"Trans-Darwinism"

  where am i?

Most t-girls go through between one and four "stages of evolution" in their quest towards feminine expression. Many girls achieve a perfect sense of male / female balance after only one stage - lucky them! However, a lot of us are forced to endure a much longer process as we search and discover how important expressing our female side is to our daily happiness - and "how far" we need to "go" in doing so.

The ugly part of evolution is that each new stage tends to bring about new priorities - and conditions. This is hard enough on us t-girls - but just imagine what it does to those close to us. We get them accepting one person - and then "bang" - we begin changing into another. It's sort of like female menopause - only it often happens more than once with us. How bout them apples? LOL

We need our loved ones to understand us. Healthy relationships with those people close to us are as important as the air we breath. By getting a handle on where we are in this evolutionary process, we can better manage the specific challenges associated with our current "stage".

There are two important points to remember before studying "trans-evolution". First, this process is different for the "certified" transsexual - those girls who have absolutely no connection to their male body other than having to transform it to female. My analysis refers to the 80%+ of us who have a strong connection with our femininity and seek ways to express it. 

Second, there is no one level "higher" on the evolutionary ladder than the other. I repeat: No one is better than the other. The only difference between a t-girl that reaches "womanhood" and the gal forever in "infancy" is simply a matter of personal happiness - not any form of superiority. The goal is not really "womanhood" - but rather - balance!! In fact, I'm of the opinion that girls who can maintain balance & bliss by simply donning pantyhose on occasion - are perhaps the most gifted of all t-girls. Unfortunately, Renee is not a member of this elite group. 

If you are just beginning to deal with your transgenderism, I'd suggest you pray to whatever deity you feel might be looking out for 'ya - that you require no "multi-phased" evolution. It sucks!! LOL  

• Infancy: Enjoys dressing in hose, panties, etc. Loves the touch and feel of feminine garb. Usually gets turned on by graphic images of transsexuals and tends to be highly aroused by images of lesbianism. Often feels a great deal of shame regarding "her" desires. 

Eventually finds balance by simply enjoying this little fetish for what it is - a source of release, relaxation - and pleasure.

• Childhood: In this stage, a gal begins the process of full scale "dressing". This is when a sincere need develops to actually "transform" for brief periods of time - versus mild "dressing". In the early stage of childhood, a gal will often feel shame by this desire. Later, this person accepts their desire to dress as a balanced part of who they are - and considers it an integral part of their pleasure. 

People who find balance at this stage are often the happiest t-girls I've ever met. Personally, I feel society's norms regarding those who "go further with dressing" - are the reason why gals in "next phase" tend to be less happy than this group. 

• Teen and College: "The best of times - the worst of times" certainly "best" describes this phase of t-girl evolution. In this period, gals will want to experiment constantly with improving their feminizing skill, they will often get "somewhat" competitive with others that dress, and they will usually like "going out" - if their normal lifestyle allows for such indulgences. 

This is a wonderful period of discovery in new sensations and female  experiences. It is also quite dangerous! Teen "desires" are typically not ideal in "adult" environments. Many married gals get stuck in this stage due to familial constraints. Subsequently, some make less than optimal decisions in "moving forward" - including leaving a good marriage for all the wrong reasons.

• Womanhood: An evolving stage for each person but conceptually - a final resting place - for a t-girl who has no plans for permanent transition. I define "womanhood" - as "balanced" - even though the equation for balance is always in flux. By its very nature, transgenderism "evolves" with the age of the person. Thus, its evolution is rarely static for any length of time. A gal who has achieved a sense of "womanhood" is never out of balance for very long. 

Why? It's not so much because of the challenges she has mastered, but rather - her ability to master challenges. Her happiness comes from enjoying the wonderful blend of her femininity in all facets of her life. 

Did you find yourself in any of these "phases"? What I find most interesting when I look at this sort of evolutionary table is just how young a "woman" Renee really is - regardless of how old her knees are. *G*   

be careful what you wish for

In retrospective, I've begun to realize Renee has evolved a lot like "any other woman". I started off focusing pretty much on just "looking" and acting like a woman (i.e. being able to pass as a female). This was similar to how a young female teenager evolves. 

I assure you this was a tougher task than my current photos might indicate. I have never been one to look "feminine" en drab - I'm typically one of the last people that can be "guessed" out of DRAG. My chest and body hair require a "bush hog" to even phase removal. My waist line & chin(s) looked a bit different at the onset. My always "large calves" seemed as unfeminine as a mustache. Suddenly, through slow and steady effort - I saw a pretty hot little female peeking from my loins. Trouble was, I really had no worthwhile plans for her beyond that.

In trying to figure out how to grow beyond my teen years, I began to seriously evaluate what motivated me to improve in my dressing and appearance. I came up with a "list of needs" which most growing gals face once they get beyond the basics of being able to "pass" as a woman. I'll be the first to admit this is a "work in progress" - as is Renee. I'm still sorting out what is important, what is the highest priority, etc. - and a lot remains a "moving target". 

I suppose my desires and goals are actually "dynamic". As other areas of my life evolve - priorities shift in matters well outside of Renee's control. Whatever the reasons, I'm searching hard for steady ground. ::)) 

Remember folks - I'm baring my "soul" a bit here - so no wise cracks from the "peanut gallery". 

Renee's "Needs" ( In no particular priority )

1. Renee needs to be recognized "as a woman". In other words, she doesn't just like "playing dress up" - she has a real need to be thought of as 100% female (I'll settle for "90" - and call it even) when she explores her transgendered nature.
2. Renee needs to be desired "as a woman". One of the more powerful aspects of human expression is sexuality. She feels a need for others to find her sexually appealing as a female.
3. Renee requires close friends she can relate to. A lot of people relate to "her" but being a typical "outgoing" introvert - she does not relate quite so easily. She needs people in her life she that really understand her to keep balance in tough times.
4. Renee needs fun. Don't we all?? LOL "That guy" in her life has always placed "fun" low on the totem pole (idiot). She understands smiling often is crucial to her sense of balance.
5. Renee requires sexual gratification. Renee has found transgenderism to breed a lot of confusion in the sexual satisfaction department. She needs this to find tranquility.
6. Renee must have "her" exclusive time. She has discovered she now requires less time "dressed". She has learned to share feminine moments with "him" - without having to apply "make up". However, like any "person" - she needs some exclusivity now and then - "as does he". 
7. Renee needs fiscal responsibility. This bitch is "all female" when it comes to shopping!  LOL Seriously, she has her needs - but must also "share". Both sides of "me" are highly capitalistic at heart - yet giving. She's been around long enough to drop the "hand out" routine with "him".
8. Renee requires discretion. She has steadily integrated her existence into the lives of a number of friends on "both sides" of the deal - but she still requires secrecy.
9. Renee needs a higher purpose. We all tend to recall most vividly the things in life "we gave" - versus took. This gal needs a vision and plan for herself that she feels is of "a level of giving" commensurate with her resources.
10. Renee needs love. Does that really require an explanation? She's a living creature isn't she?

Renee's "Don't Needs"

1. Renee does not need "overindulgence". Part of the gift - and nightmare - she received from her "partner" is a highly obsessive, compulsive personality. Like her co-heart, she must guard against going too far in any given area - as is her nature.
2. Renee does not need more time "online". It is very easy for Renee to get wrapped up in this new "outlet" she has found for expression called "The Internet". However, she must translate its value into solid real time associations.
3. Renee doesn't need more "secrets". Her "life" has remained hidden so long that she has developed a bad habit of being able to hide other issues well. She must stop this.
4. Renee doesn't need any more "bad sex". She may have her need for sexual gratification - but if she doesn't learn a better way way to achieve it - the rest of her body is going to cut her off!  LOL
5. Renee does not need sexually transmitted diseases. Does anyone? Please GF!! She's been a "safety gal" since dirt - keep using those "post it" notes on the dresser Renee!!

the horror of loneliness

You will enjoy so many new and wonderful experiences as your transgenderism begins pervading your life. However, as your evolution occurs, you will experience some of the most intense loneliness your soul has ever come to know. You can visit a lot of my sister's home pages and get a glimpse in more graphic detail of the pain that can be associated with being "T". You don't see much of that here - but girlfriend - I have those days as well. In general I try to remain very happy - only because I detest the alternative.

I've found my intense periods of loneliness have been derived from a narrow group of sources. First, is financial. Nothing will take the starch out of your skirt quite like being broke! Second, is "a recovery period" from an extreme experience. Doing something that pushes a new "boundary" is usually stupid - and I tend to regret it for some time. Regret breeds loneliness. 

Finally, are those periods when I have too few relationships to rest my weary head upon. Because of the problems associated with sharing our gender issues with others, most of us allow few people into our "inner circle". This short list can result in some pretty empty feelings  - sort of like we are living "one big lie" called life.

Life is so very fragile - and challenging enough without gender issues. Sustained happiness tends to occur when "your seesaw" is parallel to mother earth. The sensation of bending your life board downward will be so very tempting at times. However, the slow and meticulous process of getting back to "even ground" will act as a reminder of the dangers of extremism. 

In general, many people who show an interest in your "well being" will have less than optimal motivations. T-girls - as a rule - have few really "good friends". Finding other t-girls with your same experiences, your current status in "evolution", your age, your intellect, etc. - is quite challenging. Many friends, no matter how they might try otherwise - will have a deeper sexual agenda than your soul needs from friends. 

You might feel compelled to "tell more people". I think you should be careful in getting on your "high horse" in this matter. There is really not a good reason for many people to know. I never told my father (he died in 1988) and I only told my mother in 1999. I waited until the "impact" on her views regarding me would be lessened - for her benefit. 

You will have close friends whom your "t--bond" will become special. In some instances, you will lean on the foundation of their friendship when your heels are worn and your soul is tired. Because of the challenges in their own lives and the needs of others that depend upon them - they will sometimes pull their shoulder away from your head - just when you need it most.

Loneliness is a real cost of being unique. Let's move on...I'm getting depressed! ::))

love thy self

To find happiness in the middle, I've really found there is only one person I must hold dearest above all else - "me". As long as both the "guy" and "the girl" within you - don't start having a serious relationship with one another, you are probably "okay".  LOL

Of course, we all know "loving thy self" is a crucial component of happiness - but we rarely stop to really "do it". Okay, at least I don't - you're probably smarter than Renee. ::)) 

Is real love a function of "how we look"? Nah - that's like. Do you think I honestly "loved" myself more in picture "A" - than picture "B"? I sure hope not!! The only difference between those two photos is about 15 pounds - and a lot more knowledge on how to apply make up and take pictures. Pounds of fat - or ounces of foundation - have nothing to do with "love".  

My father used to tell me: "Look at every woman like she is 100 years old - and you'll find you're soul mate. He found his. I'm getting convinced my perfect match is buried "deep inside" of me. Since I started looking at Renee as the "100 year old hag" she really is - I'm just now discovering her best features. 

One's appearance has little to do with how we feel about ourselves - as much as we'd like to think otherwise. My love for "Renee" is a function of a lot more than looks - it's about inner happiness!

Finding - and maintaining - inner happiness is what life is all about. ::))

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