A Wife or Girlfriend’s guide to loving a cross dresser
This section is written especially for born women - who are in love with a transgendered male. If you are new to the subject of trans-girls, I suspect you’re dealing with some pretty scary thoughts regarding your special male. In this segment, I'm discussing matters you might be feeling, nightmares you might imagine, and answers to a variety of your questions in your heart and soul.
As trans-girls, we use some strange sounding terminology to describe ourselves. Society served up many others - some that are less complimentary. Unfortunately, being different is not something the sheep of society tend to take to kindly.
Following are common questions I hear - and responses to those concerns.
Your biggest fear: is my man gay - or a latent homosexual?
I figured I'd cut right to the chase on this matter - as about 99.9% of wives usually have this little question sitting on the tip of their tongues. It's understandable. We t-girls have historically been linked into the gay food chain - as nobody else would claim us. *Grin*. Also, transgenders and homosexuals both deal with similar fundamental issues: We need to explore our sexuality without persecution from others and we did not "choose" to be this way.
The difference between TG's and Gays - lies in our gender identity versus sexual orientation. Gays - are by definition - homosexual. They are men who feel most comfortable - and content sexually - with another male. Although some t-girls are gay, it is estimated that over 80% are very happily heterosexual men - who have an alternative gender identity. Namely - they have a need to express a female side of their personality.
A man who acts feminine for the purpose of expressing a womanly persona - is not necessarily gay. Is a woman a lesbian if she works in a traditionally male role - or dons prototypical male attire? Of course not!! Both are simply exploring those aspects of their personalities which make them feel most comfortable. The difference is - your sisters of years past - already broke down the walls of alternative gender expression for women about 100 years ago. You know us men...we're always late to everything! *Grin*
Sexuality is a complex being - and one of the most powerful driving forces in the universe. One's sexual orientation (whom we are most attracted for sexual gratification) is another issue entirely from gender identity - and expression.
Will he become gay?
A person's sexual orientation (homosexual or heterosexual) does not change quickly - if ever. Similarly, ones gender identity is slow to move. If you can get him/her to talk freely, you will likely discover he had these feminine yearnings since his earliest childhood memories.
If he experiences sexual attraction towards another male, it will usually be for a different reason than that of a gay man. He might find himself drawn to another man - as a desire to more fully act out the process of being female. Did you ever know girls who didn't feel like a real woman until they had been intimate with a guy? Same thing can happen here. However, most of it relates more to being desired - than any real shift in sexual orientation.
There are a variety of alternative means which many t-girls utilize to fulfill this need - including a little fantasy role playing.
Does he want to become a woman?
Maybe - but most likely not. Few t-girls - as a whole - are classified as certified transsexuals. Some go to this extreme out of frustration regarding an inability to find balance between dual lives. However, most just need outlets to express their female self on a part-time basis.
Where's the macho guy I married?
As a general rule, I've found most guys that dress - tend to be among the more "masculine" acting males of any group. Many are professional athletes, civic leaders, and heads of America's largest corporations. Basically, I've discovered the higher one goes up the success ladder - the more likely you are to find a person who needs to express a feminine persona in some manner. It's my opinion that this more aggressive male nature - seeks and needs balance - by identifying with an alternative feminine side.
Of the few men I've met who had absolutely no desire to dress at one point or another in their lives, I think you would easily label most of them casual types. Do you know the sort of guy I'm talking about? Men who are more laid back - seem to already posses a balance between masculinity & femininity. AAA battery personalities - like Renee - tend to be the most likely to need alternative expression.
You women dealt with your need to be a little masculine in your attire and attitude years ago. We males are just coming to grips with our needs. Your man is still there, sweetheart. Nothing about him has changed. It's just that soft side of the tough guy you fell in love with - is seeking some special time.
What about the kids?
Gotta' agree with you on this issue. It will be a very long time - if ever - where transgender expression can easily fit into a full fledged family's daily lifestyle. We do not yet live in a world where the majority of adults can understand our bipolar sexuality - let alone youngsters. The sad part is - children usually understand the easiest. They are not yet infected with social prejudices. Unfortunately, they might tell their friends - who in turn tell their parents - and you've got seeds growing for a forest of familial troubles.
It's difficult for children to grow up healthily - under the best of circumstances. Asking a child to deal with ridicule and opinions from others regarding daddy in a dress - is in my opinion - an unfair additional burden. Anything we do that cuts into the delicate balance of growing up is dangerous. Some case studies have found if you present this to a child at an early age - they can fit it in healthily. However, if you wait until the more tumultuous teen years - discovery tends to breed a host of problems.
Until we garner better research on how the tranz-process can be successfully integrated into the mix - I wouldn't want to hear about you making your kids the guinea pigs. Those gals with children will have to adjust their time being her based upon resource availability. Naturally, if your man is a bona-fide transsexual and plans to fully transition to womanhood - you will have to deal with this process. And you will require much better advice than reneereyes.com. ((hugs))
I would beg of those wives with kids - to help your gal express her alternative gender as time would permit. Trust me - he has already come up with more reasons he should not dress over the years - than you could ever dream up. Most of us, aren't too proud initially of this need. However, the need persists - because it's simply - who we are!! And you better believe we must find a way to express it!
I get very upset with spouses who take advantage of their man's withdrawal from gender expression due to his familial compassion. I watch them suffer in anguish over their inability to express their female side. This is so unfair! They will do their best to never bring it up - and try to change the subject when he does. Try to imagine what it would feel like if you had to pee - and were told to hold it - for years on end. I can't imagine a woman who could state that she really loved a man - and would even consider forcing him to endure such agony.
You will likely discover a better father if he explores his transgenderism. Wearing dresses has a unique way of better teaching men to respect the feelings and needs of minorities. This is something our kids often don't learn from dad. It also tends to cause fathers to be more understanding of changes in children during puberty - and loving them without conditions. Can you think of a better trait a father could provide his children?
What about that bizarre pornography?
Found some of those tranny videos in the closet or photos on his computer, huh?? This is much harder to explain - so hang with me, honey!
As you might be aware, men tend to be much more voyeuristic than their female counterparts. As a rule, they always enjoy pornography more than women. Men tend to get very wrapped up in the action on the screen - envisioning themselves in the roles of certain performers. Thus, it is only natural for a t-girl to want to watch images of transsexuals - as she identifies more closely with them in this same manner.
Transsexual videos are an excellent outlet for him to fulfill a fantasy - without having to come in contact with another human being. Most every t-girl I've ever known has had a sexual attraction to certain other t-girls. By keeping his fantasy play partners on the screen - he is in for a much safer - and less messy - environment.
Where do we go from here?
What now? First, stop and consider you are not alone. There are hundreds of thousands of women happily married to transgendered males. The difference between you and most of these women is that your man had the respect for your marriage and love for you - to share his entire self. That's rare - and worthy of giving him a hug. I assure you - it took a great deal of courage.
What now? Read on - and we'll talk about how others have found long-term bliss in this special union.
Additional Chapters in This Section Include:
Tips for Wives and Girlfriends of Crossdressers
Loving a Transgender Person
Managing Your Transgender Partner
Finding Love as a Transgender Woman