"The Art of Living T"

  preface  

reneereyes.com is dedicating to sharing my experiences with transgenderism. Through this exchange, I hope others will find improved routes to happiness. My path has been a bit "wayward" at times. 

This manifesto represents the basis for much of the "light" that shown me clear of life's darkest tunnels. Perhaps it can brighten your way as well.

It's been said "the eyes are the mirrors to the soul". If that's true, these "words" represent my eyes. Beneath them, you'll discover my very essence for living - my soul.

adventures of a living artist  

I love art. As an avid art "collector" - I've come to appreciate the power - of "self expression". Unfortunately, I can't even draw a circle - let alone "sculpt" a monument. Thus, I "express" my artistic tendencies through the way I live - "my life".

Part of this "artistic expression" is sharing my "art" with others. How? By sharing the unique experiences coloring my life's canvas - each and every day I live. Some of my work is vibrant - full of lively colors. I tend to adore these areas of my canvas. Others are "dark" - often sardonic - and less appealing "visually" than their glowing counterparts. Collectively, all the pigments - are me. Thus, I treasure each one - as part of the "total picture" they illuminate.

My art is forever evolving. However, I've painted long enough to recognize a few characteristics of my style. For instance: I sometimes paint over an area - as I develop improved skills and insights as a "life painter". Still, most of the original pigments are there - whether in full view - or buried beneath a recent coat of fresh paint. 

my living art 

I call myself a living artist - one of billions painting a life here on earth. I happen to believe all "people" are living artists - even if they don't embrace "their renderings" as artistic. 

My greatest artistic challenge is "comprehending" - the simplest of questions. I find these little jewels profound. " Who am I?" "Where am I from?" "Where am I going?" These topics have perplexed more than one human over the centuries. They still confuse me. 

I'm sure many of you have already colored areas I'm just now sketching. Thus, you might enjoy a pleasant - even humorous - trip down memory lane by reviewing "my canvas". Others might still be formulating their artistic compositions - and discover fresh ideas to help exhibit their “image".

Most experts would say the greatest artists - became great - because they were able to manifest there visions on a singular canvas. I believe the best artists are still alive - living their art - all around us.

one living artist's "manifesto"

Every gal must have her principles. These are mine. I call them my "living artist's manifesto". It reads as follows:

I am a human being. I am a man. I am a woman. Thus, I am a transsexual. I am not superior to others. I choose to be happy.  I love myself.  I like myself. I am gifted. I am not responsible for the happiness of others. I take no guilt in sexual pleasure. I am human. I am a living artist.

Sound simple? It is. However, I find living it quite challenging. Following are descriptions of each of major “shade” supporting my work of art. 

i am a human being

Let's see...body temperature of 98.6 degrees, walks on two feet (most of the time), and able to "speak". Yes, I'm a "human" - as best I can tell. 

That means I'm part of that group known as "modern man" - purportedly inhabiting this planet for about 5,000 years. Considering the dinosaurs were in charge of the earth for almost 150 million years, I'm guessing - as a species - we're fairly young. This probably means we’re only beginning to grasp " who we really are". 

That's cool. I'm glad to be part of the artistic evolution of human beings. Aren't you?

i am a man

I adore women - pretty much worship their very essence. In fact, my mind has actually convinced "itself" I am one - clever little minx that she is.  However, I was "born a man" - and have spent a lot of years living as one. And no amount of drugs or surgeries will ever change that fact. 

Many transsexuals feel a need to rid themselves of all things masculine - in an attempt to better manifest "her" more clearly in their hearts  - and in the eyes of the world around them. In doing so, I believe they forfeit half  the great power offered by transsexualism. Namely, they give up the ability to most easily summon the wisdom from dual sexuality - in thought, in living, and in love.

One everlasting trait I inherited from my "dear old mom" - was my sense of forever being economy minded. No amount of shame - could ever cause me to "purge" items I acquired for "Renee".  Why? Because I'm probably the " cheapest" bitch you've ever known. My close friends are forever seeking my counsel to save money on new purchases. I was taught - literally brainwashed - that we’re given a finite number of “natural” resources - and we must optimize them. 

Following the time I embraced transgenderism, I fell into a trap of “recognizing" every new insight - as something she brought out. Naturally, my subconscious began to believe this feminine gender - was the superior one. Accordingly, my conscious mind doled most of life's accolades to her. Understandably, " he" became upset for lack of recognition afforded his share of achievements - and began quietly sulking in the farthest corners of my soul.

I now embrace this fine fellow. My "man" has provided many great insights and experiences in my life. To deny his existence - and the importance of his place in my life - is to deny my "self" - a certain path to an unfulfilled life.

i am a woman

Am I ever! Although I'm proud to be a man - I must admit - I much prefer being a woman. I tend to appreciate all things feminine and value those aspects that are womanly inside my soul. 

It took a lot of years to understand this "part" of me. My first vivid recollection of her - was just before my fifth birthday. We had recently moved into a new home. The night before I turned five, I prayed until my hearts content I would awake and find I was " now a girl". I even envisioned all my undergarments and clothes miraculously changed as well. It was a fairly detailed prayer - for a youngster.

At the age of five, I believed in Santa Claus. I also believed I could somehow retain that pot of gold I occasionally discovered in my sleeping dreams. Around the ripe old age of "seven" - I discovered none of these "fantasies" - were a reality.

It took over thirty additional years of "living" - to re-learn what I already knew - at the age of five. Namely, my dreams can come true, Santa Claus does exist - and I really am - a woman.

i am a transsexual

While the clinical definition of a "transsexual" is essential to establish a fixed point in space for the purpose of ongoing scientific evaluation - it offers zilch - in discerning a path to embrace such a life. 

The first time I heard this "term" - or at least had it applied it to me - I never considered it a one directional "path". Rather, I perceived it as a fluid exchange of polar sexualities - housed within the same living tissue. It wasn't long before I realized " my perception" - was somewhat different from many other "artists". 

Know what? That's what's great about art. Lots of painters see the exact same scenery – and produce a totally different image.

Why did I first - and still - view a "transsexual" as a person who lives within both sexes? Certainly, my training as an artist played a role. I earn my living "thinking" - developing novel solutions to complex problems. Thus, I tend to immediately deliberate " three-dimensionally". I instantly perceived "trans-gender" - as meaning one could easily "cross over" - and subsequently return to the point of origin. I also perceived it meant I could cross up, down, sideways, quickly, slowly...name it! 

Sure made "a mountain" out of a molehill, didn't I? I warned you I have trouble with "simple" concepts.

i am not superior to others

I'll confess a secret. I used to give this "not superior" concept - only " token" lip service. I can't say I thought I was "better" than others - but I did feel more enlightened than most. Leave it to a first time cross dresser to forever alter my outlook on this perceived "superiority".

It was over the Christmas holidays of 1998. It was her first time "out in public". I promised to assist in making this big adventure more comfortable. Ever played that "big sister" role? Ho, hum - right? Wrong!

I was tired and not in the mood for lots of chatter. Thus, thus I did more " listening" than talking. With a first-timer, this usually involves hearing a lot of the "same old stories" about early stage explorations - and coming to "grips" with her. This person was different. In fact, of the hundreds of gals I've been fortunate enough to meet over the years - I've never encountered anyone - with a more thorough grasp - and more importantly - a more in depth "understanding" of transgenderism. 

This was a powerful lesson - for me. Like some, I was under the delusion that just because I'd been dressing and presenting myself as a woman for a lot of years - I " knew" and understood more about transgenderism than any new "little" sister. 

What I failed to appreciate is that being "T" is not a "learned skill" - like applying make up - even "living" as a woman. Rather, it's a "sense" of self. And since each of us tends to recognize this unique trait early in our lives - we all "live" with it - for a very long time. Thus, just because a person has not thoroughly "explored" it physically - does not mean - they've not meticulously "evaluated it" emotionally. 

I reflected upon what I "learned" following this meeting and concluded the following. Whereas I had spent a respectable portion of my life contemplating gender issues, I'd also been distracted by the grueling process of developing "her" physically - a rather involved project. This new person, focused "all" that same energy on "understanding" her - and was only now ready to bring "her" out to the world. Thus, she was further than I - in comprehending herself emotionally.

I think a lot of us are guilty of assuming we "know" more than another sister. Particularly, we tend to feel this way if we've been doing "this" longer than our counterparts. We "forget" some people are more enlightened than others, some can express themselves in a preferred manner - and still others have more thoroughly researched - an subsequently contemplated - these issues.

Most new gals have not painstakingly examined or explored such matters. But I shall forever "assume" they might have - until they prove otherwise. I seek answers in my life - not accolades. And that brisk December night when divine providence kept my “big mouth” shut - I received many. 

"Thanks, Miss Sandra" - for both this lesson in living - and your insights.

i choose to be happy

Unlike some of my sisters - I'm no "committed" to ever becoming a female. Why? I'm certain I could take some "test" - which would illuminate the latest psychological wisdom for my motivations. However, I don't feel I need to - I already know. I choose to be both "male and female" - and focus my attentions on the "art of living" - my life. I believe if I " chose" otherwise - it would conditionalize my happiness.

Conditionalize my happiness? Let me explain. Every person in the world - transgendered or otherwise - can conjure up "conditions" for their own happiness. For many, happiness is conditionalized by the acquisition of a certain amount of money - or possessions. For others, happiness is conditionalized by love - or certain relationships with peers. 

All too often I witness people conditionalizing their self-image. Common evolution of many transgenders includes a constant process of conditionalizing "T - happiness". Many will say - "If I can get to where I can pass as a female - then I'll be where I want to be". "If I can add breasts - or be accepted as a woman in my occupation - I'll be happy". 

I believe dual sexuality "acceptance" is important to a more happily transgendered person. Why? Simple. The problem with the process of forever attempting " to become" a female - is that one continues to traverse in a never-ending tunnel of "conditionalized" love - and acceptance of self. The very essence of "transition" - creates a self-fulfilling need to forever drive "towards" womanhood. 

Do you see the course for unhappiness some of us often set in place? We are choosing to be unhappy until we attain a new set of conditions for our happiness. Happiness - is not a condition. It’s a decision. And I choose to be happy!

If you will always "picture yourself" as a living artist - you will find an advantage in maintaining happiness without conditions. Why? Simply ask yourself what any artist would do if they spotted an area of their canvas they didn't like. They'd simply paint over it - of course. Don't be afraid to apply a fresh coat of happiness to your life. It's your decision to be happy – or not.

i love myself 

I must admit - I've got this "feature" down better than many. I really do love myself. Granted, I started in a better situation than most. I had a mother who loved me without conditions. Thus, I wasn't handicapped with feelings of inadequacy and a need to seek others to fulfill missing portions in my life. 

I also embraced my transgenderism at a fairly early age. Other than a handful of tumultuous teenage years - I never felt too guilty about possessing both sexes within my persona. It took time to learn to share my body as a means of self expression and attain equilibrium in this regard - but all in all - I've had good. I have my loved ones to thanks for this inner peace. I've never felt "unloved" a single day of my existence.

For centuries, man has searched for an inherent purpose for living. This elusive secret to love and happiness remains a focal point of countless books, conversations and studies. We have the answer. It's the recognition that - there is "no secret" - only life. Thus, “the secret” to love and happiness is living.

Once you embrace this basic truism, you are able to embark on the more fun process - of managing your evolving lists of needs and wants. The challenge simply becomes balancing this equilibrium - and keeping parallel to mother earth. 

i like myself 

As strange as it sounds, I find "liking" myself more challenging than loving myself. Why? I suppose it's because I more easily recognize "liking" something - is a choice. Whereas, I don't always get to choose elements which muster love in my heart. 

I find “liking” myself is a function of recognizing those attributes about “me” - that are extra special. It also includes discounting those features, which are less than outstanding. I feel it is in this latter department that many transgenders have difficulty. Why? For one, there seems to exist an incessant contest of martyrdom between some sisters. Have you ever witnessed two "experienced" transsexuals bantering in a challenge match of one-upmanship regarding "who hoed the tougher row" - in getting where they are today? Quite frankly, it reminds me more of elderly men sharing fishing stories - than it does of women sharing life experiences. Unfortunately, I've been guilty of this as well.

A dear friend provided "a tool" I find valuable in cleansing prior "issues". Each year, over the Christmas holidays, I reflect upon mistakes, hurts, sorrows - and those real nightmares - I've encountered during the past twelve months. I record each event on a singular slip of paper. On New Years Day, I build a bon fire in my back yard. One by one - I read each slip of paper aloud - and announce that it occurred in the prior year - and is no longer part of my life presently. I subsequently toss the slip into the raging flames- and say goodbye to that "problem"

This process is a bit dramatic but I find it effective in "deciding" to let go of problems from my past. Liking yourself - is "a decision" - you make. It involves choosing to exalt those features that are excellent. And it includes releasing those mishaps which hinder your positive self-image. 

It's really fun to explore areas about yourself that you like. I like that process - and I like myself.

i am gifted 

Many of us give " lip service" to the concept of transsexuals being " the best of both worlds". However, I believe this statement.

You will commonly find people who announce themselves as " gender gifted", only to subsequently "mumble" a canned series of explanations regarding their gift. Most gifted people - regardless of gender - feel no need to “explain” their gift to others. They simply use the gift - for enhanced self expression - just as God intended.

I believe transsexualism " is" a gift. However, I feel many of my sisters don't accept it - instead focusing on ridding themselves of half of " the present". Namely, they seek to dispose of their " male" side.  

It's understandable. Some spent a majority of their lives feeling guilty about "her" very existence. It's only natural " she" would seek a degree of retribution from "him" - by taking the forefront of future living activities. Others find it more "pleasurable" to be a woman. Optimizing this "pleasure" sometimes means getting rid of "him" - permanently. I believe this "exchange" is acceptable - but unnecessarily costly.

My favorite "gift" from my transgendered nature is how it leapfrogged an understanding - and appreciation – of intimacy. Few men even grasp the concept of intimacy - let alone enjoy its warmth. For all they’re bantering - I've found few women comprehend this radiance either.

As a transgender, you possess " a secret". And simply stated - secrets - are the backbone of intimacy.  Secrets require that you share them with others. Sharing an important "part" of you - is what intimacy is all about.

I shall forever appreciate my transgenderism for the gift of intimacy it afforded in my life.

i am not responsible for the happiness of others

It was challenging for me to both love - and like - all of me. I can't assume this responsibility for another. It would be like trying to drive a car - from the passenger's seat - with another person at the wheel. I can offer directions - but not control. 

I consider caring and affection to be a free exchange between like-minded parties. I consider my time - to be much like "currency". I've found most the people who wish to " take" my time - do so because they have so poorly managed their own. 

Early in my life as an artist - I was considered an insightful leader. However, I observed that leadership - involved "jumping in front of the mob" - in an attempt to "take credit" for guiding it - where it is was already headed.  Thus, I believe most "recognized" leaders - are in reality - simply " managers" of people traveling in a certain direction.

I am not an adept " manager" of people. I hear a different drummer. And I find keeping others in tune to my "beat" an exhausting process. Thus, I choose not to "lead" others. If certain people find tools from my life example - I think that's great. I enjoy helping other people. Helping others - is a function of my equation for happiness - but it's not a condition for my bliss. 

Of course "children" - are the exception to this rule. They need - and require - our unconditionalized love and affections. We have many children in the transgender community. I've witnessed elders of our unique world creating conditions for the happiness of these infants. 

I consider it dangerous to force feed age old axioms upon younger gals. These children represent our future. They will need to develop fresh ideas to further our cause in the decades ahead.

I believe children are individuals. They require parenting in matters of caution. They require leadership in matters of happiness. They require love and acceptance without conditions. I feel most effective parenting occurs from example.

Thus, I believe living the life - of a living artist - is perhaps the greatest gift I can provide any child.

i take no guilt in sexual pleasure

I once got "trapped" into presenting an "asexual" persona. Why? Because I faced seemingly endless battles "convincing" the general public - as well as loved ones - that my alternative gender expression was really about "sexuality" - not sex. I discovered others felt similar frustration. This trained "way of thinking" created two less than ideal outcomes. 

First, it produced guilt regarding my sexual desires and pleasures - rivaling the early days of religious persecution vis-à-vis "pleasures of the flesh". Second, it fostered prejudice amongst sisters putting a face of “sex” on transsexualism - and those who did not. Want some irony? Guess how many of those who felt shame and prejudice  - found sexual pleasure while privately viewing graphic of these other gals? I’m betting it’s not a small percentage.

I shall forever be thankful for Ray Blanchard's studies regarding transgender sexual motivations. Quite frankly, they made an honest woman out of me. (Dr. Ray Blanchard, 1985 - 1993  “Study of Autogynephilia” Clark Institute of Psychology, Toronto, Canada)

Why is it so difficult for us to accept that "sexual fulfillment" plays a key role in our desire to manifest "her"? It shouldn't come as a surprise. Men are greatly motivated by sexual pleasure. Women are inflamed by sexual desires. Would there be any reason to believe a transsexual would be devoid of such motivations - when their very being - is made up of both of these "fulfillment oriented" genders? I think not.

I got trapped into convincing my conscious mind that sex - was not what transgenderism is all about. I've found I was right - and wrong - at the same time. Transgenderism is not all about sex. However, as with any human being - sexual fulfillment plays a key role in one's happiness.

Sexual fulfillment is a part of my transgenderism - just as transgenderism is a part of my sexual fulfillment. As with any great painting, it's the combination of all elements - that brings out prominence. 

i am human

Didn't I cover this "little issue" previously? Yes, I did - sort of. I mentioned I was a human being - but I consider that "different" from being human. Being human - means I'm not perfect. And it is this "trait" - of which I most thankful. 

"Trying" to be perfect has caused much anguish in my life. It has caused me to "put off" completing projects. It has caused me to fail to enjoy " the wonderment" of growing older. Being human - is about not being perfect. It's about living. I am human - and thankful for being so.

i am a living artist

I am not just an artist - I'm a "living" one. It might sound silly to some to state this final attribute with conviction - but it's pretty important to a living artist. Don't you agree? It serves as a reminder that I should relish each day of my existence - for there shall come a morning when I won't wake amongst the other living artists.

I’m a great admirer of Van Gough. His brush work in Starry Night will forever enthrall my soul. I doubt he was transsexual - as many artists are now perceived. Can you imagine any “gal at heart” cutting off an ear and ruining all those perfectly matched earrings? Me either.

We are all artists. Perhaps none of us will rival Van Gogh's artistic fame upon our deaths. Once we're dead - we'll have little reason to worry about it. You see Van Gough is a "great" dead artist. I am a "living artist" - and living - is my art!

It's yours too. So don't miss out - on your art - of living.

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