What if you think the girl your dating might be transgender?
It’s a brave new world: gay marriage is legal and transgender women are everywhere. This latter circumstance creates new issues for some straight guys. What do you do - if you suspect a girl you recently met and started dating might be transgender?
This occurs quite often. Commonly? It begins from social interaction at a popular tavern - since most full-time transsexual women rarely frequent gay bars.
Additional chapters Included in This Section Include:
What is Transgender?
Introduction to Transgenderism
Variations in Transgender Expression: What's the differences?
How to respect a Transgender Person
Men Dressed as Women
Urban Dictionary: Transgender Terms
Urban Dictionary: Transgender Slangs
What do I do if I think the girl you're dating might be transgender?
My husband watches shemale porn: Is he gay?
You probably already encountered lots of transsexual women
In order to survive and succeed in their new life, transgender women work tirelessly to become near flawless in their feminine presentation. Some transgender women face huge obstacles in this regard: they start out extra tall or with noticeably oversized male features. In those examples? Strangers usually quickly surmise she used to be a man. However, for trans-women without such initial handicaps? You would never know without further or constant scrutiny. Thus, most people don’t realize how often they already encountered transsexual women - particularly in larger metropolitan cities.
What makes you think she might be transgender?
What causes a guy to think his new object of desire might be trans? There’s only one tell-tale feature: an Adam’s Apple - but transgender women can get this surgically crushed and removed. There’s often noticeable differences: larger hands, larger feet, a deeper voice, more masculine mannerisms, etc. Such variations don’t necessarily mean she’s transgender - more than one of my lady friends was wrongly accused of just that because of her more masculine platform.
She’ll most likely “just walk away”
If a TS woman met and liked you at crowded nightclub? She was probably immediately looking for signs you already realized she was transsexual. However, it’s unlikely she’ll disclose this in a bar for fear you might out her to other patrons in a derogatory manner.
If you met and chatted with a transsexual at a bar and she wasn’t confident you “knew”? She’d rarely provide you further contact information because she just doesn’t want the potential hassle. She’ll usually just “walk away”. However, sometimes? If the connection you shared seemed extraordinary? She might take that chance.
Even more commonly?
You saw and talked with her before during a previous visit to this new favorite watering hole. When you saw her again? You did your best to further develop the budding relationship: perhaps offering lunch or dinner. Most transgender women will try to tell you before a solo date or shortly thereafter. However, some post-operative transsexual women who lived in their preferred gender for decades rarely feel the need to disclose that information quickly.
How do you get her to open up?
Offering her ideal windows during a first phone conversation makes it easier. “Tell me more about yourself…where are you from originally - what was your childhood like? Don’t say things like: “Is there something you need to tell me?” She’s a mature adult who endured a mind-bogglingly difficult journey. You’re not the first guy whom she had to share this - please give her a chance to do it her way.
Don’t call her “he”
If she discloses that she’s transgender and it’s not something your comfortable with in your dating life? Whatever you do - please don’t subsequently refer to her as he - when you encounter her again. The transgender equivalent of the N-word is the “mean he” - where somebody uses this masculine pronoun as a weapon to publicly out or demean a transgender person.
It’s one of the cruelest things you can say: thus, please don’t!
What’s a gay dude that looks like a chick doing in here hitting on us straight guys?
Some guys who unwittingly connect with a transsexual woman - however briefly - are offended. In their eyes? She’s somehow trying to trick them. Alas, usually all she did was show up at a fun social atmosphere in the same look and gender she’s lived and worked for ten years and simply returned a friendly comment with a commensurate polite gesture. She’s not there to pull anything over on anybody: she’s just living her life.
Some uninformed people view transsexual women as the “the gayest form - of gay male.” Nothing could be further from the truth. Transsexuality occurs from an issue with one’s gender identity - it’s got nothing to do with sexual orientation or homosexuality. In fact, most transsexual women were and continue to only be attracted to women. Also, gay men are never attracted to transgender women regardless of what she has “down below”.
What’s the difference between gender identity and sexual orientation? Simply stated:
Sexual orientation is about who you want to go to bed with,
Gender identity is about who you want to go to bed as.
Thus, once she’s transitioned: and if she likes men? She’s considered “straight” - in trans-world. If he prefers women? She’s now lesbian: duh!
Please don’t make a scene!
If you’re absolutely convinced - perhaps after a good friend told you she’s trans - and you’re troubled by this information? Don’t expect her to be honest in a bar filled with drunk patrons.
Why not just move on to another lady? There’s nothing gained by confronting her with negative commentary. Thankfully, most guys are naturally classy enough not to do that. However, some men just can’t hold their tongues against any perceived slight.
Following is an actual letter from an insurance adjustor living in Marietta, GA named “Paul”. Would you guess from this personal introduction that he would subsequently say mean-spirited things?
Paul’s MySpace Personal Profile Summary
I'm a responsible homeowner with a good job and lots of good friends. I play drums and sing in a couple bands. I'm divorced as of about 4 years now. I kept the house and my dogs. My life is about as good right now as it's ever been. I’m a musician at heart, but have a day job to pay the bills. I love my dogs, golf, playing drums and singing in my band(s), biking, water activities, and just hanging out and doing nothing but chatting over some wine and snacks, or sitting on the porch watching the birds and the squirrels quarreling. I'm honest, up-front, sweet and trustworthy.
Paul sounds like a really nice guy, no?
Following…is “Paul’s” letter to me...after I accepted his friendship request on MySpace.com
Sorry, I had to delete you from my friends list. I know I know... I sent you the friend request...I’m an idiot.
You got me , I’ll admit it.. you got me.. I have to give you credit. You're quite convincing...
I guess I should read through people's profiles before clicking on "add friend" instead of just clicking at every pretty face I see, just because they look good in their photo. Not that I have a real issue with homosexuality, transsexuals, sex with animals, necrophilia’s, etc... other than it all kind of gives me the heeby jeebies...... Hell the way I see it, as long as it doesn't directly effect my life in some adverse way... more power to you.. pursue your life in whichever direction that brings you happiness..... but... you knew there was a but...I’m actually on here trying to meet straight women, and if they are browsing through my friends and they look at your profile and see that you're really a gay guy that actually was so gay that he wanted to literally become a female, so he grew boobs, long hair and shaved his legs, and possibly had his penis surgically turned inward to somewhat resemble a vagina, ...I'm pretty sure they will run as fast as they can in the opposite direction. Hell I can put on a little make up and a wig, and people could mistake me for a woman too. That's not a real big trick. I want to see you actually give birth....then I'll be impressed.......
Sorry for that dig, but it's easier to tease you , since you're really a guy after all.
Too bad there's no surgery or drug to make your feet smaller..eh?..
Good luck and congratulations on having the balls to go through with it to the end!!!!
No pun intended.
That was fun, no?
Knowing that seemingly “normal” guys like “Paul” consider it acceptable to say things like that after simply discovering I’m transsexual? Do you think I’m not cautious with straight guys in bars? Every full-time transsexual woman has a bigot like “Paul” amongst her past encounters. Sadly? Such guys are everywhere.
What if you don’t want to date a transsexual but are curious about exploring the sexual adventure?
With the proliferation of transsexual pornography, a lot of guys are at least curious about exploring a sexual encounter with an attractive transgender woman. Believe me: she knows this from her lifelong experiences. However, those same journey’s also taught her that few straight guys will develop a meaningful relationship that includes association with his friends and family with a TS woman unless he has more than just sexual fascination. Thus, few transsexual women will go further - unless they think you’re hotter than melted butter.
Be sure - before you kick her to the curb
Some straight guys discover a transsexual girlfriend is far better than expected.
There’s more than one straight guy that now regrets letting go of his relationship with a transsexual female. “She was the most fun and amazing woman I ever dated. However, at that time - I wigged out over what my friends would think. I broke it off but after returning to dating typical women realized I missed her. Tried reestablishing our relationship but she already found someone else. Thus, I tried looking on some trans-dating sites and soon realized how rare a girl like ‘Mary’ was. I never had that sort of chemistry with another woman in my life.”
Realize: very passable and beautiful transsexual women that also prefer men? They’re rare - since lots of transsexuals fancy women.
If you subsequently change your mind? You probably won’t find another like her!