on-line journal
on-line
journal
This is my life...
embracing joy
where i find it
After forty-seven years of chasing dreams & goals, I came to the realization that those important milestones speak far less about my life than the moments situated directly in front of me.
2009 marks a new beginning in more ways than I care to recall. I retain many aspirations & even a few lofty dreams. However, my primary objective is now about finding joy in every single day.
Want to follow along?
I'd be honored if you did. *Smile*
she's alive! 11-22-09
Long time no to blog, huh?
What's it been...almost five months? Sorry about that - I had quite a run.
There's lots to catch up on & more than a few things I would like to share. Thus, how
about if we just jump right in, ok? *Smile*
So why no new blog posts for such an extended period? My career was certainly a big distraction. Lets face it, these are crazy times and we're all extra focused upon work these days, no?
I
also regained a sense of passion with a variety of important interests - I even
made it out to the golf driving range last month. How did that go? Well...if I'm
facing a right dog-leg with no trees or related barriers - I'm likely to set
some course records. *Laugh* My horrid slice did begin to improve over the last
third of my bucket thanks to an adorable pro's advice. Playing golf as a woman
is not just about hitting from those red tee's (which is really nice) - it's
also about getting all kinds of help from nearby men even if you don't ask for
it (which is also really nice). *Grin* I'm keeping a close eye on my left
shoulder (damaged in 2001 by a f***ing psycho-fan). Hopefully, it won't act up &
I can actually once again enjoy a few rounds of links in 2010.
Honestly?
I don't recall the last time my life was this
well-balanced physically, spiritually & emotionally. It's nice. However, none of
this is really the root cause for my extended silence.
Simply stated - I'm finding it increasingly challenging to dedicate much time to my "transgender" life. My current existence? It's now almost totally non transgender. Thus, unless it's part of time I already budgeted (SCC, etc.), I have little patience and even less interest in any form of "tranny talk".
With that in mind, I wish to offer an apology to those of you that sent notes and / or questions these last several months. Unless I happened to receive your letter just as I was on-line (and it was a fairly simple query) - I let my response "pile" build up to a point where it became insurmountable. A positive byproduct of this distancing is that I'm making real progress towards creating some killer new content for reneereyes.com - primarily within the new "transition" guide and the Admirer's Handbook / TG-Dating information. I feel confident I'll start uploading much of this in the first quarter of 2010 & be able to complete the first phase by June. I didn't realize what a monumental undertaking it was to re-tool a site as large as mine into an even larger presence with improved navigation. It's a bitch, but I'm getting there.
With all this in mind, I decided to take a couple of steps to create some workable boundaries with my work in Genderland, including:
Fair enough?
So what's been happening these last five months?
Hmmmm, let's see...
My 30-Year High School Reunion
A
thirty-year class reunion can be a bit traumatic even under the best of
circumstances. However, when a football team captain returns to a small town in
western Kentucky as a woman? Well, it's hard to imagine how that wouldn't
be somewhat
eventful.
My plans to attend my reunion were aggravated
by a few nasty emails from classmates less than supportive regarding my new
life, including one anonymous coward who served up a pair of threats regarding
my potential appearance. Lets be honest - after all I've been through in my
journey - I don't exactly get scared by some 48-year-old backwards jerk from
Owensboro, Ky. If you're gonna' threaten me? You better be coming with more than
an attitude. Alas, you can take the girl out of the trailer park...*Laugh*
Still, the last thing I wanted was to be the cause of some consequential
distraction for my fellow classmates during what was supposed to be a joyous
occasion. Thanks to the classy kindness of a now badge-wielding fellow
classmate, I was able to attend with a sense of assurance that anything bizarre
would be handled - thank you very much, Mark. 
The Saturday night gathering (I didn't make the Friday event) was held at the social hall of St Pious X out on Highway 60 & I arrived amidst of pouring rain...fitting, huh? *Laugh* The event was nothing short of outstanding thanks to all the hard work of the organizers, namely, Desla, Dawn, Terry & Allison.
I can't say I was ever able to just relax and enjoy the moment but I was glad I went. I had a chance to connect with a number of old cronies. I sadly discovered that one of my dearest old friends from high school - Jeff Gray - had passed away two years before. Finding that out was a big downer & I decided to leave shortly afterwards.
Having already lost my best childhood friend - Rob Puckett
- to a murder in 2004 and all my immediate family over the years, hearing about
Jeff was just too much to take. There remains one more dear friend from my early
childhood that I'm hoping to reconnect with in 2010. He was at the reunion but
we didn't find our way to talk. I actually have two very important people from
my past where I'm struggling in terms of finding the right words to reconnect. I
want them in my life, I need them in my life - yet every time I start to
reach out? The words escape my soul. What does that mean? I don't know. However,
I hope it's something it changes soon.
Anyway...
The following day, I traveled about town - visiting new & old landmarks. It's amazing what a big deal little changes are in a small town. Also, I grabbed a burger at the Dairy Drive-In on Parish Avenue...and was comforted by the fact they were still as tasty as ever. I enjoyed a vanilla latte at a downtown coffee shop with a lovely outdoor seating area...that was an unexpected pleasure. I stopped by the house where I grew up but it didn't take long before I started getting rather emotional. Thus, I didn't make the subsequent visit to my family's gravesites - I was just too drained. It was time to go...and I was definitely ready to leave.
I gotta' be honest - once I hit the open road I felt that I never wanted to go back to Owensboro. I felt like I did not belong, I felt pain, and I felt lonely. Upon further reflection over the past couple of months, I decided the problem was rooted in the fact I had gone so many years without direct contact with these old friends. Let's face it: a tree is never stronger than its roots and some of mine are damaged & in need of care. I intend to begin fixing that in 2010. Also, I'm now totally "outed" in my hometown. Although my life was never any big secret, I was able to anonymously stop-in & visit on occasion. Those days are over and that's probably a good thing.
Thus, a new chapter begins...
Equals Bar: Owensboro Kentucky
Speaking of "new chapters"?
A
definite
highlight of my trip back to Owensboro was a visit to "Equals"
- a gay / alternative bar located just off the downtown sector at 1006 East 4th
Street. I heard about this place through the grapevine but was having difficulty
creating a mental image of its existence. The concept of a successful
gay bar in my hometown seemed about as likely as a high-volume pork barbeque
joint in Tel-Aviv, know what I mean?
Although my life is now rather sedate, you would be hard-pressed to find another gal with more experience in the bar & club scene across America than yours truly. Dating back to my jaunts to Studio 54 in the early 80's, I tasted the energy of pretty much every licensed form of social gathering known to man, woman or beast over the years. I'm not easily impressed.
It's worth noting that the continuing acceptance of transgenderism across mainstream America is creating a decline in the number & quality of successful gay, lesbian & tranz clubs within large cities. Atlanta is certainly a victim of this phenomenon. However, in the smaller towns...where alternative expression is less integrated? The vibrant energy from days gone-by is alive & well. Equals Bar in Owensboro is a classic example in this regard.
The lead bartender "Scott" was friendly & vigilant regarding fast service in what quickly became a crowded club. As it happened, they were filing a segment of Extreme Makeover / Home Edition in Owensboro and much of that cast & crew were visiting Equals at the same time as yours truly.
The DJ was first-rate - even by Atlanta standards. However, my biggest shock was the quality of DRAG entertainment from the show headliners Erica Dawn & Monica Hillz. These gals worked hard on their acts - something I rarely witness in Atlanta any longer. Even the Tranz-men / DRAG Kings were well represented (Good job, Jake!). I had the pleasure of chatting with Kelly - the club's owner - before I left. He's adorable & the ideal person to represent this unique success story.
The bottom line?
If you ever find yourself in western Kentucky on a weekend and are under the delusion there couldn't possibly be a fun alternative club to spend your night, you'll get a pleasant surprise with a visit to Equals in Owensboro, Kentucky.
Atlanta's Social Butterfly
Naturally, the last five months were a source of more than a few fun events. What was worth noting?
I
went to a great live concert that included the Doobie Brothers & Bad Company at
Chastain Park with my old friends Mike Scott & Bill Medley this summer. Live
music from your youth is such a special experience, 'ya know? In a flash, you're
right down memory lane and for just a moment - time transcends reality. We had a
blast!
My dear friend Lu celebrated her 30th birthday at a party hosted at a friend's house in Sandy Springs. The host is an architect & the home showed accordingly - with an absolutely killer backyard that was bricked into an incredibly cozy setup for just such a gathering. Additionally, there was a hot tub overlooking a waterfall which served to fill a lovely swimming pool. As the night wore on, the temptation to test the waters overwhelmed us and almost everyone ended up soaking wet. I ended up floating about the pool in an oversized inner tube. I guess I found a new means to sober up after too much Vino, no? *Laugh*
Also, we held a several house / dinner parties including a special gathering for Esther - my roomies housekeeper of over twenty years. Esther is a very cool lady & exceptionally skilled with cleaning - something I admire. We invited her entire family & spent the day serving her for a change. It was a joyous gathering.
What else?
My
dear friend Sid gifted a pair of tickets to Iztach Perlman at the Fox Theater in
downtown Atlanta. Thus, Kristin & I pulled out some
classy threads & showed up for what proved to be a phenomenal performance. Of
course, at intermission - we lost much of our sensibilities & stocked up on
chocolate treats - complete with an XL-bag of buttered popcorn...yum, yum. Thus,
the second half of the show took on a whole new meaning. Let's face it - you
just can't take those damned tranny's any place that's classy. *Laugh*
This year's Gay Pride, 2009 in Atlanta was postponed from it's usual date in June due to an inability to secure Piedmont Park as the primary venue. Thus, Pride-o-Ween was born on this Halloween night in Atlanta. As you might expect in late October, it rained - which put a damper on what should have been an extra wild evening. I did my Marilyn Monroe routine while Kristin once again stole the show with her flawless rendition of Sarah Palin.
We made it back home just after midnight. Can you believe
that? There was time when I didn't even walk out the door until midnight. God,
I'm getting old!
Finally, I once again stopped by for a night at SCC in Atlanta. As always, it was great to see many old friends & make a few new acquaintances. Worth noting is the outstanding head bartender at the Hyatt Ravinia "Work" - who goes out of his way to make everyone of any persuasion feel welcome. That's always special.
It's not a job...it's an adventure!
Having been "single" for about a year, I began my adventure of "dating" by posting an ad at traditional sites like Match.com. Ugh...not a good idea. *Laugh* No matter if I put the fact I'm a transsexual in large CAPS at the beginning of my ad, most men just went directly to the photos & subsequently to email link - only to discover their oversight during subsequent communication. Thus, more than one subsequently lashed out at me in less than positive terms. It wasn't worth the potential anguish after a long day of work. I deleted both of these types of ads.
I settled upon a couple of sites exclusive to tranz-females. However, I was surprised to find I was already "on" one of them - at least a few of my photos were. *Laugh* There seems to be a pair of individuals out there that constantly use my photos in their personal ads. Friends alerted me accordingly over the years & I tried to stay on top of it - but there's really not much I can do. I am curious as to how they will deal with actually meeting someone? That would be a bit challenging, no? *Laugh*
Anyway...
I'm now in a fairly positive state of mind regarding my dating adventures. Please cross your fingers for me. I'm in a good place in terms of most aspects of my life. It would be nice to share the next legs of my journey with someone extra special. Oh, yeah...and I also miss having "sex". *Laugh*
Mom's 80th Birthday
October 30th, 2009 marked my mother's 80th birthday. I
held vigil in her honor by lighting a candle aside a favorite photo and
subsequently reading though a litany of old cards & letters. It was a very emotional albeit cathartic
experience. I laughed, I cried & I smiled. Mom was such an extraordinary lady. I
considered all my efforts to emulate her best qualities and felt
misery from the realization of how poorly I compare. I decided to rededicate my
efforts in her honor. There could be no better role model on being an incredible woman,
than my mother.
I don't intend to waste that gift.
Later this same night while trying to find sleep, I further reflected upon how much I miss my mother's presence - big mistake. Subsequently, I didn't just start crying...I began f***ing wailing. It got to a point I even couldn't catch my breath. What is it about a "mother" that we all yearn for? I think it's that safe place of unconditional love that's so rare & sacred in this life.
I'm thankful for what I had - but I truly miss her. Damn it...I'm crying again!
Time for a coffee & pee-pee break...then I'll finish this long overdue blog update.
The New Magic Show
On a very bright note, my BFF Kristin & I decided to recreate my old magic show into something new. I've dreamed of some sort of launch of my old vistas in magic & performing on numerous occasions but never found the time or energy to drive those ideas into reality. Partnering with Kristin turned out to be the "missing link".
Kristin's skills in this regard are extraordinary. As a film major in college, she's actually just a frustrated "Stephanie Spielberg" - and her clever adoptions for our new show rival her namesake. She's amazing & I don't think we'll disappoint with the new act.
Unfortunately,
before we could make any real
progress - I had to pull the larger illusions from my storage
unit. That was no small feat. Naturally, these items were mixed into the very rear of
my unit...UGH!! Thus, I hired a couple of movers (very cute, by the way), pulled the
needed items - and ended up rearranging the rest of my "stuff" (I'm glad
that's done).
I'll be sharing more soon regarding this new magic act. We hope to do a couple of soft launches during the first quarter of 2010 - followed by a grand opening sometime in the spring. Stay tuned...we'll be uploading an exclusive website for the show at that time.
EBay Fall Sale
Although it's starting a couple of month's late, I will be posting my usual "fall sale" on ebay beginning December 5th, 2009. I use two ID's (Dramagica & FashionAssembly) to cover the variety of items I offer: Please take a look - there's always some unique & fun "stuff" from my closets & my life - I'm even including some old magic tricks in this fun sale.
I suppose that's about all the news that's fit to print.
Until next month...
My best to one & all...
Keep the faith!
Renee
Birds & Bees 06-03-09
That Little Black Dress
I remain committed to my healthier diet & exercise regimen and the results are starting to pay off. Thus, I finally got up the nerve to try-on one of my favorite items: a vintage form-fitting little black dress from Gianni Versace that's been laughing at me every time I even glanced its way in my closet these past couple of years. This dress was Gianni's answer to Thierry Mugler's creation for Demi Moore from the "Indecent Proposal" flick. Remember the dress?
The good news is that this little number totally works if you've "got it going on". However, if you're sporting any extra weight or even slightly out of tone? It's one of those "Ugh, why the f*** did I ever buy this damn dress" sort of items. Know the sort of garment I'm talking about?
Anyway...
I finally fought back my fears & slipped it on...success!
Kristin's going to shoot some photos for me in this little vixen as a celebration of my hard work & 48th birthday. I'm "picturing" a tanned body, the hair pulled up high & tight, and a pair of dark sunglasses against some chic urban backdrop - sort of a Bridgette Neilson meets downtown Decatur spin.
If they come out good...I'll add 'em to next month's photo gallery update.
If not?
I'll burn them...using that damned dress as kindling. *Laugh*
My Newest Family Members
Having lost my fair share of loved ones over the years, I developed a worthwhile skill of embracing new members into the special bonds known as my "family". My newest addition is a small family of birds that just built their new home under the deck. The busy-body you see pictured here is named "Maria" - and loves to chirp very loudly just outside my window at no later than 6:00AM. Being an early riser, this hasn't been a problem but I warned her that I would remove the free feeder if she decided to start her day any earlier.
Both sets of red birds are at home & keeping my sights festive each day. One of the local squirrels blabbed about all the free nuts I'm providing. Thus, the AM charades around the parking lot is like Grand Central. My gay male cat (Ringo)...is totally amused and quite the window-peering big game hunter.
Finally encountered a new family of chipmunks. Much more shy. Get this...they don't like almonds: who knew? Thus, I've got to pick up some mixed nuts to find what appeals to their palette.
Quite a crew...
Art Collecting Update
I haven't mentioned my art collecting in awhile. This is primarily due to the fact that the core collection is essentially complete & my efforts are now dedicated almost exclusively to the curatorial side of the collection: writing & preparing to publish the new web site, continuing research & provenance, framing & cleaning projects, etc. I added a few minor filler pieces to enhance lessons - but nothing worth noting.
However...
I am now focused upon the development of my "own" art as a continuum of the collector experience. I'm having a blast in this regard. I'm unwilling to share details just yet. However, I can tell you these pieces are based around gender expression & a few quite powerful.
This remains a life-long project that I hope never "ends"...
Beauty over Lattes: Hillary
I
first met Hillary in the latter part of 2008 through Susan Bird, the owner of
"Paris" club in Decatur. She relocated to Atlanta from North Carolina to better focus
upon her transition. Our insane schedules limit our ability to visit often
but we finally found time for a "night on the town" in late April.
It's difficult for the layperson to imagine all the challenges associated with changing a gender. There are literally hundreds of physical & fashion-related nuances that cause almost any person to only glance at another human being & accurately assess if they are a "man or woman".
Hillary is right at the cusp of developing her new life erstwhile. As with most of us during this phase of transition, she sometimes gets depressed when she gets "read"...and treated accordingly. Thus, for just one night - she gave me free reign over her clothes, hair & make up - to see if we could find a new direction that would reduce some tranz-issues. If I found something good...and she faced no such "issues" when we went out afterwards? She would owe me a Latte.
Guess what happened?
We completed our micro-makeover & headed to meet a friend at Aprčs Diem for a bite. The problem was that Hillary looked so good, she confused the stares during dinner with being read versus: that...is one very pretty lady. Since we were running late getting out of the house, I wasn't able to shoot her photos until we returned. Upon subsequently bearing witness to her own images after dinner, I think she came to understand she was reaching a new level.
Doesn't she look great?
And Hillary?
You owe me a f***ing latte, GF!
*Grin*
Saying what I Feel
I recently observed a rather fascinating aspect of my persona: I got to a point where I rarely shared what I felt. Rather, I articulated what I thought. In other words, I came to trust my mind over my heart. Let's face it: her track record is a tad bit better than that other organ. I realized that over the course of my long journey, I had forgotten the difference between these two important but distinctive means of expression. Feelings are raw. Thoughts are more organized & filtered.
I didn't arrive at this insight on my own: it was a gift from a new friend that somehow made me feel comfortable saying what I felt.
That is really cool...
Thanks! :)
Kristin's 41st Birthday
My dear friend Kristin turned 41 on May 4th. Since her actual birthday was on a Monday, we limited the celebration to lunch at Ted's Montana Grill. On Friday, we played hooky & went to a matinee of the new Star Trek flick - which was nothing short of awesome. They definitely reinvented that franchise. Upon completion, we noticed that we were the only women in attendance - felt like were just watched a porno, or something. *Laugh*
Later, we changed clothes and grabbed some dinner & went dancing as our old friend from Dallas - Lisa Davis joined us.
Kristin wears "red" better than any other woman I know: she could adorn a red napkin and it would look flawless against her ivory skin. I'm so very proud of her continuing success with her growing company. Her friendship remains an important part of my life.
Tara's Pain
Finally, some of you might recall the health challenges endured earlier this year by my roommate's daughter: "Tara". This just hasn't been her year. On Saturday May 2nd - her long-term boyfriend (Chris Letts) passed away after suffering from a massive heart attack.
Our thoughts & prayers remain with Tara during this trying time.
Until next month...
My best to one & all...
Keep the faith!
Renee
"Thelma" plus Thirty-Years Later... 04-15-09
As promised, I'm staying on schedule with my journaling updates. I'm still busy as ever but remain in a pretty good state of mind & spirit.
Have a couple of fun things to share, so lets get right to it...
Owensboro High School: 30-Year Reunion
2009 marks thirty-years since I graduated from Owensboro High School. It's still hard to imagine I'm now that old. It's likewise difficult to fathom how much changed...the deaths of all my immediate family members, the murder of my best H.S. friend Robbie Puckett, my new gender...it sometimes feels as though my high school memories are more like recalled dreams versus actual life history.
Anyway...
Our class reunion will take place this fall & I am planning to attend. I've had several old friends from high school reach out in a friendly manner over the last several years. Likewise, I've had some negative feedback. Thus, I'd say it's a coin toss in terms of exactly how all this will come out. Small towns in Kentucky still struggle with the whole concept of diversity. However, when your football team captain & class president is now a woman? There's little doubt I'm pushing a boundary.
Sounds like fun to me... *Grin*
The first night will include a tour of our old high school plus we're going to an OHS football game. As in most small towns across the south, Friday night football is still a really big deal. At the 34th-winningist high school football program in the nation? It's more like a rite of passage into fall. I haven't been by the stadium since it was fully renovated a few years back. At 5'9 and 200 lbs, I was always smaller than the guys I lined up against each week, which meant my uniform was typically the filthiest on the field. Nowadays? They have Astroturf: I'm sooo jealous! :)
Thelma & Louise: Re-born
My dear friend Betty & I just trekked upon our first "Thelma & Louise" weekend getaway.
How was it?
Simply stated: we packed more fun & adventure into those 48-hours than most people manage over an entire month. We traveled to Birmingham, Alabama for our initial jaunt. I'll be adding a photo-journal detailing our voyage later this month. Thus, I don't want to spoil any exploits with this entry.
Our only consequential challenge was when it was time to make a decision. However large...however small...we both tend to default towards pleasing the person with us. Thus, when we're alone together? There's nobody left to "decide".
For example:
"Which bed do you want?"
"Doesn't matter to me...whichever you don't want."
"They both look the same to me...you call it".
"I'm going to go ahead & start unpacking...it's up to you."
Are you getting the picture? *Laugh*
Fortunately, Betty came up with the idea of flipping a trusted penny for our tough "decisions": that solved that. :)
Betty is such a special friend...
I'm the sort of person that
tends to have a number of good friends &
more than one best friend. Most of my closest comrades are decidedly
alpha-females. I'm more of a listener
& nurturer in personal associations. Thus, it's only natural to connect with
a ying-yang in that regard. However, Betty...is my one dear friend that's
most like me. Thus, our connection is special. We share thoughts,
feelings & frustrations that only we can fully empathize.
As is often the case, our passive natures are not without paradox. You've heard many of mine before but Betty's are equally compelling: she's as fearless as she is ebullient. Although with a fifth-degree black belt in Tae Kwon Do (she's also testing for her black belt in Hap-Ki-Do later this month), she has a tad bit stronger foundation to support her courageous nature than yours truly.
Betty and I call and speak briefly each & every morning. I really don't think I could have made it past my recent break-up in such a sane and healthy manner without her comfort, guidance & insights. Likewise, I provide her with my continuing love & support. We both tend to be attracted to the same sort of person but usually a different type of person, which means our advice to one another in loving relationships is particularly interesting.
As a point of reference, her husband & the love of her life: Michael Amodeo is included in the memorials section of my web site. He was an amazing man & their love continues to inspire those of us that knew them together.
We're planning to make a couple of affordable "Themla & Louise" trips each year. Look for more stories about our adventures in the coming months. :)
That's about all the news that's fit to print.
Until next month...
My best to one & all...
Keep the faith!
Renee
Springtime in Atlanta! 03-30-09
Sorry about the tardiness of this posting, I'm still focused upon making March an absolutely killer month. After the start I had in 2009? I really needed that success. I'll be back on schedule this month - with my next journal entry being posted somewhere around the 15th...ok? :)
So what's new?
Let's see.
Springtime in Atlanta
At the top of my list is the beauty of springtime. We had a bit of snow (which was lovely) to start our March but springtime showed her demonstrative face just enough to let us know that lasting warmth is just around the corner. I enjoy the cooler temperatures. Let's face it - I'm a fall-fashion addict. *Laugh* However, I'm now ready for some heat once again.
Also, my adorable redbirds are now back at home in the ravine behind my quarters. We once again visit over coffee each morning. Still no sign of the family of chipmunks. Thus, the squirrels are corralling all the nuts I parcel each AM. Hopefully, all my furry comrades will return soon.
Simply stated: it's springtime...and I'm blessed. :)
Back to Basics
Between my roommate's daughter being in the hospital for a forty-day span, my long-term lover abruptly leaving me for someone else, plus an unexpected & consequential business-related setback...my new year started off like f***ing crap. Having anticipated almost every aspect of our current economic meltdown, I began 2009 fully prepared to ignore the media distractions & stay focused upon implementing my goals & dreams. My new business venture has been too long coming & I was pretty sure this was my year to cross new chasms. However, I wasn't prepared for those personal surprises. Simply stated...they nearly wasted me.
One aspect of life that's essential to a transsexual's success is the whole concept of "starting over". By definition, a gender transition is aptly defined as a new start. However, the equally challenging aspect of this equation is the constant setbacks & distractions regarding being transgender. I keep becoming delusional - think I'm now past all these issues. Then...I get hit squarely once again...ugh!
Fortunately in this instance I was able to recognize that this party of setbacks wasn't another test of fate - it was more of a "luck of the draw" gone awry. I got past it and flourished during March by implementing the most important survival technique for transgender women: getting back to basics. When you reach for a distant limb and accidentally or maliciously end up on the ground, I've found the most important subsequent step is to ignore the fall & get back to the basics of climbing.
What are the basics?
A healthy routine with good friends, spiritual balance, physical fitness, and less time "thinking" & more time doing.
Works for me...
Russian in Georgia
A definite highlight of March was getting to visit with my adopted niece: Tatiana. She trekked to Tennessee for spring break to see her dad and his family. As it turned out, they ended up coming down to Atlanta for her first weekend and I got to visit with the gang at a hotel. Later that night, Tatiana & I made our way to an Ihop for a midnight breakfast & conversation. I visited everyone in Nashville the following weekend as the growing Russian attended a dance at her old high school.
As always, it was great to see this beautiful joy in my life.
What's up with all these new Photos?
In case you haven't noticed, I added a newly design photo gallery at my web site plus a bunch of additional pictures. Also, I'm now shooting new photos on an almost daily basis: when I return from work, before I go out at night, etc., etc., etc.
Taking lots of pictures of myself is a long-gone habit from my earlier days of transgender expression. However, in this instance - there's a method to my madness. I'm developing a new section for this website regarding transgender-related fashion tips. Thus, I need this inventory of new photos to support the new content & education at reneereyes.com.
It's been an interesting experience. I used to love taking photos of myself. Now? I would rather photograph other people.
Go figure...
In Search of "The Love of my Life"...
As I mentioned at the beginning of this new entry - I recently got dumped by my long term partner. Honestly? I never expected to ever find myself amongst the singles scene again. After getting past the initial hurt & anger...then subsequently taking time to reflect upon my needs & wants - I decided to once again try opening my heart to another.
I embrace the real likelihood of living my life without someone most special. I like to think I'm unique amongst transgender women and that somehow improves my chances for success. However, I'm forced to recognize that much of what makes me extraordinary is also a hindrance to a potentially successful loving union. There's always a trade-off, huh? Yuck...
One thing's for certain: I'm sick of my transgender lifestyle being the crux of a prescription for failure in relationships. Thus, I'm now focusing my attention on another tranz-person as my potential partner. Does that mean if I met the ideal man or woman tomorrow that I would brush-off that opportunity? Of course not. It just means that's not the horizon where my eyes are now fixated.
How am I approaching this new search?
Simple...I'm creating the best possible routine I can develop that doesn't include this new person. In other words, I'm creating a life filled with activities I most enjoy so that if I'm going to spend time with a new person? It means I must take time away from something I really enjoy doing. I like to think the byproduct of this strategy will be two-fold. First & foremost, it should keep me from wasting time with someone I consider a marginal match. Let's face it - when we're "looking" it's easy to get distracted by people that we know in our heart will never be a good match. Second? If I never find this ideal partner...I'll still be having fun doing things I love.
Sounds like a plan, to me... :)
Following...is a "cut & paste" of a quasi-personal ad that I posted at my MySpace page in this regard. I include it here for one primary reason. I'm asking for your help - which is something I almost never do. If you know of another tranz-woman that sounds something like what I describe here & that you consider extraordinary...I would appreciate it if you would share this link with her.
Thank you! :)
The Ad...
I ‘gotta be honest: this feels demeaning to share publicly. I know it shouldn’t: but it does. Regardless – I’ve decided to go ahead & “put it out there”.
I’d love to meet & develop a fulfilling relationship with another ideally-suited transgender woman. Could that be you? If so, I really hope you’ll invest a moment to read this summary and consider what I have to say.
I’m recently removed from yet another failed long-term relationship. It forced me to do a good bit of soul-searching in terms my past mistakes. I’ve now dated pretty much every permutation of humanity except small children – although a few of my past partners could easily be classified into that latter category. :)
I’ve come to embrace that my best opportunity for a life-long, committed & healthy relationship probably rests in the arms of another transsexual woman much like myself. Of course, I really don’t want someone “just” like me. What fun would that be? I’m seeking another with similar values but complimentary skills & interests.
I’m looking for a lady that’s around my same age & that’s also well past the challenges & scars sometimes associated with a change of gender. I won’t match with someone who’s in the process of becoming a woman or only recently went full-time. I need another who’s WELL past the tranz-side of being transsexual…and that’s created a full-filling & balanced post-transition life – but who like me: remains alone.
I’m wise enough to understand this sort of union will require a good bit of give & take. We’ll be forced to share some important emotional real estate. Thus, I’m not looking for a diva. If you need to constantly be the center of attention and are not willing to share the feminine spotlight in a union: we definitely won’t match.
As for me?
I love art: galleries, museums, and other hallowed halls of human expression. Wish I was likewise talented but I compensate by collecting. If you're really into art or an artist yourself? That would be a nice plus.
Love coffee…good coffee-shops - even more.
I’m a brainiac’s brainiac…in my area of expertise: hold five US & four world-wide patents. Outside that expertise? I’m often insightful but sometimes dumb-as-dirt. I have absolutely ZERO sense of direction: it’s embarrassing. I especially appreciate a woman who appreciates the fact we all have particular strengths & weaknesses. My career went into transition two years back and I thankfully recognized that my assets were disproportionate to my lower income. Thus, I cut-back on my lifestyle to protect my future. To my surprise, I’m equally fulfilled. Who knew? :)
I never deny that I once a man: I'm not ashamed of it. Rather, I take advantage of the insights & skills my past afforded me to be a better woman. I'm physically & emotionally strong - but like anyone else I can be fragile in a loving relationship. I’d match well with a drama-free, soft femme that's comfortable in her femininity, and herself.
I have a good life: dear friends, adorable pets, a worthwhile career & a sense of higher purpose to my projects. I fully embraced the likelihood of being alone throughout the rest of my life journey and I’m “ok” with that.
However, I’m going to keep looking because I like the odds: I only have to find “one”.
If this all sounds like a potentially good match for you – or someone you know, why not drop me a line or send them this link?
Thanks!
Seeya' in a Couple of weeks
As I said, I'll post my next entry in a couple of weeks & get things back on schedule.
My best to one & all...
Keep the faith!
Renee
the band plays on... 02-16-09
Another crazy month since we last spoke...
Valerie Turned 50
This Valentine's day was unique in more ways than my lack of candy or roses: it marked my sister's 50th birthday. It's hard to believe that she's now been gone for over thirty years. I guess it just never registers because I still talk to her: mostly to complain about how she left in the first place. I never had an adult relationship with my sister...she was only seventeen when she took her own life. I can only try to imagine what it would be like to have her around at this time. She was a deep thinker, a creative genius and a total bitch of an alpha female.
I miss her. I love her.
Happy birthday, 'sis...at least you'll never have to worry about looking like you're fifty. ((hugs))
A Favorite Place: Tastings in Decatur
On a much better note, I'm happy to share with you my newest favorite place to hang my heels in the metro Atlanta area - Tastings - located at 335 West Ponce de Leon just off the square in downtown Decatur. This intimate little wine bar is just what the doctor ordered for downtown Decatur. The offer a massive array of wines, a delectable menu of specialties & a cozy atmosphere to relax or connect with another.
Personally, I enjoy their various nightly specials from wine-tastings or chef's surprises. Here's what I do: I take some work with me, enjoy whatever journey they plan for my palette...and I let the creative juices flow. I recently resolved a pair of monumental work-challenges in the good-energy found at Tastings.
If you're looking for that just-right getaway...without breaking your bank: give 'em a try! :)
End of an Era
On a sad note, my dear friend Red and her Russian-born daughter moved to Texas at the end of January, 2009. Unfortunately, both Red's mother & grandfather faced increasingly dire health and her daddy was simply no longer able to handle matters alone.
These two very unique ladies changed my life in more ways than I can ever recall. They went through my transition with me, they forced me to dress more appropriate to my age (ugh...I hated that part) and they loved me as a member of their family. I'm not just a better person because of this association: I'm a better woman.
I won't see them as much anymore. But...I'll always love them.
Tatiana will be returning to Nashville to see her dad over spring break next month. Thus, I'm going to make a special trip to visit with her while she's up this way. Additionally, I'm planning to make a day-trip to my hometown of Owensboro, KY at this same time.
Tara is Better
On another better note, my roommate's daughter "Tara" finally returned home after "forty days & nights" in the hospital. It's impossible to describe what all went wrong during her hospital hell: it was a study in the Murphy's Law of modern medicine. As I'm sure you can imagine, her first several days back home were brutal: just the detoxing from the heavy doses of pain-meds was brutal.
She's now on an upward path...and we're looking forward to things staying that way. Thank you...for your kind thoughts & prayers.
And so we move on...
I gotta' be honest...
I'm really struggling on a personal level at this time. My life, my body, my love-life, my family, my home, my career...everything that I would use to define myself has become so mangled recently that I sometimes lose touch with exactly who I am. Know what I mean? Add to this labyrinth my change of gender and the slicing & dicing of my loins...and I can't help but wonder...am I still the same person I always was? My only reminder of any consistency is my favorite music. Isn't it a wonderful gift how music can take us back to our past in a single guitar rift?
These are crazy times. I'm not convinced there won't come a day when I awake & decide that I'm just not interested in starting-over anymore.
But that day...is not today.
Until next month...
My best to one & all...
Keep the faith!
Renee
Leaving it all behind... 01-17-09
Is someone playing a joke on me?
That query could easily define my final stretch of 2008. Things went from bad, to worse...then they veered into terrible...and ended up crashed into the wall of downright-ugly. I don't recall ever being more satisfied to hasten a new year. My life changed a great deal in the last quarter of 2008, but strangely: I didn't. I'm figuring that's important in some manner. Alas, I'm not smart enough to comprehend it just yet.
Anyway...
After a good bit of soul-searching, I decided I didn't want to carry these recent disasters into my new year. Thus, I created a detailed list of the bad things that happened & literally planned their burial in symbolic gesture of stiff-lip defiance. Upon further retrospective, I realized these setbacks were just the tip of my iceberg. I subsequently worked for two-straight days creating a comprehensive listing of all my painful baggage. Not to be outdone by negativity, I also contemplated the many blessings that I wanted to carry into my future. Upon completion of this worst while project, I ceremoniously scaled the ravine behind our house, purposefully recited the entire list of negativity - and subsequently buried every damn issue into the soils of 2008. I gotta' be honest, that was a very emotional trek: I hissed, I cried, I laughed, I even screamed aloud as I christened this makeshift Pet Cemetery of failure, pain, lost love & bygone friendship. I'll never forget it.
Upon return to central heat & fresh coffee, I lit a candle and meditated for about thirty minutes. Afterwards, I joyously recited all the blessings I kept in my life. I know all this probably sounds pretty f***ing strange...but before you call-in the white coats? I must tell you: this is working. My soul remains fixated upon a clear horizon. When I struggle, I'm reminded: I left my pain behind...it's not a part of 2009! *Smile*
Works for me...
On the less weird front: with the help & guidance of my BGF Kristin, I purchased a new camera: a 12.2 MPix Cannon EOS Rebel XSi with an 18-55mm lens. It's totally the bomb! I can't get over the difference with image quality & lighting. 2009 includes a ton of photographic projects & this new tool seems ideally suited to deliver my goods. Look for some fun new photos soon! *Smile*
Dating...
I'm officially back in the "dating" scene.
How's that going? Well...I haven't gone on any dates yet. *Laugh* Okay, first-off you have to understand:
I literally despise dating. Simply stated: I'm serial monogamous dater. Thus,
to once again finding myself amongst the date-mate process is just one brick shy
of totally f***ing
depressing. To date, my orbit remains fixated around the unhealthy planet of
"everybody's favorite mistress...but nobody's bride". In other words, my last
decade was a three-time rerun of falling in love with someone who found
themselves unable and/or unwilling to love me openly...ouch! You'd think
I'd learn. Alas, blonde roots can run pretty damned deep. Honestly? I'm figuring
I'll just stay focused upon my goals & passions for 2009...and keep my eyes
open. Alas, my life isn't all that bad without someone special.
Social fun...
I got out one night this month: joined my dear friend Betty and her adorable compilation of eclectic persona's at LeBuzz in Marietta. Betty has a most unique gift of assimilating highly divergent clans into perfectly meshed associations. We had a blast: the photo to the right is me with two new friends - Lisa & Carmen. As you can see, we were pretty much smashed. *Laugh*
This month's good humor moment was my first-ever (and most likely last) experiment with Karaoke at the Stage Door in Tucker, GA. Let's face it - I no longer have a man's voice and my female voice isn't exactly the world's best. Thus, my singing-voice is essentially the worst of everything. *Laugh* I did have fun, though...and in the end? That makes every adventure worthwhile. I hadn't been by Stage Door in almost two years so it was a special delight visiting with Brian (definitely one of the best bar owners in Atlanta) and getting a hug from my dear old friend: Sister Sara. Stage Door has those "Poker Nights" which are the main reason I stopped-by...I'm planning to play poker once a month on Sunday nights at Stage Door in the "beginners" grouping. I'm smooth with the mathematics of card games but I suck at bluffing. Thus, this new voyage is all about fun.
Prayers...
My roommate's daughter had surgery in mid-December: it didn't go well. What was supposed to be a simple, one & a half hour procedure turned into a four-day hospital sabbatical. Then...on January first, she was carted via ambulance back to the hospital with a pulmonary embolism & pneumonia. As of today, she's remains hospitalized & we're not sure when she's coming home. Please include "Tara" in your prayers. ((hugs))
That's about all the news that's fit to print.
My best to one & all...
Keep the faith!
Renee
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