Ready or Not...

  here i come

My gender transition was a train wreck...brutal upon every aspect of my existence. Most of the years just after that disaster where dedicated to reassembling the remains known as me.

In 2007, I completed that process & began chasing my dreams.

In 2008?

I'm making those same dreams come true...and I'm having fun

Stay tuned...it's going to be quite a journey.

sliding into second 7-27-08

Can you believe we're already more than halfway through 2008?

Amazing, huh?

Sorry about the delay in this posting...I'm extra busy at the moment - even more than usual. I'm going ahead & posting this tardy entry along with my August "Photo of the Month" as I'll be traveling again very soon.

So what's new?

Lots. *Laugh*

How about if I just glean through major categories?

Business as Usual

We have a new product hitting the shelves at Wal-Mart Super Centers nationwide in a couple of weeks. I'm focused on a second product we hope to launch by year-end. These events are very exciting and I'll include information on this new product in next month's entry. I'm also facing dueling deadlines on projects within my new media enterprise.

The bottom line?

My work is the primary culprit behind why I have zilch free time at this moment. ((hugs))

A Big Move

Old friends heard me babble before about "moving" from Atlanta. However, as I'm finishing my new venture & preparing for its subsequent launch, it's becoming very apparent that this maneuver will be followed by a total-move to another city.

Where exactly?

Good question...I wish I knew for sure. The safest bet is New York City since most of the firms I'm working with are based in that market. There's also an equal likelihood of a west coast jump - split between three different cities in that direction. Thus, I probably won't be able to pinpoint things until next summer.

However...

I can honestly say I'm ready for this big move. When I previously contemplated moving away, it was more about "running away". Know what I mean? Something about a gender transition creates recurring fantasies about going elsewhere and starting anew. In reality? I think that's the worst time to make such a drastic change. If you're still unsettled from that process? Moving usually just adds insults to fresh injuries.

Anyway...

This time?

I'm moving forward. That's a good thing. *Smile*

On the Dating Front?

The full-disclosure with my art-collecting comrade didn't go quite as hoped. In fact, it went badly. Thus, I decided to take a break from any sort of "dating" opportunities. That was a good decision. Since then, I've remained in such a good place physically, spiritually, emotionally - even financially...that I'm beginning to feel I'll do best to steer clear of the traditional loving-landscape for a few years to come. My intensity with work & the likelihood of a major move within the year only serves to remind me of the soundness associated with my self-induced celibacy.

Maybe I'll start dating again someday...just not any day soon. *Smile*

Art Collecting

Enjoyed an unusually successful month with art acquisitions beginning with a couple of outstanding American impressionist works plus an adorable pair of Chagall-styled circus abstracts by some unknown artist named "Jordan". I just posted these fresh examples:

ar-05-passions-artsamples.htm

While researching the George Sotter painting, I came across a clip from from PBS's "Antiques Roadshow" regarding a similarly-styled artwork. Like most of their selections, it's an absolutely adorable little story...

http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/roadshow/archive/200605A35.html

On the more humorous front...

I have come to realize something very important about myself. If you peel away the closets of haute couture fashions, move past the stacks of fine artworks & look beyond that decade-long edgy lifestyle I lived that's only available in the largest metropolitan markets...you know what's buried under all that?

A total f***ing redneck. *Laugh*

I soooo love my country music, my NASCAR, cute mullet-heads & down-to-earth talks chocked full of double-negative speech. It's really funny at times when I realize I'm most comfortable & feel safest in these same environments. I suppose there's solace in this enlightenment. If everything goes to hell in a hand basket? I could probably still afford a small trailer in Muhlenberg County near Owensboro. Know what else? I'm willing to bet...I'd be just as happy. *Smile*

That's about all the time I've got today.

My best to one & all...

Keep the faith!

Renee

a needed reprieve 6-16-08

The last thirty days were outstanding.

Simply stated? I needed that.

Without a doubt, the basis for these improvements was rooted in my newfound wholesome routine. I'm still exercising daily, eating healthy & maintaining a balanced schedule between work, play, personal time & spirituality.

In this regard?

I've never been better.

Hard at Work

Presently extra busy with work. There's a couple of new products on the horizon - which makes for excitement. I'm trying to remain focused and finish my most important objectives. As good friends are aware...finishing projects was never my strong suit. *Laugh* The challenge remains with my ridiculous sense of perfectionism & related obsessive behavior. I'm forever required to remind myself that a good plan today...is better than a perfect plan tomorrow.

One reason for my increased productivity is most certainly my workspace. It's an ideal balance (for me) of functionality & comfort. Naturally, I've got art hanging in every nook & cranny...but I like it best that way. 

2008 remains a monster year in terms of finalizing the launch of several key new vistas. I'm half-way through this labyrinth and still on track to accomplish most of my key goals.

I'm hoping I can retain this sense of focus. It feels really good. *Smile*

Art Collecting

As always, I spend much of my free time developing my art collection. One area that's becoming especially interesting is the emergence of my own personal artistic expression with photography. I'm still learning the particulars of what represents good art in the eyes of photography collectors, however - it's been a joyful education.

My first set of pictures were derived from early photographs of my gender expression before transition. I hope to complete the first three artistic series & share them with a couple of local galleries by this time next year.

Alas, it's not a high priority but it's a definitely a new source of personal fulfillment.

My Birthday

My 47th birthday included several special memories.

On the date of my actual birthday, I was invited to dinner by my dear friends Sid & Maria. The food? It was absolutely incredible. I'm not sure how Maria marinated those steaks (she didn't give-up the secret recipe) but they were had amazing flavor.

Most memorable was the final touch...an Austrian 1976 Lenz Moser Tocken Berenauglese wine. I'm not a connoisseur of fine vino, but like most people: I do enjoy a good bottle of wine. In this instance? I got the chance to relish a great wine. No words can describe the taste of such a well-aged rich grape. Absolutely delicious!

I headed to Nashville the weekend following my birthday. Took that Rubens painting (from last month's journal entry) of the goddess Venus and we mounted it above Red's fireplace. It's such a unique pleasure to see an artwork find it's just-right locale & atmosphere.

Had another fun birthday celebration with my girls on Saturday night over tasty cheeseburgers & grilling rounds of Yahtzee.

All in all?

Another wonderful birthday... 

Dating Life

While this past year was great in most facets...my dating-life remained unremarkable. Upon retrospective, I recognized that I developed a nasty habit of ending up in "complicated" relationships.

In other words?

I always tend to get into loving relationships that never stood a chance because of my transsexual expression. I've never been one to seek-out a potential partner with an interest in me because of my transsexuality. My early experiences in those regards weren't healthy. Thus, I prefer to first meet someone...then deal with the situation soon after it evolves.

Now what have I done?

I've gotten myself smack-dab into yet another complicated state of affairs. Alas, it's original.

I recently met a man I consider very special. We share a passion for fine-art and first became acquainted during a gathering at the High Museum. He's actually an artist of sorts, he's well-grounded (a big plus when dealing with resident queen of flight), highly intellectual and very easy on the eyes. Recently, our time together became more intense. We're now always meeting for dinner, grabbing coffee in the middle of the day, hitting art exhibits...you know the drill.

So what's the big problem?

My dilemma is simple: he doesn't know about my gender history. Honestly? I'm so out that I never find myself in this situation...where someone doesn't soon know about my original identity.

Ever found yourself in these circumstances?

For me, it's almost been funny at times...I hear innocent comments with ridiculous intensity. It all reminds me of when I was very poor & my life was in utter shambles. You'd be surprised how many more people you notice "living on the street" when your own circumstances indicate you might be joining them soon.

Anyway...I'm planning on having "the talk" this next weekend.

We'll see what happens...please wish me luck. ((hugs))

That's about all the news that's fit to print. My best to everyone...

Keep the Faith!

RR

onward & upward 5-20-08

Sorry about the delay between my last discouraging entry & this newest update. As that last notation so eloquently exhibited...I'm really pushing myself at this time. I'm overextended in terms of both time & resources on almost every project I'm presently undertaking & often feel I'm forever under the gun. My closest friends can attest to the byproducts of this dilemma. If they call me on one day...I'm vibrant, playful & optimistic. We talk on another day? I'm quiet, reserved & cranky. I'm not really facing any issues with clinical depression. Rather, I'm just f***ing exhausted much of the time.

The bottom line?

I'm trying to accomplish too much in too little time with too few resources. Anytime you have a too³ scenario going on your life? It's safe to assume frustration will be a part of your life.

So what's new & exciting?

It's been a big month...

Family-fun...visited with some of my family this past weekend: a fast-pitch softball game of my great-niece that was being held near Atlanta. Can you believe I'm a great aunt? Ugh...me either. *Laugh* Regardless, it was especially pleasurable as I got to visit with some relatives I hadn't seen in years. As usual, it began a bit awkward. However, most importantly...it ended joyfully.

Made a pilgrimage to Nashville for Mother's Day...which ideally coincided with the young Russian's eighth-grade graduation event. When I consider all that this kid has been through & the fact she first arrived in the this country just shy of six years of age...it's amazing to share in her accomplishments. I'm so proud of all that she's becoming.

Red & her daughter made a new addition...yet another rescue-kitty. That makes four...count them...1...2...3...4 cats in their house. We all agree it's probably one too many but have yet to find a suitable loving home for the latest Persian partner. Finally, I was able to find time this trip to attack the black hole known as Red's garage...such fun but now completed. 

Weight Loss...I'm almost back down to my target body weight & tone. Since the latter part of 2005, I steadily climbed the scale of flabbiness & excess poundage. Earlier this year, I'd had enough & began the arduous task of getting in better shape. This process is more challenging than before: testosterone, even in small amounts - plays a huge role with increased metabolism. Since I don't have that any longer...I was left to my own devices. It's been brutal but I'm almost "back" and it feels really good. These last five pounds are usually the most impactful as I have a larger, round face structure that appears most feminine when I attain this target. With my muscular platform, I can only dream about achieving that stick-model look. Alas, I can do a female athlete-bodybuilder look with the best of 'em. *Laugh* We are...what we are, no? I'm trying to hit my first weight target by my birthday & achieve my final goal in time for the Dragon-Con convention in Atlanta...where I'll be donning my newest costume creation: a female Klingon warrior. :)

Dunkin' Donuts...Up the street from my home is a highly competitive corner of coffee rivals: Caribou, Starbucks & Dunkin' Donuts are all represented plus an Einstein's and a Steak & Shake. My dear friend Kristin & I often connect at this intersection because it's roughly half-distance between our domiciles. We recently switched to Dunkin' Donuts as our preferred gathering locale & it's been great. Notably, we now enjoy coffee and food treats...for the same price as a single cup of coffee from before. Additionally, I'm supplementing my new Dunkin' addiction with XL-sized purchases of their coffee grinds from Costco.

Ebay Sales...some of you inquired about my ebay sales. I've been steadily whittling down all the non-DRAG / tranz stuff as time allows & I'm almost ready to begin selling all the other items. I'm sorry this ran so behind schedule...but I find I can only post & service a few items at once & I wanted to get the traditional clothes & contents completed first. I'm posting a few final miscellaneous items this week...and hoping to begin the club / fetish stuff the week after. I'll be selling the summer-weight stuff in June / July...them I'll take a break & upload the leathers, etc in the fall. 

Art Collecting...This last thirty days was perhaps my best-ever in my world of art collecting. First off, I scored the most valuable & important artwork of my entire collection...for a whopping sum of $331.11. I'll share more about this incredible new painting in a future journal entry: it's quite a fairy-tale of art-detective work & sheer luck.

Second, I've been shopping period frames for the last few months & received several...most of which brought about fantastic changes to the artworks they protect & enhance. Undoubtedly the most pronounced was a mega-frame I just received for my 19th-century copy of Peter Paul Ruben's "Venus at the Mirror"...this frame is truly an artwork in its own right. 

Finally, I bought an unsigned example of a mid-19th Century luminous watercolor in an effort to compare it to a very similar piece I have (see photo in my "all about renee" artworks section) by Jasper Cropsey: a major US landscape artist. I was hoping to use it as a perfect tool for comparing the impact on value for a signed, authenticated piece versus an unsigned period work of similar subject and quality. Understandably, I had to do bunches of on-line shopping in order to locate this new jewel: mid-19th Century watercolors of the quality of Cropsey for under $100.00 don't grow on trees. I suppose I can thank my XL-sized 12 hooves for my persistence. Alas, finding shoes I like...in a style I enjoy...at a price I can afford? That process rivals any search for an obscure painting! *Laugh*

Anyway...long story short?

Upon receipt of this newest rendering, my jaw literally dropped: it was a killer example of mid-century luminous art. However, the big surprise came about when I black-lighted the artwork: it included a faded (albeit clearly signed & dated under backlight) signature by the English watercolor master: Copley Fielding. 

Not bad...for $31.00 plus postage, no? Leave it to any gal with size 12's...*Smile*

My Two Newest Friends...Behind my house is an overgrown ravine for drainage that serves as a haven for indigenous wildlife. Recently, I've become friends with a pair of chipmunks & a couple of redbirds that play each morning near my back porch. It's funny how attached I've become to these new residents. My morning is never complete until I find them scampering & flying about. I used to wonder why "old people" would sit on porches for hours at a time in my hometown of Owensboro...seemed like such a waste of time. I guess I got old...because I now understand this lovely pleasure.  

And Finally...speaking of getting old...I turn 47 next month. I'm still very comfortable with my age...lets hope that attitude lasts a lifetime.

That's about it. Hope everyone out there is doing great. ((hugs))

Keep the faith...

RR

not every day is perfect 4-20-08

Ugh!

Ever have those moments...those times: when you're at the end of your rope with frustration?

Me too...

I'm fairly savvy at pulling myself out of such doldrums regardless of circumstances. However, yesterday evening I was officially exhausted, irritated, angry, tired of the BS...you know the drill. I was at that point where although I still liked my life, I absolutely f***ing hated my existence.

Ever find yourself feeling like that?

Sucks, doesn't it?

Know what I do when I get like that? I start fantasizing about selling everything...leaving...going off...and starting anew. Where would I go...what would I do? When I realize I'm clueless...I usually just crawl into bed & start enjoying some recycled dreams. Before I know it, the sun arises & I own a better perspective on all that's right & not-so right.

I gotta' tell 'ya: this month's been tough. I'm buried in work that make me feel like I'm walking in the wrong direction on an escalator wearing high heels. Progress remains painfully fleeting & taking breathers usually equates to ending up back where I started. I keep thinking there's some sort of poetic beauty about all this but nothing's rhyming. I now, like...totally get where women dream about finding some man to "take them away from all this". Alas, they don't make glass slippers in a size 12 & I'm too much of a nerd to find prince charming types remotely appealing. And so we move on...

Last weekend was special: enjoyed homemade biscuits & gravy with family-like friends. God, those things were good...thanks, Miss Gail! The hard part was cutting myself off after only two servings: ugh! There are some things I really miss about being a guy and & less issues over pigging-out is definitely in the top-10. FYI...being able to pee in five seconds or less and thinking I'm hot...even when I'm not are tied for numero uno on that ranking. *Laugh*

I'm hitting the ground running this next week in an attempt to drive myself out of this mud. Spoke to Red yesterday...we decided to scrounge-up enough money to take a beach trip sometime in the next month.

That's what I need: something to look forward to. Guess I better get started...

...keep the faith!

RR 

more of the same 3-20-08

Crazy weather recently, huh?

We braved the recent onslaught of tornado activity in Atlanta by hiding out in the basement. It got pretty scary: warnings littered the TV-airwaves while those public sirens blared outside. In the midst of all this tension, I was prodding my roommate to hurry downstairs with me & her daughter before any catastrophe arrived.

Why was Darleen still upstairs?

She was intently pulling together her tornado essentials: jewelry & some water (that made total sense)...plus a monstrous bag of make-up, a nice outfit & a hair dryer: go figure. It never before occurred to me that it was so important to look fabulous when the salvage crews arrived.  *Laugh* She's such a hoot!

So what's new?

February was yet another monster month. March started slowly primarily because I wasn't moving fast. Why was that? I think I just got worn down...both physically & emotionally. Ever have that happen...when you need a week-off but you can't totally stop, thus you just go through the motions in order to heal without losing momentum? It's sort of like those one of those in-air fuel tankers for jets. Anyway...now that we're over half-way through March, I seem to be back on track: bombs away! :)

Budget constraints caused me to have to postpone the development of the largest aspect of my new enterprise: that sucks...but it's probably a good thing as I'm now more focused. For those who inquired: my new venture has absolutely nothing to do with transgenderism which is but one reason I don't share any details "here". Equally important, I'm not implementing this vista as a transgendered female. Rather, I'm launching my new company as a woman...who also happens to be a transsexual. We all know I'm too a little too "out & proud" to remain any big secret. However, since my primary market is the mass public? I see no reason to start a campfire in the middle of that fireworks factory.

Been a little quiet on the art-acquisition front. I suppose that's because I don't have any extra money to buy new art...weird how that happens, no? *Laugh* I did add a couple of period frames for existing pieces. Additionally, I'm developing my own stuff: a photo-series from my vintage DRAG pictures. I keep testing various shots & getting them printed at Costco (cheap, cheap enlargements). It's actually pretty cool. I hesitated at first since since I'm not an experienced artist and felt my personal efforts might somehow cheapen the total collection. However, since I am sleeping with the curator every night (that would be "me")...I'm pretty sure my works will somehow find their way into the permanent gallery.  

Let's see...I'm sleeping with myself...in order to influence my own decisions? Yep, that sounds plenty weird. If I'm nothing else? I'm consistent. *Grin*

Headed to Nashville next week: quality time with the young Russian. Additionally, I promised Red we'd tackle the Black Hole known as her garage. I might now be a nurturing female but when it comes to project management and household tasks? I'm still all boy. *Laugh* I continue to approach repairs & improvements with that methodical and determined male-process that I spent almost forty years perfecting. Of course, Red loves this shit...she gets a best female friend & a "man around the house". What do I get? An excellent question and one that I only just now pondered. Sounds like I'm "getting" scammed, no? *Laugh* I get family. Having been without that for periods in my life...I know all too well it's worth all the garage-cleanings in the world. :)

Finally, I'm headed to Owensboro at the end of next week while I'm up that way in order to visit with Rob Puckett's mother. We're going to review ideas & cull photographs for his memorial web site. Naturally, any trip back to the big-O will include a pilgrimage for Barbeque. I figure I'll starve myself for a couple of days prior so that I can emotionally deal with making a pig of myself.

My best to everyone!

Keep the faith...

RR

she's not dead yet 2-05-08

Whew...where do I start?

It's been a very long time since I journaled publicly. How is everybody? Fine,. I hope. I did plan to make journal entries on more than one occasion these last few months but it never got beyond the "note in my calendar".

Tonight?

We rectify that situation. :)

First off...Happy (very belated) New Year!! ((hugs))

Are you excited about 2008? I sure am, and this impending recession only serves to crystallize my faith.

Why's that?

Upon reflection, I came to realize that over the past thirty+ years of my entrepreneuring, every single successful vista I've launch...was developed during a recession. Figures a witch like me would need bad economic weather in order to stir-up some potent juices, no? *Grin* Thus, I'm taking this recent downward spiral as a final affirmation that my time: is now!

I began this new odyssey by officially completing my first full month of non-stop effort upon my fledgling new business enterprise. The result? It nearly wasted me. In fact, I closed out January by spending the entire last day in a state of emotional & physical recovery cuddled up with the dogs, my teddy bear, three episodes of Law & Order and an oversized bag of Costco pistachio nuts. *Laugh* It seems that while I keep wanting to work as intently as years past, I'm learning the hard way: I can't.

The good news is that I'm having a f***ing blast. It's been over twenty years since I tried building a company based solely upon what I enjoy doing versus various pre-defined success criterions. In other words? While I'm certainly reaching for the stars, I'm most interested in making sure the journey is most pleasing. I've taken all my passions: cleaning, fashion, art collecting, gender issues, even performing magic...and I've bundled them all into a business model that makes no sense to anyone around me...but feels perfectly logical to me. Is that a sign of assured success or a prescription for total failure?

The jury will be out on that decision for some time.

And so we move on...

Christmas 2007 was..."unique". It started with a flood at Red's house from a broken toilet: resulting in bare concrete floors & a myriad of fans to greet Santa at the fireplace: yuck. Poor Red...her refrigerator broke down during Thanksgiving, thus this most recent holiday nightmare took the cheery edge off her whole damn season. I helped her clean up the mess & we ended up creating an even better arrangement for her home. Thus, by New Years? We both began 2008 with a sense that anything could be accomplished with a little hard work, a smile and a best friend by your side.

Also, Red & I redecorated the young Russian's bedroom for her Christmas gift: it's absolutely adorable. You'd be amazed how many different shades of pink exist under this rainbow and it would be safe to say we included almost every single one of them in Tatiana's bedroom. *Laugh* In case you haven't noticed, I'm enjoying a vicarious second-childhood as a young teenage girl through Red's daughter. Simply stated: Tatiana has a tremendous impact upon me. Her love - makes my life worth living.  However, being a part of her life - makes my existence very fun. That's a pretty good combo, 'ya know? I'm very blessed. 

In the "for what it's worth" department...

...Taylor swooped in for New Years but our night was anything but spectacular. Essentially? We broke up. I don't think either of us are overly upset about that decision. Our relationship simply ran its course...and died. I'm at that point where I genuinely have no desire to date anyone. I have my dreams & goals for 2008, I have my fiends and I have my smile back. Why in God's name would I want to bring another man into my life and potentially f*** up that wet dream? Nope, not this girl. 2008 will be a year where I stay very single...and very focused.

So what else is new?

The key highlight of December was my roommate's 50th birthday party. We organized a large gathering at the house over wine & treats followed by a night of fun & frolic at the Buckhead Ritz & Beluga. I've included a couple of photos. The one on the left is in the kitchen with Darleen, Me & Da' boys. On the right of your screen is a shot of me with the birthday-girl Darleen (on left) & Lu (in center) . I always dread standing next to Lu in any photo since she's about a gram & a feather larger than a size "0" - which make my oversized tranz-features stand out like the jolly-green giant. She's the kind of woman you look at and want to hate because she's so beautiful on the outside, yet she's the kind of person you come to know & love instantly - because she's so beautiful on the inside. Both Darleen & Lu are huge blessings in my life.

Oh, by the way...I got my Ebay sales underway once again: I've begun by selling various clothing & fashion accessories from my "day" wardrobe. However...I finally got all my old club & DRAG stuff organized to sell & will switch my efforts to those items upon returning from the single-woman's Valentine's Day getaway with my girlfriends. I've included photos of some of the outfits I'm selling. I was once the queen of over-the-top outfits in Atlanta and I almost never wore the same ensemble more than once. Thus, there's plenty to choose from for beginners & club-queens alike. :)

More good news?

I added two new pieces to the art collection since we last spoke. One's a prototypical mid-century Danish genre piece (photo at left) of a woman reading that includes a warm luminous tone. This style always draws my interest: I suppose it's because of my earliest attraction to Turner & his incredible uses of light.

The second piece (photo at right) is a very large & engaging surrealist-styled painting entitled "Love". ...it's breathtaking. Most experts will tell you that the "eyes" are most often considered the crux of a high quality portrait painting. This artwork defines that principle in spades. I'm planning to commission one of two personal portraits this year: a realist-styled, black & white nude painting from a photo, or...a surrealist-styled expressionist piece from key aspects of my existence. I'm challenging the artist that painted the "Love" piece to produce this latter project. Hoping he takes it on (at the price I can afford). I think the final product could be riveting.

That's about all the news that's fit to print.

My best to everyone!

Keep the faith...

RR

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