"We're Not in Kansas Anymore"

  no shit dorothy - now lose the mutt!

The first step to building a successful relationship begins before you move a muscle along those golden bricks. It starts in "your head" - and getting into the proper frame of mind.

Are you feeling lonely in the relationship you have - or the one you don't? Do you feel shortchanged by your desire to "dress" - and the conflicts this causes with someone you care about? Welcome to the club, sweetie! 

If you feel you must have someone in your life that will "love you each and every day" - regardless of what you wear, when and how you express your sexuality, or with whom you sleep - your path is the easiest of all. Just get a dog - you can even name it "ToTo" if you like. (Incidentally, I have two wonderful Labrador retrievers). *Grin*

However, if you prefer two legged companions, and are ready to work hard for happiness -  then come join the rest of us on the precarious path I call  "tranz-lations" - the art of living and loving as a t-girl. 

Before we get started down the yellow brick road, I'd suggest you trade in those "ruby slippers" for a comfy pair of hush puppies. We've got a lot of ground to cover. 

gold bricking

Okay folks - time for a couple of quick caveats.

First, I'm including links loaded with "clinical" solutions to matters we'll discuss here. I happen to be a big fan of high quality professional counseling. We take our cars to the experts to repair - why would we leave our souls to an amateur? Not me, honey! 

Renee is a source for "practical advise" - not psychotherapeutic input. I've been screamed at, yelled at, slapped, threatened, cursed - even drugged. I've also laughed and cried alone - and in the arms of loved ones - as I've searched new boundaries within myself and my femininity. My experiences make me an excellent source for real world advice, albeit my expertise lies primarily in "what not to do". 

I'm really one of those "psycho-wenches" you read about: who feels she must try everything at least once - just to confirm any "suspicions" she might have. Surely you know another fool like me. For example: 99.99% of the American public stares at a "red hot" burner on a stove and inherently knows not to touch it. Up walks Renee - curious as to how hot it really is - and my dear friends are once again nursing another battle scar. This "stupidity" is why I rarely wear a "platinum blonde" wig. I refuse to provide my girlfriends with additional ammunition to finally have me committed. *grin*    

Second, my advice is orientated towards girls with no definitive plans of going further with their transgenderism than "part-time femininity". It's not very applicable to gals planning full transition. I have a decent amount of experience and friends in the former category - but little & few in the latter. If you are a certified transsexual, you need far better guidance than "Renee" - so go get it!! ((hugs)) 

It seems unfair. Supposedly, over 80% of us are just " garden variety t-girls" - with no intentions of slicing and dicing anything between our thighs. Granted, a lot of us dream of adding a great set of tits, but that's mostly our feminine egos talking. It's probably a good thing many of us don't have such breast augmentation. If I had a pair of C-cups, I'd likely spend all my days in front of a mirror - touching & admiring them - while my business went straight to hell!  

I feel there is a shortage of "practical" advise regarding making "good ole fashioned" feminine expression and crossdressing workable with the people we love. Don't you agree? I've seen plenty of information on "telling a spouse" - but not nearly enough regarding what to do in the weeks, months, and years that follow. 

A lot of the ideas in these sections are based upon my personal experience. However, I've gotten additional input as well. I want to thank my dear friends that served up their hearts and relived the frustrations they encountered in their quest towards "t-marital" happiness. ((hugs)) 

the road to heaven

Make no mistake, any form of transgender expression will result in some form of change in your relationships with friends and family - and/or - that extra special person (ESP). We can blame many sources for this challenge. We can blame Hollywood for casting t-girls as "serial killers", we can blame comedians for making us the "ass end" of many jokes, and we can even blame our moms and dads (they're always easy targets). However, the fact of the matter is we're the ones wearing the silk. We only have ourselves to "blame" - if we don't find happiness in "the world" we live in.

A big part of living is interacting with friends, family, and loved ones. Some will never really understand our need to express our female side. Understanding our needs is important. However, simply loving and accepting us "the way we are" - is just as optimal a goal. How do we get them to accept it? Contrary to how you might be feeling right now, improving relations with those dear to you has far more to do with you - and your attitude - than it does with them. 

Your first challenge is to recognize this isn't all about "you" - and "they" are not being selfish to think first - about how this will affect "them". For example: If you watch the news tonight and discover that war has broken out in "Tranzmania" - it might mean very little to you. However, if you have family visiting Tranzmania - you will likely have a totally different attitude. Is it your first impulse to learn more about why they are fighting the war in Tranzmania? Of course not! Your concern is over how their war directly impacts you - and your loved ones!  

The same goes with transgender expression. Those close to you will have valid concerns of indiscretion, the impact this could have on your livelihood, its impact on any children you might have (including their friends - and parents), etc., etc., etc. Need I go on? We do not live in a vacuum. Respect and address the concerns others have. They are likely thinking with a much more level head in this matter than you are.  

spin city

When we learn of any "new event" that alters our perception of those closest to us, it's a pretty dramatic event. We live in a very large and complex modern society. However, most of us are really only affected "emotionally" - by a fairly small group of individuals. There are the people in your life whom you have the ability to affect by any major change you make. Start a new career - they are affected. Lose weight - they notice. Get sick - they worry. When we "change" their little world by asking them to deal with this side of our sexuality - it's a pretty big experience.

Focusing on "managing perception" is very important to achieving success with your close associations. For me, this was much more challenging than simply "telling" loved ones. In most of our world, "perception" - is reality. All humans are "perceived" as being a "certain way" - in the eyes of people around us. If that "perception" is forcibly changed by something new - people need time to adjust and get used to their "new" perception of us. 

Your focus comes in managing this "new perception" so that the end result - is the "perception" you were seeking from the onset. Did you perceive all those perceptions? *Grin* I didn't either. Oh, well! 

I feel most gals get too caught up in trying to get people to "understand" their transgenderism versus managing how people perceive it. Why do you think every successful politician has an entire staff of personnel doing nothing but managing "spins" on stories - or "how those stories are perceived" by the American public? 

How do we manage t-perception successfully? First - know thy product! The biggest challenge is usually the public's confusion regarding sexual orientation versus gender identity. Our "sexual orientation" is defined as the actual sex of the person we are most attracted to. We are homosexual if we are most attracted to people of the same sex, heterosexual if we are most attracted to members of the opposite sex, and bisexual if we are equally attracted to members of both sexes. 

Our "gender identity" is really what our crossdressing and feminine expression is usually about. As t-girls, we have a natural instinct to "embrace a woman" - buried deep in our souls. Unfortunately, in today's society - bringing "her" outside our cerebral cortex usually means many will view us as a "flaming faggot" - and all that label implies. 

Many gay men are positioned in the more "feminine" role in Gay relationships. They "assume" a feminine persona, which is in concert with their role in their relationships. However, the "sexual orientation" of these men is homosexual. Because these individuals beat us to the punch in the game of "public perception" regarding an "effete male" persona, we are forced to contend with public ignorance on this matter that affect us. Never mind the fact that over 80% of t-girls are totally heterosexual. 

Are you getting the basic picture girlfriend? There is a lot to understand in this department. Your success in getting others to comprehend these issues will be most directly linked to your ability to explain them. This ability is governed by your own knowledge on the subject matter.

Take the time to study the facts. Read opinions from respected sources. There is much to learn about transgenderism. Knowing the data and how it affects you will enhance your chances of convincing others that it - and you - are still "okay" - after they discover you like wearing dresses.    

The following links include a zillion places to find information regarding transgender issues. You could spend several days  reading all the articles. Some will apply to your needs - others will mean nothing to you.

Links to Links" in Matters of T-girls 

More "Links to Links" in Matters of T-girls

Also, my dear friend "Talia Bluegrass" includes a fairly detailed "guide" for sharing your transgenderism with your spouse. Talia did a ton of research before sharing her issues with her wife. It paid off. Her outstanding insights will help you a great deal.

Talia's Home Page: "Telling your Spouse" 

the biggest product of all 

What product must we know above all else? Ourselves - and our feelings regarding our transgenderism, as well as how it affects "the world" around us. As humans, we are not "production line" items. We are 'custom designed" family creatures - that have been retooled over the years with our unique experiences with loves, teachings, cuts, bruises, and smiles.

Obviously, it's of great benefit in helping a loved one understand this - if we are able to share quality information regarding transgenderism. However, equally important is having an in depth understanding on your feelings regarding "dressing" - and its impact on the person you are talking to. It's human nature to get "antsy" about a matter if we sense confusion in the midst. Your own confidence in this matter can have a powerful affect on acceptance. This confidence is born from thought, study, contemplation - and love. 

Also, try to think through analogies that your listener can relate to from personal experience. You know them, you are aware of important events in their lives. Develop comparative analogies that will help them understand the deep seeded emotional issues you are dealing with in your sexuality expression. A good "story" in the media - is one that people can relate to! Learn from their success model.

me, myself & i

I've learned a great deal about myself and others from my transgender experiences. However, in no area have I come further - than in my appreciation and awe over intimacy. Like most males, I lived many years under the mistaken impression that "intimacy" - was most directly related to "activities" in the grown up's playroom. Was I ever wrong!

Being transgendered, you are carrying perhaps the greatest seed for achieving real intimacy:  a huge secret. Secrets, in a simple way - are the "back bone" of intimacy. Problem is, as males, we tend to detest the idea of "sharing anything" which subsequently reduces our control over our masculine image. 

As a rule, most t-girls I've known could be labeled "quasi-extremists". Okay, I give - we're all extreme as hell! We tend to be very passionate people - driven in so many ways. We are often more "male" in our emotions - than a lot of guys who aren't transgendered. Who knows, perhaps this extremism plays a role in our need to express a female side the way we do. Regardless of the reasons, we are often less adept at expressing real heart felt emotion with a loved one. I certainly was this way.

Sharing my transgenderism pretty much nuked the "Berlin Wall" around my inner self. Those with whom I have shared all facets of my life, have become far closer to me. In the same process, I've "met" a wonderful new friend - known as intimacy. I hope you meet "her" as well. It will make you so very thankful for embracing your transgenderism.

who has it better: married or single?

If you ask a "single" t-girl - she'll be quick to point out the absolute horror of loneliness at night. If you ask a married one - that is in an "unaccepting marriage" - you'll likely hear a similar triage. Of course, no matter where you're standing - the grass will always appear "greener' on the other side of the fence. And you know what? None of this really matters. You are where you are - in life. And only you can determine where you will be - in the future. 

"Timing" has a lot to do with the answer to this question. If you are new to exploring your t-side and are "single" - you are afforded the freedom to to discover this facet without as much hindrance. However, a married gal who learns to balance transgenderism tends to build from a stronger platform - and usually makes better judgments regarding her "activities" along the way. 

So which is really best? Looks like 6:5 and pick 'em - and so we move on...

speed of acceptance

One thing you can count on with almost absolute certainty. Others will never adapt to your feminine expression "needs and wants" - anywhere near as fast as you'd like. You will often feel issues are moving forward at a snail's pace. Just remember, they'll likely feel things are advancing like the world's fastest roller coaster - with a psycho bitch at the controls. 

Recognizing this inherent imbalance and deciding key points you can "meet in the middle on" will help you be more successful. Also, create deadlines to discuss matters - or at the very least - create a healthy mechanism to do so. We all put off matters we'd just assume "go away" as long as possible. 

You did not get to a point where you were ready to deal with your transgenderism in "one day". You certainly can't expect others to catch up with your changing emotions a day after you've finally sorted them out. Offer the same breath of understanding you've given yourself. It's worth the wait when love is involved.  

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