Renee Reyes On-Line Journal - Random Ramblings

on-line journal

"Random Ramblings"

organized disorganization

Ever get those thoughts that are just "all over the map"? Me too. What's "wrong" with us? *Laugh*

Here you'll find my "silly" and serious - views - on just about "anything..."

over the hill & through the dale... 10-19-04

Figured I'd include one final entry...movers are scheduled first thing Friday morning. Not sure when I'll get my CPU & internet connection reestablished. Thus, not sure when I'll update this site again. Obviously - not sure about much of anything, huh?. Feel scattered by this move back to Atlanta. The good news? I'm not planning on killing myself in the foreseeable future which wasn't the case when I first came in Nashville in May, 2003. Guess I should embrace improvements where I can. Pay no attention to me - I'm in a strange mood...((hugs))

Worthwhile updates?

Red & I had an absolute blast celebrating her 40th birthday in New Orleans last weekend. What did we do? Let's see...we ate, we drank, we ate, we toured, we ate, we shopped, we ate, we chased ghosts and to top it all off - we ate some more. That food - it's simply awesome. My scales laughed aloud when I returned home. That did it - I'm starving till Christmas.

Red & I have such fun together - regardless of where we are or what we're doing. We laugh, we cry, we pray - as we sort my mid-life puberty & her 40-year-old crisis. If none of that works - we bitch - most oft at one another. Together - we find solace in love without the typical competition of genetic gals. It's cool & I'm very very thankful for our association.

Let's see...memorable moments from our trip? None of you would be surprised by me earning beads on Bourbon street, duh! However, my bout with the ghosts was kinda unique. On Friday - Red & I rented a convertible & drove up to St Francisville, LA for an overnight stay at the Myrtles Plantation - supposedly America's most haunted house. Our accommodation was the exact room Oprah Winfrey stayed in a few years back (and she left in the middle of the night). Also, this particular room is purportedly frequented by a civil war era soldier notorious for touching feet.

Red's totally into spooks. It's her thing & the only reason we'd pay $200 a night to share a bed smaller than either of us would need alone...and a mattress that could provide a chiropractor with a comfy retirement. After all that...did yours truly score a foot massage at the witching hour from Corporal Casper? Hell, no - didn't even get my ass fondled. Best I can figure? The little fag wimped out over concern of what he might find if his hand traveled much further. *Laugh* You know those military types - can you say "latent"? *Grin*

Anyway...we had a blast. Thanks Red...and Happy 40th! **kiss**

Ciao!

end of an era - 09-24-04

Guess what? I'm headed back to Atlanta the end of October.

I arrived in Nashville, TN during the spring of 2003. I'd already "left" Atlanta right after New Years - filling the interim with sorting & packing my life - making sense of where I was going. That's approaching two years of time. Wow - I wonder..."where'd all that time go"?

I left Atlanta emotionally disturbed - even broken. Was I suicidal? Yeah, that too. Not sure I'll ever be a poster child for mental health, pretty screwed up. Still - I'm better. A reason for this cut-above is a renewed sense of family. Before - I was obsessed with deaths of loved ones. I'll always mourn their passing - remain frustrated by certain unresolved issues. However, I'm becoming more focused upon the living. It's hard to embrace the concept of family after you eclipse a certain age without a child in your life. The one that came into my life, changed mine - and I'm forever thankful for her presence.

I'm more spiritual - praying each AM & usually again at night. I'm more physically sound. I arrived chain-smoking about four packs each day. I'm now smoke-free & fairly religious about my exercise & yoga. Before, my transition was a mess - hindered by a self serving vision of becoming some sort of super-tranny. Learned - transition's not a project - it's a journey - and a very damn long one at that. There's no serenity in self service.

On a bad note - as a place I might live forever, Nashville's not ideal. Atlanta, Miami...cities like that - they're gathering spots for "the nation". When you ask someone in Atlanta "where they're from"? You invariably hear about another state...or distant part of the world.

New York? It's a world gathering spot. Make sense?

Nashville & similarly-sized municipalities are population centers for nearby towns & communities. A big difference between a national gathering spot & a regional one - is open-mindedness. Diversity of views are not easily fostered without diversity of population. This - was one aspect I didn't enjoy about Nashville. It's not so much it's not gender friendly - it's much deeper. Nashville isn't responsive to anyone "different". There's noticeably few minorities & it's one of those cities managed predominantly by right wing white Anglo-Saxon Christian males..."ugh".

Also, Nashville was not nice to my career or finances. No issue is more important to my upcoming move than getting this aspect back on track. I'm moving in with my dear old friend "Darleen". I'm not gonna' empty storage units or attempt to fully reassemble my life. I'm just going to take this next step. "2005" - a year where I'll live in Atlanta & focus upon rebuilding a livelihood & wrap up aspects of my gender transition. After that? I'll worry about the future - when it gets here. Don't know why - but I'm nervous about this move. Lived in Atlanta fifteen years - and I'm feeling intimidated. Go figure.

I'm a better person because of my time in Nashville. I arrived here as a man. I leave - as a woman. I lost my oldest friend (Rob Puckett) to a senseless murder - and I gained one of the most intimate bonds of my life (Red) by a twist of fate. I came here beaten - yet arrogant. I leave humbled - yet courageous.

My roommate once told me that he felt I never actually moved to Nashville. Rather, I simply left Atlanta. A very insightful observation, John. Now - it doesn't feel like I'm leaving here. More like...I'm just going home.

Thanks Johnny - you saved my life.

Ciao!

labors of love - 09-01-04

Labor day weekend? Caught me off guard - only just realized its arrival. That extra time is like found money - not sure what I'll do with it. Spend it wisely? Yeah - whatever. Probably finish organizing for my ebay sale. Selling a ton of old stuff. If you're in a shopping mode - please check my items. I'll add a link to my ebay sales next Friday.

Got my nails done yesterday - few things are more fulfilling - for such a reasonable sum of cash. Lots of gals on a budget pay for pedicures - do their nails themselves. You know me - I live to be difficult. My feet remain my own but the nails? They belong to "Marcie". Gotta admit I miss wearing an impractical length. Tried it - loved it. If I didn't have to type / work as I do - I'd maintain really long ones...subsequently sit around marking my turf with varying degrees of scratches. Meow!

Speaking of scratching things..."Ringo" (my cat) got declawed last week. Talk about pitiful...my poor baby. He's been walking around acting like a guy who accidentally received a sex change & now seems uncertain about life, himself and his masculinity. Know what? A cat's claws - seem a bit like men's penises...so much defined - by so little. I told him to just get over himself - but he's not amused.

Prepping for my first legitimate vacation in years. Going to Hawaii with Red in mid-October. A dual celebration...it's her 40th birthday and my...my...it's my job to go & make certain Red steers clear of any trouble. Yep - that's what it is. *Grin* Excited - need this break. Our agenda is planned right down to the last minute: a few days in Honolulu, a handful of nights in Maui plus flirting on sand covered beaches littered with tanned muscular male bodies - beyond that - we'll have to fit in what we can. *Laugh* Leaving the weekend after SCC so...not sure I'll find time to visit there as hoped. Perhaps I can stop by Atlanta that Saturday night - see a few old friends.

Gotta' git...stay sweet!

sex, drugs & rock 'n roll...aka, life in general - 08-04-04

Let's face it - public journaling is becoming a thing of my past.

Why's that?

First, begun work in earnest on a new & improved version of reneereyes.com. Adding sections on obscure subjects that matter to me plus a much larger Admirer's Handbook & a detailed new section on my experience with transition. Even harder - trying to merge my life (publicly) between past-present & future. See....I just adore over-complicating relatively simple tasks. This - is no exception. It's all part of my self importance & validation procedure. Please bear with my lunacy you'll come to understand it's part of my charm. When's the big date fir uploading all this new content? Can't promise - still a bit haggard when it comes to deadlines. My life went so far out of bounds - lost my ability to forecast.

Another reason I quit journaling? Just don't feel the same need to be heard. Also, becoming increasingly more concerned with my privacy. Thus, public journaling is not a need I feel compelled to justify. Make sense? Whatever...since when did I need to make sense in order to justify anything?

What's new? Hmmmm...of note...

Red's 10-year-old daughter continues to play a massive role in shaping my improved attitude. Leave it to a child to teach life's most important lessons, huh? She's exceptionally skilled at reminding me of unimportant details. To an obsessive compulsive convinced a routine or list is the most important gadget on the planet - that's a killer lesson. She also raises my standards...for myself - and my actions. Her birthday's this weekend. Yeah - she's a Leo and a total drama queen. Doing a host a fun things culminated by a day at the water park with her best friend plus her dad, me & Red. I'm excited for her & continually honored her parent's allow me to be a minor role in her growing life. It's changed mine.

Remain focused on accomplishing goals but generally speaking seem less concerned about when I'll achieve certain aims. More interested in what I actually accomplish. Still get juvenile about delays to certain timetables but suppose I'll forever be haunted by my childish anger. Some call that passion? Sounds like poetic justification for immaturity but I'll take poems & flowers over logic on any day. *Smile*

The dating life's getting better, relatively speaking. Let's first recall my previous lepton-sized activity. Met a cool guy - having to remain very patient with the issue of distance. Let's face it - was it likely I was gonna meet someone special in the nation's country music capital? I don't think so...there's not even a Neiman's here for God's sake. Know what makes this union seem spectacular? How very much alike we are - at the core. I think that's major - don't you? How we're raised...our values - even many insecurities brought about by surviving major & minor trauma's...when they match - it's amazing how well you can do with another.

Transition remains an evolution...to put it kindly. Renee's miscalculations make Robinson Caruso's course look valid. A recent lesson learned? Successfully completing transition isn't about completing lists but rather - rebuilding a life. Got that part totally wrong in my pre-transition planning. Physical, spiritual, rituals, careers, associations, friendships, family, love - name it - they all get nuked into rearrangement. Physical evolution takes years to finalize, period. I'm sure they'll come a day when I'll just say "well - that's it" - but I'm not there yet. Know what I'm proudest of? Quitting smoking cigarettes. Smoked 3-4 packs a day for over 20 years - was totally addicted & beat it as part of my requirement to successfully transition. Once I did that...knew I could do anything. Only frustrating reminder is damage to my facial skin that even a ton of cosmetic surgery couldn't hide. Certainly much better than before - but I'll never get to relish that feminine youthful glow - and I only have myself to blame. Pity me...pity me...God, why do I always focus on what isn't?

In summary - healthiest I've been in a long time. Now mediate & pray each day. Forever underestimated the importance of spiritual health as I used to weigh habits by their impact upon qualitative results. Thus, qualitative aspects suffered. And people once said I was intelligent...not.

We'll catch up again in about another month...plus? Sorry, nature of the beast...and this beast-ist. *Smile*

Hope ya'll are all doing well...

XXXOOO,

note in a bottle - 06-21-04

Been forever since I journaled here - sorry 'bout that. ((hugs))

My entries will remain sporadic - nature of increased intensity. Not sure I'll do much additional in-depth public journaling. Burnt out by drama surrounding my life. Realized - most of the Oscar-caliber performances originated from yours truly. Thus, retiring that aspect of my existence.

Beginning to focus upon writing new, helpful content for this web page. What's it been - three years+ since I added new sections? Whatever...

My life's improving. Granted, progress occurs slowly - but I embrace that reality. A key aspect? Consistently trending upwards. In view of my downward spiral since 2000 - feels heavenly. Treating it tenderly - like a snowflake. Afraid if I hold my tongue incorrectly - could vanish. If I learned anything these past few years it's to appreciate happiness today from objects situated in front of me.

No longer as weighted down by guilt from my barrage of poor judgment & mistakes - just trying to move on. Forever more fragile than before. Is this because I'm disfigured from life & living - or more aware of how incredibly precious life, is? Not sure. Feel less courageous than my past yet I'm not convinced I was ever gutsy. More like recklessness disguised as bravery.

My primary focus? Get a life, back. Embrace it won't be much like before transition. That's cool. Not reaching back...moving forward. Made a mistake attempting the former. Big mistake.

Will forever battle my obsessive compulsive behavior. Sometimes...lose a half a day (or more) before I realize I'm doing the same thing...over & over. Drives me nuts - trying to improve. Steer clear of complex projects. One remains, after that - never again. Seems the natural barrier enjoyed by normal folks between conscious & subconscious thought eroded in my cranium - to coral reef proportions. Thus, if I fixate upon a complex issue - can lose touch between what's real...what's only theory. Greatest danger? Can get totally lost in my own steam of consciousness - might eventually never be able to subsequently distinguish one dementia from another. Can't believe I actually invested years creating this grooved path. Dumb, dumb...dumb. Why did I care about accessing some fourth dimension? Not a clue what I was actually trying to achieve. Whatever...

Let's see...what else?

The birthday came & went. Hitting the mid-40's...anybody got a barf bag? Drove to the Biltmore in Asheville, NC with Red. Had a blast - as much as anything - was exhilarating just to hit the open road with a dear friend. The estate was cool - trying to deduce who I gotta do - to achieve her master bedroom...that ebonized breakfast table at the foot of her bed was mesmerizing. Likewise, fulfilled my visual fetish with the Louis XVI guest bedroom. A lot of other areas just seemed like a study in bigness, versus class. Nature of those times - or has nothing changed?

Need to run. Keep the faith...

making friends with mr. alone 05/04/04

Series of events - won't bother with details - had me staring again...directly into my reality - I'm alone.

Granted, I'm not lonely. Blessed with outstanding friends & co-hearts. Yet, there's always minor conditions on these special relationships. Why? Because I'm different. Every bond includes a clause for my exclusion or limitation. Understand & embrace these constraints but that doesn't mean I have to like them. Thus, when events cause me to feel isolated - I get a visit from "Mr. Lonely"...and all those minor conditions become magnified by the lonely prisms of my heart.

All alone...that hurts - like a mother******.

For years - carried a burden for being out of the ordinary. Believed I owed a debt to anyone committed to me because I was atypical. Paid a ton of interest on principal balances that could never be diminished. Why? Because I was still alone. Make sense? Whatever...

Anyway...some good news? Every time before when I faced Mr. Alone - crashed into a horrid place. I'd often long to reunite with a past where I wasn't solitary. That vision usually included my death. What is a life that seeks solace in death? A living death...for a lonely life - not a very good place to be. Duh!

This time - didn't do that. Embraced my circumstances as a part of my evolution.

I'm responsible for the fact I'm alone. I'm responsible for changing that in a healthy manner. Been hiding behind myself. Trying to muster more courage.

Need to go to bed. Bad weather & missed connections had me stuck in Ft Lauderdale's airport all day. Got home late - without my luggage. Wired...not able to sleep.

Being alone. It's not the end of the world.

Ciao!

a tribute to a friendship - 04-20-04

Lost my oldest & dearest friend - Rob Puckett.

Rob & I grew up only two houses apart in Owensboro, KY. Much of my childhood was defined from our interaction. From adolescence, we evolved to riding to school together every single day until graduating. Our parallel lives made us synonymous but our differences made us surpass. We pushed one another's boundaries - oft arguing for days over fortified positions of individuality. I'm a much better person because I shared my life with this unique individual - and I'm thankful.

Didn't attend his memorial - knew my presence would be distracting. Let's face it - I'm a little different and Owensboro isn't exactly a model market for diversity. Chose to privately commemorate his life with recollections of our life together.

A few favorite memories?

The first day we met, the torture & public hanging of those naked Barbie dolls, our non-existent yet highly exclusive childhood club & those ridiculous rites of passage endured by other kids to earn membership, the nightly survey of motherly menu's to determine the evening's best place to chow, the babysitter that taught us about sex with girls, the fight on Longfellow hill, lifting weights, the erotic Latin translation of Hannibal that nearly got us expelled, getting busted for smoking pot & subsequently being harassed for a decade by Wanda Iracane, the ongoing saga of The Killer Christmas Trees, starting our first business together, fishing in St Petersburg, and of course...laughingly recalling all those "why I did certain things" from childhood after he learned of my transsexualism...like why I was waaaayyyy too into my role as a powder puff cheerleader at age fourteen - and finally, every single time...we reconciled after another meaningless disagreement.

Perhaps most challenging is the demise of shared memories. Sadly, much of the detailed recollections of my childhood were shared by few. With my immediate family having already passed - losing Rob is particularly sorrowful.

A dear friend once told me "Our grieving is never over - until we discover meaning in our grief". I'll never discover meaning in Rob's death - it was senseless. Rather, I'm thinking Rob's meaning was in his life - and how he lived it.

I miss him now. I'll miss him forever.

"Seeya soon...Amoeba".

Hugs,

Reemus

"community" involvement - 4-15-04

The gender "community" - what is it?

A hodgepodge of associations, support groups, conventions, web sites and of course - friendships. A haven for early growth - a safe place to explore & sort through this issue. A basis for activism by individuals driven to effect legislation & attitudes - improving matters for all transgenders. A mecca of old & new - solid yet fluid - an evolving spirit of gender principals, processes & ideas. It exists as never before - no person facing gender identity issues is without opportunity for sharing - in the 21st century.

Been sorting my future role in this collectivity. Lost interest in direct involvement, don't fit in - find extensive personal contact draining. Wonder if others share my fate - no longer feel a part of "gatherings". Lost my taste for the bar scene albeit I miss intense dancing. Realize every time I enter a transgender chat room - going backwards. Even lost my debutante desires. Yeah, I'll confess - I couldn't wait to eventually "show out" my improving femininity. Realized, that - would be an ugly gesture.

Kinda' weird. A part of something you're no longer a part of...reminds me of post collegiate days - stopping by a fraternity house where everything was the same, except me. Part of what's happening is I'm awakening to the idea of wanting my life back. Better stated? Many of my old activities less the intense focus on transgenderism. The challenging part? Successful reentry into life's atmospheres. Feel like Apollo 13...an exciting launch, a mission gone haywire, a challenged return to earth. Miss my trajectory? Bounce off the atmospheres into oblivion. A bit dramatic, huh? Whatever...let's get back to basics.

Working future plans - for only the second time (to the 10th power) Compelled to remain involved in the gender community. What do I do?

Decided...

My Web Site

Discovered I can assist lots of people from a web presence & to that end I've dedicated countless hours.

The weird part? The last couple of years? These activities weren't unfulfilling. Deduced why. Realized - my disenchantment is rooted in the lack of connectivity between my web presence & real life. Got to a point I had three people in my singular life - my earlier years, the persona you know as "Renee Reyes" plus my post transitional life. Was disheartening - confusing.

Decided to revamp my web presence to resolve this imbalance. It's a big project - including a re-write of dated content, adding new sections...including a comprehensive written & photographic study of my experience with transition, and finally completing all those "coming soon" sections. It's getting there. Likewise, I'm redefining my mission statement for these efforts - my higher purpose - if you will.

Will launch this new web presence coincidentally with the publication of my two new books. Including new photos, of course. It'll rock.

My Magic Show

Can't seem to let go of my DRAG-magic act. I'm a ham - sue me.

The problem? It's bulky, expensive & time consuming. Decided it's best dedicated to a charitable focus. That helps me fulfill a desire, helps others in need - and puts a positive face on transgenderism. Can't touch it until I get moved & settled, though. Just too cumbersome. Still - it'll be a stalwart of my future.

My Life

Importantly, I believe I can help the community by accomplishing my personal & business goals in a classy manner. Must admit - endured a bit of martyrdom regarding my career activities - felt compelled to be become little miss "Neo" of transsexual entrepreneuring in some bizarre Matrix of my mind. God, I get so weird at times. Now, I'm just dedicated to doing the best I can - and living my life in a fulfilling manner.

Something for you, something for them, something for me. Sounds fun. Sounds healthy.

I like it.

Ciao!

defining "friendship" 04/08/04

Interesting revelation...gained a better understanding of "friendship" - and how it evolves through this process.

"Observations?"

In a pre-transition lifestyle - friendships are oft kept separately. Why? We're living with a secret - and such a hidden issue is more easily enjoyed with others of a similar fate Thus, you need your gender friends.

"So what's the paradox?"

Your "regular" friends are perhaps unaware or don't fully comprehend your gender issues & these newer more selective associations in the gender community don't really know you. Enough years pass - you can begin to feel as though you have no real friends.

"What did I do in this situation?"

I made mistakes - began to classify many lifelong associations into lost causes as we both struggled with my gender issues. Finally got to a point where I became highly insular. Figured..."If these two aren't getting it - the whole lot's probably in the same boat." That - was prejudiced. In fairness to me, I was fragile - even childlike. It was brutal to endure the evolution of redefining & understanding all this new data. At points - I became exhausted, gave up. I was mistaken. These unique individuals had been through my life with me - up's & downs, successes & failures - even loss of loved ones - the stuff that intimate bonds are built upon. I'm now beginning to comprehend they're still my best friends - as they always were. I'm embarrassed for how I treated them during this evolution. If you're one of these people please - believe me when I say...I'm very sorry.

I made mistakes - began to view lots of newfound associations from the gender community as good friends. Reality? I'd only shared brief amounts of time with most these people. While a few hold promise for intimate bonds - nearly all are minor associations akin to the hobbyist - friendships based upon a shared interest. Granted, they seem like more because the subject is dear to your soul. In fact, it can feel as though these individuals know you - as no other. If & when you're gender issues are no longer "hidden" in any manner - these associations begin to lose their original vitality. They're forced to endure the test of real friendship - a rare occurrence. Endearing friendships take lots of common ground plus time & energy to develop. Sadly, the gender community is chocked full of some pretty unhealthy people - emotionally speaking. The irony? I never noticed - I was likewise anemic. Many pages in this journal are a testament to that fact.

The good news? I'm getting healthier - and this makes me better appreciate true friends. Many post-transition individuals lose connection with prior intimate associations - some, for good reason. I'm blessed with a number of loving, long-term friendships. Likewise, I made a small handful of dear friends in the gender community. Given my family health history - I've got perhaps three hundred months of life remaining. I intend to spend as much of that time as I can...with the people I love.

days in my life - 04-04-04

Sorry - for the long time between entries. Been so long, don't know where to start. Began a few entries - never finished them. More for my personal palette than public consumption. Know ya'll detest when I edit my thoughts & feelings but it's sometimes better to remain quiet & only appear insane that open your mouth and remove all doubt.

Trivial insights?

My life keeps changing - but I don't. Make sense? For instance - my goals are now different, but I'm not. My physical appearance is altering, but I'm still the same. Thus, my challenge is learning to live with all that's varied in a world that oft seems identical - to me. One interesting note - my needs are greater while my wants, are less. Weird, huh? Not sure what brought on that phenomenon but I've witnessed its truth.

What am I up to?

Trying to get all my writing projects completed. Recently discovered a unique methodology within MS Word that bodes well with my creative style. It's the little things that make life better, ya know?. Still spending lots of time with Red - and her daughter. The younger & I do exceptionally well. The kid's only ten-years-old yet she already lives for the Style channel. Since haute couture doesn't exactly ring Red's bell - her daughter and I usually break off for French studies. Also, we're the only ones in the clan that relishes Chinese food - that's our gig, as well.

What else?

Finally got a mix of medications that work. That helps. Nothing worse than drug-induced depression. Feeling better - like awakening from a year-long slumber. It's underrated...

On a positive note?

Finally...met the love of my life. He's red-headed...a total stud - so very much my type. My bestest girlfriend "Red" and her lovely daughter introduced us. Oh sure, we began our union with that prototypical coy & cagey behavior most recognizant of beginning affections but we'll both now confess - ours, was love at first sight. The best parts? No longer sleeping alone...have someone to warm my cold nights & provide those empowering AM affections. Feel blessed. Still - considering the fact he - is an exotic Persian kitty cat - I'm figuring I'll eventually...do better. Could do much worse, ya know? His name is Ringo...or "Johnny 'Ringo' Valentine". Sounds like a pimp, huh? *Laugh* Well - consider the source, sweetie.

That's about it. More to follow soon.

the quest for forgiveness 2/21/04

Why is it that I only seem to journal when I'm a bit down? Not sure...

Was beat - long week. Crashed before 8:00PM, arose again around midnight - figured I'd enjoy some obsessive compulsive organizing rituals. TV was on - couple of movies back-to-back..."Dead Man Walking" followed by "Girl Interrupted". Gotta be honest - that was the wrong tandem of flicks for moi. Dredged up a cesspool of toxic thinking I carefully dance around to survive.

Try hard not to go "here" - but it's here...that I am. Know what's extra hard? Forgiving myself for all my sins.

I've actually been on a decent run - productive, even optimistic. Reality? I've simply been focused on regaining terrain I've already paid for...for about the 100th time of my illustrious human career. If there's ever an award for the person that most oft repeats the exact same mistakes - I'm a lock.

Forgiveness - what a word. Sounds simple - seems impossible. Why did I let my sister die? I was the only one that knew she was going to take her own life - the only one that knew why. Where was my courage when she needed it most? How do I forgive myself for not transitioning twenty years ago when I was first diagnosed with transsexuality? A life in between of chaos, failures - hurt, caused to others. How do I live with being born gifted & wasting my gifts on idle activities?

I'm thinking my biggest challenge is forgiving myself for not having better loved important people in my life. Why was I selfish - afraid to step up - when it mattered most? And more importantly - why do I continue to do that? A good friend recently shared an insight I enjoyed - "Our grief work is not complete until we have found meaning in our grief". I'm thinking my lesson is to better love "the living". But first - I must forgive myself for my past. Or...do I find my own forgiveness in loving better?

The chicken...or the egg? The egg...or the chicken? Who knows?

But what do you do with the fact that by living...and being yourself - you hurt others? I'm a perfect case study in what might have been. Like to think I'm still in the running for what could be. The most challenging aspect is always the same - "what's the point"?

And the band plays on...

days in my life - 01-27-04

In a pretty good place - mentally, emotionally...even spiritually.

"So what's been happening?"

Let's see...

Stayed busy this past weekend - worked intently Friday night on one of my new books, staying up much later than planned. Paid for that virgule on Saturday - ending up sleeping-in most of the morning. That's something I try hard not to do. Headed off to Ringling Brother's circus Saturday afternoon with my dearest friend ("Red") and her ten-year-old daughter. Hadn't been to the circus since I was a child - had fun. Grabbed some dinner afterwards then crashed at their place. Babysat & socialized on Sunday - wrapped up the day & weekend with a trip to the roller skating rink with Red & her daughter.

Know what's momentous about this past weekend? Simple - it was conventional. While I remain a somewhat abnormal human being - it's nice to again notice a semblance of normal - in my life. Owe most of this to my bestest girlfriend, "Red". She loves me, well. Understanding how badly I needed that. Try hard to return these favors.

Red & I went clubbing the weekend before last - my first night out socially in awhile. Ended up hanging out at a local lesbian bar. Unfortunately, I ended up with an absolutely splitting headache - a migraine. Was it bad Russian Vodka poisoned by Chernobyl or I was exhausted? Not sure - but called it a wrap before midnight.

Won't likely stay in Nashville too much longer. It's nice - but very small. Probably too small for a persona like mine. Enjoying my privacy during this turn of events. But not convinced my devil-may-care approach to life, love, living & business vistas will mesh in such a controlled populace when I turn back up the afterburners. Thus, I won't be unpacking from Atlanta storage anytime soon. Still saddens me to live nomadically, hard on me. One day at a time...

Working intently on my future business projects. Can't say I was very optimistic on this front these past several months - hit some roadblocks. Definitely underestimated my challenges in this arena. The good news is I'm seeing progress. A difference? I no longer try to bull my way past obstacles. Rather, I finesse my way around 'em - then find an alternative subsequent path to get back to the main road. I suppose progress - is progress - as long as I'm still moving forward, huh? Whatever...

My dating life? "Hah" - that's laughable. Still not the most emotionally healthy creature on the planet - feel no reason to spread my confusion to another. Red & her daughter keep me busy on weekends - that helps immensely.

A worthless anecdotal observation? Developed an affinity for dill pickles. God only knows what's causing that. Seriously doubt I need worry over pregnancy short of immaculate conception. Could it be a desire for tart-tasting phallic symbols? *Grin* Nah - but I'll keep ya'll informed if I start gaining weight & you should begin preparing for the arrival of the anti-Christ. *Laugh*

Embraced the snail pace known as my "successful" transition - a brutal round of surgeries in-line for March 1. I'll be so glad when all this is completed. Yet I know - it'll take another couple of years before everything is just right. Totally over worrying too much about it - no longer out to prove anything with my outward physical appearance beyond congruence.

Something kinda' cool? Enthralled with a charity-based use for my DRAG-magic act. Found a way to fit it into my traditional business activities and reap a minor degree of goodwill. Let's face it - it's hard to maintain independent, disassociated projects. They wear 'ya out. Pleased I've found a way to merge these two passions and reap a worthwhile new benefit in that process. Did that make sense? Doubt it - unless the reader also has similarly polar activities pervading their life.

On that note - I bid you adieu.

Ciao!

1-11-04 sunday blues

Cried myself to sleep last night - no clue what that was all about.

"Sundays" - feel like when I was a student & dreading the constant overload of testing, preparation & detailed learning necessary to begin life. Was I the only one that suffered from a hint of mild depression on Sunday night's as a young student? Find myself re-living that trepidation - aggravated, by a more aged mind. Why am I here, now? Why did I wait so long to slay the dragons of my reality? I don't know...

Funny - seem less fearful of my future, more assured of how things will pan out. Still - my apprehension remains vivid in my present. Gut-wrenching at times. What am I afraid of...who I am, really...or who I'm not? Not sure. Changed so much - yet not changed at all. Same human being stares back from my mirror each day - just an altered reflection. Wish I could keep my best traits and lose less desirable aspects during this evolution. Sadly, "me" keeps following me - wherever I go. I'm so close to my reality yet I can't quite touch it. I yearn for a sense of normalcy - knowing it'll never be part of my whole. The paradox known as me continues to evolve. Don't ya hate it when you think too much?

An old acquaintance called this evening - another transsexual. Why is it that every other tranny feels compelled to compare herself to others? Are we convinced we're going to win a blue-ribbon if we somehow prove we're better at any of this than another? Am I the only person noticing this bullshit? Mention a success - they don't want details. Discuss a challenge - they're certain they've already bested that quagmire, know more about it than you...without having ascertained any details. Discuss a hard-sought physical improvement, they know another person that looks much better. Jeez! Are they calling to cheer me up? And people wonder why I pulled out of the gender community. I'm so totally over this crap.

Screw this - getting no place fast.

Need sleep.

Nite, nite!

a do-over life...continued 1/07/04

Was interrupted by an important phone call as I was finishing the above entry - never uploaded it.

Not as bad as I sound. Still mired by the process of facing my new realties.

Absolutely buried in my life at present. Between now & June - got a ton of dragons to slay. Feel ready, emotionally speaking. Tired of sitting on the fence, feeling sorry for myself.

Know what? Learning - it's easier to swipe your arm across life's chess board than continually rearrange the pieces. Starting over...it's a bitch - particularly when you feel like you've done that, about 10,000 times. Sadly, it's necessary. Discovered, everything changes with gender transition. Few tried harder to hang on to elements from their prior life than moi. Just didn't work. Why? Because every association in the world becomes different. Interestingly - some get better - but most get lost or buried in a sorting process from change. The time invested into rediscovering the new status of each prior association & business project is damn intense. I'm only about a third of the way through with sorting out mine, already exhausted. Doubt this is making any sense - whatever...

On a positive note? Developing one of the better friendships in my life - perhaps the coolest female I've encountered on the planet. Never fully comprehended the intimate nature of of having a sister. Now, I do. We share much in common - from the loss of our only sibling and small town values to our sense of loneliness in a crowded world & a search for the best in every person we encounter. Even about the same height & size - that's already fun. Often been accused of never letting people into my life, never trusting, never letting go of my guard. This time, I have and it's nice.

Thanks Ghetto, you're the best. ((hugs))

a do-over life 1/01/04

It's official...my life is a total disaster.

Planned 2004 - called it my "do over" year, in honor of how badly I need to catch up uncompleted projects. Reality? My entire life is a damn "do over". Hurts, to feel that - to know it. Wish I'd been a drug addict - would've been easier to digest a more quantifiable explanation for my quagmires versus simply poor judgment.

This is especially difficult for me. Why? I planned & prepared so very thoroughly. I waited...and waited...and waited - since 1983 to be best suited to transition. In reality - I fucked up. Sadly, part of the problem is based in some outlandish vision of becoming some sort of super-tranny. Felt my life could make a difference for others. Why did I do that? A big ego? Yeah, that probably played a role - when doesn't ego play a role in screwing up well intentioned plans? Part of my challenge is the ridiculous guilt I carry for so poorly utilizing intellectual gifts from God. Know what? Need get over that crap, becoming more aware - I'm not as smart & gifted as I'd like to think.

Try as I may to include certain prior business & social elements from my prior life into my new vistas - I'm understanding - few will make the jump to Mars. Feels like I'm dragging a weighted sled across a desert separating two worlds and I'm getting no place in a big hurry.

An incomplete transition aggravates this dilemma. Stared in the mirror last night. Genuinely considered skinning my face with a razor blade. Hate my face. Sad, huh? I have such a large cranium relative to the rest of my body. Try as I may, can't make it appear highly feminine without monstrous hair.

Know most of my frustration is rooted in my obsessive compulsive behavior. Trying to learn to improve this issue, even laugh at it. Still find myself walking in circles - and I don't even realize I'm doing it.

Key Search Words:

Renee Reyes, Transgender, Transgenderism,

T-Girl, T-Girls, Transsexuals, TS, Transvestite, TV,

CrossDressers, Crossdressing, Atlanta, Georgia