One More Grind...
the warm-up lap
After years of being mired in the process of transition...and subsequently being too-damn scared to pull my head out of the sand, 2007 serves as the official start-point for my new life & career.
This year? It's a really big one.
I'm down to applying the icing on my new directions & goals. Gotta' be honest - it sure feels good to be almost done. I'm also hoping to make decent progress here at reneereyes.com in 2007.
Worth noting at my web site?
- I'm only going to journal on or around the first day of each month...this way, any of you wanting to keep up with my life & progress - will know roughly when I'll include updates.
- I'll add a "Photo of the Month" about the 15th of each month...these new pictures will showcase some of my favorite fashions & provide tips for gals seeking to acquire affordable fine garments.
- I'll add fresh content...look for notes to newly uploaded / revised site sections in my "What's New" area.
quick note 11-21-07
My schedule's now even more brutal than before. Ever get on a pace where somebody asks you on Friday about any details from an important meeting on the day before...you're forced to concentrate to even recall the highlights? Then you know exactly what I'm going through at this moment. I'm overworked, understaffed & overwhelmed. I'm planning to regroup in December: letting go of my final "wish list" of projects I hoped to complete in 2007 in order to get better organized for 2008 & simply enjoy the holidays.
I'll add a much more detailed update in a couple of weeks / December. However, I did want to mention one thing regarding reneereyes.com. I am going to make my gender site a part of my life in the future. However, parts of it will have to change to make it more palatable to other parts of of my existence.
In other words?
It'll have to "transition" as well.
Happy Thanksgiving to one & all.
Keep the faith...
making sense of it all 10-10-07
As before & seemingly ever shall be...I'm behind schedule on just about everything I'm presently undertaking. I suppose that really means I'm still casting big dreams & have much more to accomplish in this lifetime. Since the alternative now seems less appealing than during those depression-laden days of transition, I suppose I should be thankful for my cons state of disunion. Alas, "perspective" forever remains the looking glass of awareness: duh!
Dealing with a blistering schedule this October that culminates in a weeklong visit to Portland, OR where I'll introduce three new products plus varied permutations for each technology. Their development has been a grueling affair and although I'm looking forward to their potential success, I'm equally excited over now being able to concentrate solely upon my new company launch in 2008.
What else is happening?
Let's see...how about if we look into the "for-what-it's-worth department"?
I'm facing a lingering question...
"What in the world am I going to do with reneereyes.com" both now & in the future?
In case you haven't noticed?
Updates at this web site remained tardy over the last several years. Their continual postponement wasn't just about my over-committed schedule. It's more fundamental: this portal has absolutely nothing to do with the rest of my life.
Simply stated: I'm done with transition...I have fewer & fewer transgender friends...I'm no longer active in the transgender community...I'm buried in new career projects (none of which relate to transgenderism)...I'm not driven by any need for transgender notoriety...and perhaps most importantly? I no longer cast a transgender shadow over the how's & why's of my life challenges & mysteries. If it wasn't for the fact that my love-life remains affected by my transgenderism, I could almost embrace the conclusion to this entire odyssey in 2008.
All of these and other factors cause me to invest less time & energy into reneereyes.com. I've decided to dedicate some exclusive focus-time into this site during late November. My goal? Find a way to evolve reneereyes.com into a working component of my new existence or enterprise.
Know why that's so important?
Me either...but it feels like the right thing to do.
Keep the faith...
a question of faith 9-22-07
Extra busy at this moment. Slammed mostly by finalizing some R&D / product development work plus my writing projects. Uniquely, I've got ton of personal issues on my mind...but very little to say. Is that a good thing or a bad thing? Who knows? Who cares?? *Laugh* Actually, I'm enjoying a fairly healthy state of the emotional-union at this moment.
SCC was especially joyful this year. I think I best summarized what made it extra special in the description of my Sept Photo of Month. The bottom line? Transgenderism is evolving & growing. While this process is not a straight line progression, it's definitely trending positively upon the shoulders of many hardworking ladies. It's an important & exciting phase of development for our "species". I find that invigorating.
Know what I enjoyed most about SCC 2007? The noticeable decline in victim mentality. Certainly the backdrop of the first-ever major Career Expo played a role in that improvement. However, that was a supporting structure: not the complete edifice.
I think we all understand why gals become angry & depressed: especially if they undertake a 24/7 gender transition. I can certainly appreciate why they lash-out at everyone: including their own because I doubt anyone excelled at all these negative traits better than yours truly in years past: I was a total bitch. With the inherent hypocritical nature of society, it's fairly easy to eventually end up in an isolated corner of the world: throwing stones at passer-byers...and slowing dying.
A gender transition is incredibly challenging in the best of circumstances. Since very few of us undertake this mountain in a vacuum, the relentless external negative influences contribute to the constant toppling of what little progress we sometimes achieve. The result? A brutal labyrinth of chaos which causes any such traveler to quickly appreciate that transition is much, much easier to start...than to finish.
Transition - by its very definition is a state of change: not an ending point. A common mistake most of us make during our transition is believing that once we're pretty enough...once we're stealth enough...once we're post-operative: the rest will be easy. Guess what? It's not.
Personally, I've come to define a complete transition not by bodily adjustments. Rather, I think it's a combination of emotional well-being and the successful reestablishment of a satisfying lifestyle, career & love-life. The rest? It's only window-dressing.
Anyway...I noticed a lot more gals at SCC were beyond this horrid transgender tangle. Their combined energy created faith for many of those still battling a path to joyfulness & resulted in a much more inspirational exposition. Hopefully, we'll keep trending upwards.
Keep the faith...
making memories of august 8-27-07
That word accurately sums up my feelings at the moment. I'm not depressed...just kind of frustrated.
- A dear friend & mentor passed away. He was the one who first taught me about art & antiques: sparking a lifelong journey. I'll miss him a lot.
- My car started acting weird last week & I discovered it'll require some major repairs. With all that I'm presently undertaking? That's about the last thing I needed right now.
- August temperatures stayed consistently above 100F in Atlanta which sapped mine & everybody else's energy. It also made people rather bitchy: including me...know what I mean?
- My work projects were stuck in a horizontal spin. Try as I might, I achieved very little forward progress during the month of August.
- The liquidity crisis in mortgage-backed securities concerned me: I feel its implications might be more brutal on our economy over the next twelve months than others...which caused me to reflect upon my plans & account for its potential impact.
- I'm still overweight: go figure... :(
Additionally, I'm facing pressure to further distance myself from my transgendered roots. While I've refused these direct & indirect overtones, I'm starting to realize it's happening by default - I never seem to find time to develop the new sections of this website & I'm no longer active in the "community" except for my web presence. I once hoped I could include my gender site as a minor subsection of my new enterprise but didn't fly. I'm already having to plan for some heartland-related backlash due to my transsexuality during the first year of my company's launch. Alas, I can't afford to pour gasoline onto a small brush fire.
FYI for those who've inquired...I did sign-up for SCC 2007 - but I'm uncertain if I'll attend / visit as I'm facing a pair of schedule conflicts. I do hope to stop by for awhile to drop in on old & new friends. It'll probably be my last one if I make it - it's just no longer on my radar screen.
On a better note? Had a blast in New York City for the Russian's 14th birthday celebration. Watching her consume & adapt to the pulse of the city was amusing. She's a New Yorker by nature, which meant her initiation to new experiences rarely lasted longer than fifteen minutes: she pretty much fit right into every facet of NYC life. One thing especially worth noting...we all had the pleasure of enjoying a lovely dinner with my old friend Bill Taylor & his family. That visit was particularly joyful.
I'll include a more detailed (and hopefully more cheerful) update next month: I'm just not in in the best of moods at present as I prepare to double-down my efforts in September.
My best to all...keep the faith!
past & present meets future 7-29-07
Had a long telephone conference this morning with my publicist in preparation for my upcoming brand-launch meetings this fall. He's a very insightful fellow & being a native New Yorker: he doesn't pull any punches. It was an interesting encounter and left me to ponder an important question:
"What role will my past & present...play in my future?"
Know what? In my case? I'm not sure.
Let's face it: I'm no poster-child for angelic behavior...never have been, probably never will be. I was never one of the "good girls" - just wasn't my nature. Part of my devil-may-care history is rooted in the fact I "grew up" in gay culture versus tranz-culture. Although I never really identified with being a gay-male...it's where I spent most of my tranz-existence for about fifteen years. In those times before the advent of internet, the tranz-social scene was like the wild west before the masses arrived: endless parties, casual sex, seedy bars & mounds of cocaine. Couple that atmosphere with my inherent nature to "try anything once"? It's safe to say I committed my fair share of sins. How I survived all that without getting killed or contracting AIDS remains a modern mystery. I like to think there is a good reason why I'm still around.
My resident bad-girl reputation was not the image of my male-life. In that realm, I remained a somewhat eccentric but fairly successful entrepreneur. Alas, I was probably better at starting things than I ever was finishing them but most of that problem was rooted in my dual existence + youth.
As for now?
I don't do any drugs, I'm only a "social drinker" and I'm a monogamist. My fashion style & eclectic tastes will probably always cause me to be defined as edgy but my passions are rooted in traditionalism. I'm now fully transitioned & pretty comfortable in all my new skin. Most importantly, for the first time in my life I can honestly say I know exactly what I want and I'm pretty certain how I'm going to get it. I'm in the final stages of development for a pair of new ventures & technologies that will certainly help drive success.
I don't have a clue what the eventual sum total of my existence will mean but one thing's for sure: I don't want my life to end up being defined by my transsexuality. All in all? I've had a pretty incredible journey thus far & I'm looking forward to an even bigger adventure over the next twenty years. My transsexuality remained an issue in my life for a very long time. However, it's now more akin to a medical condition that I "fixed" versus any definition of "who I am".
I'm at an age...at a point in my life where I find "simplicity" most appealing. I now turn down almost any opportunity or invitation that reeks of adding any potential new complications to my existence. This includes social encounters, new business opportunities, transgender community involvement - even friendships. I'm focused upon finishing & simplifying what's already on the ledger: period. Almost all the projects I'm presently developing are very large & complex. To do them right? I'll need ten years of focused effort. Thus even minor commitments or distractions can create set-backs I find unappealing. Additionally, I'm committed to enriching several long-time associations versus finding new friends. It takes a lot of time & effort to be a really good friend. Like most tranz-people: I'm a fairly complex persona that's difficult to know beyond the surface. I find the process of developing new associations more draining than enhancing.
The realities of my past coupled with my present change of gender combined to weight down my development plans for my new business venture an extra two years. Everything's now pretty much at that point where nothing can stop the progress aside from unforeseen circumstances or poor health.
What's going to happen when Main Street, Wall Street & this well-seasoned transgender Entrepreneur with an exciting new venture but "spotty" personal past, all collide?
It's anybody's guess.
Keep the faith...
thinking too much 7-26-07
Was very contemplative this past weekend...I suppose that's just an eloquent way of saying I was depressed. *Laugh* Gemini's are notorious for thinking too much and I'm definitely a poster-child for that bad trait.
What's the big "think"?
Trying to make better sense out of all that I'm now doing & all that I'm trying to do. I recognize I'm probably just tired...mired in the development of a couple of very large projects and the process of making them reality. However, I'm about to arrive at a fork in my road (just after the first of the year), and I'm not certain which direction I should take. I have this one new business that matches perfectly with all the other things I'm doing. Then...I have this other new venture which I absolutely adore but...it's outside my realm of noted expertise. I fear...that I'll make a mess of it and in that process: make a mess of everything else. Do I pursue passion over purpose? It's a valid question.
Perhaps you've heard the old adage: "If you do what you love...you'll never work a day in your life". I know that to be true because earlier in my life, I relished entrepreneuring...for its very sake. It didn't exactly matter what the venture entailed, I just savored process. Nowadays? It's not that simple. Additionally, the nature in which I attack a complex project requires a high degree of passion since I tend to bury myself in its very essence. What to do, what to do...
I now wonder if all the generic prescriptions for happiness apply to single, 46-year-old transsexual women. Plus? If I stumble...and subsequently fall-down? It can be a very long & arduous process to make my way back to the mountain's edge that I'm now steadily repelling. Then there's always that fear of a fall where I can't recover. There are so few transgender safety nets and traveling alone is standard fare amongst us gender benders.
I'm presently leaning towards the passion-based direction but limiting its scope to reduce my risk. Can you really get to second base...by keeping one foot on first? I'm trying to identify some essential milestones to help govern my decisions. Sounds like practical dreaming...how utterly romantic: not! *Ugh* It'll probably cost me an extra year to attempt this particular vista. What's a year in the big scheme of things? As I approach the big 5-0...it feels more costly than ever before.
Whatever...enough of this wayward meandering.
On a more positive note, I'm now actually getting accustomed to my 14-hour / day work routine. I labored like this years ago but had a hard time readjusting to the pace. One key difference from my youth? I now embrace the importance of balance in my insane schedule. I mediate, pray & give thanks for the gifts in my life at least fifteen minutes each day & I make sure to fit in a half-hour of exercise. I also listen to music for about twenty minutes every day: it's such great therapy. Of course, I'm forced to undertake this pleasure in privacy because I sometimes start waling along with the tunes & I'm a horrible singer. *Laugh* I read from a book for at least an hour every other morning & I almost never turn on the television. If it weren't for Law & Order SVU & CI plus Friday nights with "Monk" (a fellow OCD, borderline nutcase persona), I'd probably just disconnect my cable TV service. Finally, I attend some sort of spiritual or cultural gathering each week to maintain my appreciation for society & my sense of belonging. So where's the incredible sex-life fit into this wonderful routine? Yeah, right. *Laugh*
On an even better note? I enjoyed a lovely sushi dinner with one of my dearest old male friends last Friday night at Goldfish / Perimeter Mall. He's one of the only ones that's been totally comfortable reestablishing the intimacy of our prior association. Know what I mean? Most old male cronies just can't get past the changes in my outer shell. In that process, we lost the ability to communicate freely. The ability to talk about anything is perhaps the most important hallmark of intimate, life-long associations. Alas, I lost a few...but I'm very thankful for those I still have. :)
On the worth-noting front? I uploaded more favorites from my personal art collection. Unfortunately, I'm running into a little snag from all the new rules regarding the display of digital images from original art at my upcoming new art-related web site. It's always something, no? Alas, nothing's uncomplicated in today's world. I'm going to get some legal advice to make certain I don't get into trouble. On fun note, I invested half-a-Sunday playing "musical frames"...switching-out artworks amongst frames in an attempt to unearth better styles for certain pieces. Found a pair of new combinations that caused rather dramatic improvements: we like it when that happens. *Smile* Of course, this effort eventually created massive clutter that hours to clean-up; but it was fun.
FYI...I'm trying to get my newest updates completed: The Atlanta section & "Dear Renee". Please bear with me as I'm totally overwhelmed with work & the small semblance of "a life" that I have left. ((hugs))
Finally, I'm headed to New York City August 3rd - 6th with Red to celebrate the young Russian's fourteenth birthday: should be a blast. I'll share some photos of our trip in next month's entry. :) The rest of August I'll be focused upon finalizing details of my second new product & patent preparations then I'll invest the balance of 2007 wrapping up my first two books. I'm launching a supporting venture in the second quarter of 2008 while the other projects take shape & solidify. 2009 is going to be an absolute f***ing zoo of activity...but it should be fun to watch. *Laugh*
And the beat goes on...
Keep the faith...
happy forth of july 6-29-07
Thought I'd go ahead & journal as I'm traveling the first part of July. I'm headed to Nashville for the holidays...getting laser skin resurfacing on Tuesday...then I'm 'gonna "heal" at Red's house for a couple of days afterwards. Taylor's supposed to fly in on Thursday but I've got so much work to churn-out that I doubt we'll do anything beyond rent movies in his hotel room.
What a run...I'm totally f***ing slammed right now. The intensity of my work projects is overwhelming at the moment. Honestly? I'd say most of my fatigue is rooted in the fact I haven't worked this intently for years: I'm no longer accustomed to the pace. Thus, I'm pretty much wiped-out at the end of every day. I'm waaaayyyyy behind on site updates, email responses, etc. Please forgive me...I just don't have any extra time right now. ((hugs)) My new company continues to shape-up beautifully but of course - I'm still short on cash, staff and free time.
I'm probably dismayed with the idea of shooting many new pictures because I've put on five extra pounds and for the life of me...I can't seem to keep it off. I'm not sure what's going on with that. Is it old age? Let's not go there. *Laugh* It's probably my addiction to chocolate...every time I get halfway lean again? I get these insane craving for anything chocolate. Go figure...
Stopped in on Gay Pride in Atlanta on Sunday with my GF Kristin. It was so hot that we had to stop often & cool-off under shade trees: absolutely brutal. We finally made our way over to Blake's & hid out next to the air conditioners. I ended up getting a bit wasted while trash-talking with the usual rowdy bunch of fags...too much fun. My roomie came down with a few friends as evening rolled around & we scarfed sushi at NIckiemoto's. All in all? It was a fun & memorable Pride.
Did "okay" at the art auctions. The piece I really wanted ended up going for more than I could afford. However, I did score these three pieces. The boy with the flower is only 10 x 13: small & intimate. It reminded me of my childhood and ironically; it was painted when I was six years old...which made it all the more appealing. The other two pieces are pretty large - both about 30 x 40. The boy in the barnyard was a tribute acquisition to my dear friend Red's brother...who passed away a few years ago. I'm still chasing a few more fillers from auctions that end next week. Hoping lots of potential buyers go on vacation...and allow me to purchase a couple of items at my favorite rate: you know...cheap!! *Grin*
Been very emotional lately: easily crying when I hear songs that remind me of my past or potential futures. Got kinda' depressed a couple of times this month but tried not to dwell upon it...just focused on mindless tasks as I waded through the doldrums. Still very tired of sleeping alone every night. I'm at that age...that point in life where I don't want to go to bed alone very night...know what I mean? The conditions on my life, my career & my loving relationship dictate it...but that doesn't mean I have to like it.
Finally...I can't begin to tell you how disappointed I am with the Supreme Court's most recent ruling regarding segregation. This decision is only the tip of the iceberg for what's on the horizon regarding civil liberties. If you're not a straight, white, Anglo-Saxon male...your rights just got placed into a time warp. Everybody seems to forget that unless you're a native born American...we're all orphans in this society. It's how we've learned to mesh & tolerate cultures that's made us superior.
This country was founded by a small, brave clan of persecuted minorities who understood all to well how essential it was to craft a constitution that protected our future from whatever present majority. This exceptionally well thought-out document protected us from "ourselves" on countless occasions...and that - more than any other factor...is why we don't live in an oppressed society. This new phase of interpretations will impoverish our futures, our children's futures...and the lifeblood of free society for decades to come. Doesn't affect you? Don't worry, sweetie...it will. Sadly, I saw this coming before the reelection of George Bush in 2004: I'm sickened.
That's about it. My best to everyone and sincere wishes for a pleasant 4th of July.
Keep the faith...
mid-month update 6-20-07
Thought I'd blog a bit tonight as I can't seem to get to sleep. So much is happening: most of it's very good. Investing almost every waking moment just to support the pace.
First off, I had one of the most joyous birthday's of my life. In my last entry, I mentioned the gathering I enjoyed over Memorial Day weekend. Additionally, I ended up having another fun celebration with dear friends on the actual night of my b-day (June 3rd) at Cowtippers. My definite highlight was "Sophia" - the absolutely adorable daughter of two dear friends. Something about a young child brings out the youth in any 'ole gal. It was all very special. Several calls from old friends & family sealed my pleasure. Thank you...to everyone - you make my life worth living.
My trip to Vegas was good, albeit very busy. Even though I wore my lowest-heeled Aerosoles, I developed blisters after only one day of walking the floors at the Las Vegas convention center. I resorted to covering my sores with masking tape in an effort to reduce the agitation. Too cheap to buy Band-Aids? There's never much logic to my fiscal decisions. *Laugh*
I did find a bit of free time which allowed me to touch base with one of my old celebrity cronies plus visit with my dear friend Sashia. Sashia came by for coffee on Wednesday night & she looked better than ever. The string of missteps & bad luck she's endured would've wipe-out most humans beings. Thus, I'm extra proud of her for hanging in there. And let's face it: when you look good? It's never all bad.
Sashia & I discovered an adults-only European sunbathing area as we walked the grounds & visited the various on-site pools. Thus, after packing & storing my bags on Thursday, I adorned my bathing suit under some jeans & a t-shirt...and relaxed by the pool for the balance of my day on Thursday. The temperature arose to about 104F which made me all the happier that being topless was "okay" in this environment. You know me: don't have to ask Renee to take her clothes off more than once. *Laugh*
What else is new?
My business projects are beginning to take on lives of their own. Can't begin to describe how good it feels to finally be getting knee-deep back into the game. Interestingly, the "why's" behind most of my underlying motivations are totally different than before. Time will tell what impact these newly arranged underpinnings have on my success. I sincerely hope I can accumulate adequate resources to help fund some of our never-ending needs in advocacy, homelessness & reeducation.
On the art-front...sold a few items to help fund some new art acquisitions. Already added a pair of affordable paintings, including this adorable little ballet piece. I'm eyeing an artwork I'd love to acquire at the upcoming auction at Freeman's in Philadelphia, however - I'm not going to hold my breath as art prices are skyrocketing at the moment. Makes 'ya feel great about works you already own but it's a nightmare when it comes to making additions. I did unearth a young artist on-line whose located in Transylvania (of all places) that I commissioned to do a large fantasy / abstract portrait painting of yours truly based upon a nude photo. The final mach-up drawings aren't complete but I'm hoping it'll come out pretty cool.
Finally established a presence at myspace.com. I'm probably the last woman on the planet to have forged a portal at this newest version of the 'ole GeoCities days...but I suppose it's better to be late than never.
On a very good note: Taylor & I are back together. Rant as I may, I never seem to fall out of love with this guy. Naturally, he cheated during our darkest moments: sent flowers. What is it about roses that cause a woman to be willing to forgive & forget almost any misstep? My sense of logic remains disgusted over how pliable I've become when exposed to this female version of kryptonite. Alas, the heart wins all battles of priority. I'm at this point in my life & my loving where I'm simply trying to take things as they come. You know: let it happen versus make it happen. Lots of people seem to embrace that wisdom by default but I've spent much of my forty-six years fighting natural trends. Now? I'm the river...not the salmon. *Smile*
I'm working again most of this upcoming weekend but I'm going to stop by Gay Pride on Sunday. The balance of June is probably going to be a blur. I'll be sure a shoot a new photo-of-the-month then, as well. Sorry for my tardiness in those regards - I just never think much about pictures anymore. Besides, I've got bags under my eyes 90% of the time anyway. *Laugh*
Finally...some of you might recall the death of my dearest friend from childhood: Rob Puckett. He was murdered in 2004 & the case remains unsolved. Was talking to his mother recently & we've decided to create a memorial web site about his life & offer an opportunity for the many people he touched to share stories & photos. Additionally, it'll keep the window open for anyone who might someday come forward & help us resolve this horrid injustice. I reserved RobPuckett.net as the future home for this domain & hope to get the first version published by fall.
That's the news that's worthy to print.
My best to everyone.
Keep the faith...
thank God for june! 6-01-07
Whew! Am I glad the month of May, 2007 is now situated in my rear view mirror. What a thirty-one day run that was: awesome, good, bad, ugly...all rolled into one. I feel like a pinball that just set a record score. You know...a really eventful journey that's somewhat meaningless in the overall scheme of things.
June promises to be equally intense from the looks of things. However, I'm hopeful it'll be a bit more consistent in terms of positive events.
Not much new to share at the moment. Had a lovely pre-birthday weekend with Red, Big Country & Betts...thanks ladies: you're awesome. ((hugs)) My dreams of three weeks of fun lasted about three minutes - I'm still pretty slammed. Doing dinner with my roomie Darleen & my new dear friend Kristin on Sunday for my birthday. Probably work the rest of this weekend.
Spending most of my days & nights writing at the moment. Got a four-book deal to deliver, two new web sites to draft & of course...a ton of updates to complete here at reneereyes.com. Still have to polish-off my new corporate brand plan, write one-two new patents...need I say more? I'm beginning to feel like a computer accessory. Some life, huh? I've started this new habit of opening about six unique documents at one time. When I get stuck in one direction, I simply change channels in search of divine inspiration. I suppose it's a prescription for productivity with ADD behavior. I know...I'm weird. Six more months of this intensity...then I should be over the primary hump. It's going to be quite a ride. :)
I realize that I never posted May's photo of the month. Alas, what I planned just didn't work because my lard-ass didn't look remotely "hot" in the outfit: imagine that? *Laugh* Oh, give me a break. Why don't you try looking like a 'babe at forty-six. Got news for you...it's a total hit-and-miss proposition. Promise I'll make it up to 'ya, though. Doing my first-ever professional photo shoot in mid-July. It'll be mostly haute couture & career-related shots but I'm sure I'll find a way to fit in some snazzier stuff. You know me...*Grin*
I'll write more again mid-June. Gotta' run.
Keep the faith...
batter up 5-19-07
My new venture is really coming together. To say that feels good is to miss the point. Let's face it: after five years of flying like a mosquito smokin' crack - any form of significant progress is welcome. However, I'm on the verge of going way past just another start-up. Not there yet...but I smell blood. Ironically, I've been fighting an earache for almost two weeks as I continue to forge through the labyrinth known as "my projects". Perhaps being sick is just what the doctor ordered?
Some of you asked about my new company. Unfortunately, I'm not yet prepared to publicly disclose details. In my past, I sometimes shared elements of goals before it was prudent. The only benefit that approach brings is comfort to a fragile ego. This time around? I'm keeping my cards close to my chest until the river falls. I'm carrying heat so I want to draw as much money as possible before I lay the hand. Make sense? ((hugs))
What else is happening?
Still headed to Vegas June 10 - 13. Unfortunately, Red & her daughter won't be able to join me the weekend before as first planned - just didn't work out. Thus, I'm not going early & will remain focused on a work-related project. I am going to try & take-in Frank Marino's show at the Riviera on Monday night: I've never seen it.
The good news regarding the truncated family outing is that we conjured up an even better option: a trip to NYC for the Russian's 14th birthday in August. As luck would have it, I had just enough miles to cover our flights plus three nights at the Waldorf-Astoria. Thus, we only need to fund incidentals. Should be a total blast. I can't wait to watch the Russian take-in New York...I'll never forget my first time in the city when I was about her age. Called my old Owensboro-friend, Bill Taylor & he's helping us plan lots of affordable fun. It'll be nice to visit with him, as well.
On another good note...the initial results from my new product patent search came back exactly as hoped. It's an exciting new technology - my first decent new concept in at-home fine fabric care in almost ten years. Cross your fingers...((hugs))
Continuing to try & hit my year-end goal for the first publication of my art web site. Don't ask me why I continue to invest so much time, energy & money into a project that's no longer going to be anything unique to the web. Spent last night playing ring-around-the-rosy with all remaining art that either needs framing, cleaning, restoration, etc. with a bunch of old frames I collected. Halfway through the night I had about forty pieces spread about the floors, walls & furniture as I tried to find combinations for using what I have, versus - what I don't: My home had this whole Picasso meets Fred Sanford thing going. The good news is that several pieces came together beautifully & will cost me almost nothing to finish-up: we like it when that happens. :)
I've decided not to purchase any new works until I finish getting all the existing pieces in my collection ready for display. Some of that process is never-ending...but I'm talking essentials. This includes getting a couple of the more important works properly certified & a few others appropriately attributed. Those tasks can be extremely time consuming & daunting when you're not a major collector. Whatever... I've learned to never underestimate what smiling, begging & flirting can accomplish in a low-cut blouse. *Laugh*
Included images of two pieces I've never shared. The first is by Roberto Carbone entitled "Two Graces". It's not exactly valuable - a garden variety s/n lithograph. However, it reminded me of Red & I...like sisters of attitude...thought that was kinda' cool, ya know? I'll leave it to you to guess which "behind" I identified with...*Laugh*
The other is from a set of oil-on-paper's I purchased from the estate of Pierce Rice: they're all exceptional but I think this one & another included at my sample art gallery are tops. The group was appropriately titled: "Women of an Era" at auction. Really cool pieces...
My 46th birthday arrives on Sunday, June 3rd & I'm doing my best to spread it out over three weeks of fun. Red & Big Country are coming down Memorial Day weekend to help me celebrate. Along with a couple of night's out breaking hearts on the dance floor, I've actually planned a bit of culture into our three day vista including the "Property of King's" exhibit at the High. Red & I are going to visit the Cyclorama one afternoon and of course, the Jazz festival is a no-brainer for Saturday. I'm in the mood for a bit of gallery hopping & art adventures. Red's latest squeeze is planning on joining us at some juncture. I haven't met him yet so I'll save the review for a future edition. He's very cute & very wealthy...not bad for starters. *Grin*
On a bit of a downer, Taylor & I called it quits. Honestly? I'm not as depressed as I am frustrated. I'm proud to say I'm getting better with my loving-relationship skills but my ability to pick a suitable partner leaves a bit to be desired (no offense, TA). I'm not sure what to do in any next go-round and I'm not remotely in the mood for the transgender dating merry-go-round: when to tell, what to tell, how to tell...never mind if I even like the guy. I'm obviously not your garden variety female but I'm also far from your typical tranz-woman either. It's all such a nightmare: some cute fellow engages me in conversation at the checkout line of Kroger...the conversation carries into the parking lot...he's trying to figure how to get a phone number & I'm trying to gauge his "number" when it comes to dealing with my reality: such fun. Alas, there's no owner's manual for this sort of thing. I'm too busy to dwell upon it but you're never exceedingly occupied when you're lying alone in bed...know what I mean? Of course, all this occurred in the midst of Mother's Day & the 7th anniversary of mom's passing. I'd give my left breast to be able to pick up the phone & call her.
Know what's also bothering me?
I can't remember my mother's "scent". I used to be able to close my eyes, breath deeply & concentrate...and I'd recall her as if she was wrapped in my arms. I can't do that anymore: sucks. I ended up spending a whole night going through old family & friend photos which only served to deepen my sense of isolation & depression.
I did happen upon this adorable picture of your's truly from kindergarten...some resemblance, huh? *Laugh*
Here's an interesting thought: if I had understood at thirty what I knew at the age of five? Could have saved myself a lot of years of grief. Go figure...
That's about it.
All in all?
I'm doing really well.
I hope your are, as well. ((hugs))
So the band plays on...keep the faith!
this, that & the box carol merrill is now standing in front of 05-01-07
Another month goes by...
Continuing to plug away at the myriad of projects before me & my new invention persists with terrorizing my thoughts. One key component is functioning perfectly...never imagined it would perform so smoothly. The other key ingredient? It's a mess...nothing's working. Alas, I continue to have faith I'll work everything out. If I can successfully change a gender? I figure I can resolve this sour marriage of polar components.
Red's surgery went fine & I enjoyed my little sabbatical in Nashville. Didn't really do much - just tended house and cared for Red & her daughter. Did get a chance to watch the movie "Elizabethtown" - found it especially moving. Something about that Kentucky backdrop set against a character who succeeded, failed & was faced with starting over - seemed eerily familiar. Ended up laughing, crying & feeling rejuvenated by the time the credits scrolled across the screen. Worked for me...
While driving back to Atlanta I came up with an idea regarding how I can add some fresh content at this website since I'm presently overwhelmed by new projects relating to my enterprise. As you can imagine, I receive a lot of questions about transition, tranz-attraction, etc. via email. I'm going to provide a detailed response to at least one query each month & publish that information in the appropriate major section. Perhaps that process will help get me back on track with publishing at reneereyes.com.
Let's see...what else?
Trying to squirrel some extra cash aside in preparation for one of my favorite art auctions in late June: it's always a good resource for scoring killer deals. I should probably just quit eating & kill two birds with one stone. *Laugh* The only new piece I've added recently is a surreal-styled piece entitled "Soul in the Sand". The backdrop reminded me of the mind's eye vision from the movie "Freejack" (Remember that one?) & there's some exceptional brushwork to create varied lighting (although it doesn't show-up in this small example photo). Additionally, the human subject has a unique androgynous feel: kinda' cool. I really like this piece & it now hangs just above my CPU - so I get to enjoy it often.
Visited with some dear old friends in April for a Sunday brunch. Guess what? I got homemade biscuits! Oh...my...God: they were awesome. Nothing like that smell when you first enter a room, ya know? I was weak-kneed from the moment I arrived. Really enjoyed myself. I've also made a new association with a person that's especially unique & I'm convinced we'll become very dear life-long friends. Naturally, I met her the same year I'm leaving Atlanta...go figure.
Headed to Vegas in June for a dry cleaning convention (Oh, quit laughing...). Red & her daughter are coming out the weekend before the convention & we're going to hit some sights including a jaunt to the grand canyon. Neither of us are big gamblers so we're trying to design a visit that'll appeal to the young Russian. Can't believe that kid turns fourteen in August. Leave it to children to serve as a crystal reminder of the passage of time.
Seem to have made the change to my new web server for reneereyes.com without any hitches. The first day I had to rearrange some file locations to make everything work but it now appears to be functioning well. I switched from my old server to GoDaddy.com. My motivation for change was rooted in finding a hosting firm that would allow me to host multiple sites from the same affordable account. Thus far, I'm very impressed with their rates & customer service.
I turn forty-six years old around the first of June: yuck! Getting just a little too close to 5-0 for my tastes. I'm feeling my age these days, but that's not all a bad thing. Can't quite pull-off the wild & zany styles like I used to...but I'm getting better at the age-appropriate looks. I suppose it could be much worse.
That's about it.
Don't forget to check back mid-month - I'll try & include my first "Dear Renee" response. Additionally, May's "Photo of the Month" is a fun one.
Until then: keep the faith...
Just survived a minor tumble. Nothing fatal but it definitely didn't feel good.
Have you ever been working extra fast in an effort to catch up on some big project & subsequently smash your finger with a hammer or slip & fall upon a stretch of concrete and skin your knee? Metaphorically-speaking, that's what I just did. Two things usually happen after such a spill. A: I feel pretty stupid & B: I'm reminded that I'm a bit more fragile than I'd like to think. As when I trip over my feet or stumble upon an obvious ledge on a sidewalk, I usually like to look about for a source to blame for my little mishap. In the end? It's always my mirror that knows the truth.
Know what I'm talking about?
Investing this lovely AM into a bit retrospective as I lick my scraped shins. Realize I'm trying to accomplish too many things at once and in that process - I'm accomplishing less. Hate it when that happens. Trying to make sense of my highest priority of projects & how to better manage the mess. Sadly, whenever I end up in this corner I'm usually forced to once again postpone work on my passion-based projects: ArtCollecting.info & reneereyes.com. I like to think there'll always be enough to accomplish all my projects & fulfill all my dreams. Alas, I know better.
Headed to Nashville today to help care for Red following her impending surgery. One of her breast implants recently ruptured (ouch!) & she's getting them replaced. Thus, I'm digging out my 'ole nursing uniform. Of course, I'm not totally convinced she didn't somehow purposely create this little fissure so she could justify getting new & larger implants than moi: bitch! *Grin*
Finally...I'm changing web servers this month so if anything acts out of kilter or a page goes up missing...bear with me. I'm not exactly the most web savvy lady on the planet.
Gotta' get started packing.
Keep the faith...
a normal life 04-01-07
A normal life.
What is that by today's standards?
I'm not sure anymore, however I'm certain of one thing: it's what I want. Thus, as I wrap up these final preparations for my new business...and my new life - I made "normalcy" a very high priority. To some degree, I define a normal life as a non-transgender life: an existence free & clear of transsexuality. I embrace I'll never be able to achieve that goal 100%...but I'm convinced I can take steps to reduce any drama associated with being unique.
As some friends are aware, I'm moving away from Atlanta this summer. I'll maintain a permanent presence in the capital of the south as a base for my venture that's launching on '08. However, my daily atmosphere will become subdued as I attempt to protect my privacy. My new vistas seem likely to create a higher degree of limelight that I have no desire to shine upon my personal life.
The month of March pretty much came & went in a flurry: been really busy. Worth noting?
- Had a couple of joyful visits with both family & friends this past month. I'll forfeit the details for everyone's sake but suffice it so say it was all very special.
- I'm finally back down to fighting weight after a year of holding a "few extra pounds" that just didn't want to get gone. It's rather ridiculous how my weight now affects my self image. Rather sad approach to living I suppose but I appear to be stuck with it since becoming female. Still not as "tight" as before, thus I'm adding more exercise to my health regimen in April. I turn forty-six in June & I'll be damned if I'm going to look my age when I hit the big 5-0!
- I developed a new cleaning technology that's my first high-quality original idea since transition. Holding my breath as we await the results & interpretation of the detailed patent search. Honestly? It felt good to find & develop this new concept no matter what comes of it. Still...would be nice if the results come back as positive as my cursory review indicated that they should. We'll see...
- My new enterprise continues to come together pretty-much as planned. Money's tight as I self-fund most aspects but I've learned to survive about as cheaply as possible. Sadly, that means no new art acquisitions or fine clothing anytime soon. You'd think I would've been smart enough to hooch up with some wealthy guy before I began this new odyssey but that would have been too easy. You know me...high IQ: and dumb as a box-of-hammers. *Laugh*
Keep the faith...
transgenderism...is not a four-letter word 03-01-07
I recently attended an important business meeting where our conversation sadly veered from matters at hand and became immersed with "transgenderism" due to the shenanigans of a ridiculous talk show.
I quelled my little rebellion by quipping: "Every culture has its trailer-trash. If tomorrow's episode is about mother's who date their daughter's boyfriends, am I to assume every mother in this room is a card-carrying member of that same class?" Everyone quieted down momentarily & recognized the fallacy of their thoughts until another person espoused content from a web site by a recognized tranz-leader who didn't identify with being transgender because they were some sort of super-transsexual. The conversation only got worse & eventually my meeting lay in ruins.
Upon returning home I visited the web site in question & found myself disgusted by both the direct & indirect overtones of its author. I was pissed. The nature of my new company is forcing potential partners to answer the question: "How will customers perceive our involvement and/or endorsement of your enterprise?" That question was once challenging. Now? It's almost impossible to resolve due to the never-ending lack of acceptance of who we are - amongst ourselves.
After surpassing my aggravation, I found myself re-reading sections of reneereyes.com & realized that a layperson could find my own musings equally confusing.
The bottom line?
If ever a culture was totally consumed with being anything except what it is...we're "it".
This revelation caused me to reflect upon earlier years of being "gay". I knew lots of people that hid this fact - many that still do. However, I don't know any that classify themselves into more than a couple of varied forms. Can you imagine how stupid it would sound today if they tried to divide themselves up into gay, kind-of gay, sort-of-gay, certified-gay, gay self-centered, gay-sexual only, etc...and expected the world to properly address their circumstances for each instance?
Sounds ridiculous, doesn't it?
This...is exactly what we're doing in the transgender community. At almost every turn, you'll find members of our small minority obsessing to differentiate & distance themselves from others. I understand why it happens because I've been guilty myself. After you spend days, months, weeks - even years crossing difficult chasms in your evolution, it's natural to want to proclaim your accomplishments. Since the band rarely stirs for Queer-central, our simplest notion is often to create some fresh accolade of differentiation from our brethren. In that process? We win a battle...and start losing a war.
To be birthed transgendered is to be born in a cage. If & when you find the courage and strength to escape this slavery - you'll subsequently do almost anything to steer clear of attitudes that directly or indirectly reconnect your shackles. This includes separating yourself from others in our community that are not yet as stealthy or healthy.
Is this right?
No - it isn't. I think we'd all agree that just because another gal has better genetics for transition, better financial resources, less facial hair, a smaller frame, a higher IQ, or more confidence...doesn't make her a better woman. Rather, it just makes her appear to be a better woman. Being better is about helping others...not self-serving differentiation. The women most of us admired & emulated never took that latter path.
I'm very proud to be a transgender female. Every single day, I'm forced to deal with the implications of other transgender women's means of expression. It's sometimes thrown in my face & can cost me dearly. At times, I differentiated myself from others in my community based upon either frustration or a need to feel special.
From this day forward...any person facing gender identity issues that shows enough courage to apply make-up, don a wig & stroll outside the safety of their own home in a dire need to express their alternative persona? I could care less what scale of transsexualism they're subsequently rated. I'm gonna' stand beside you no matter how well or poorly you "pass". I might privately remind you that by now facing a public world, you're now an ambassador to everyone's transgender cause. However, if you walk out that door...I'll remain proud to claim you as my "own". I'd like to challenge all my sisters to do likewise.
Come to think of it...there was once another group of people facing similar troubles in this great land. While our plights are different, the solution remains the same. Our commonalities far exceed our differences: transgendered...join, or die.
Until we all get that?
We're going no place in a hurry. Or as John Paul Jones put it most eloquently: "You can't sink half a ship".
Keep the faith...
memory lane 02-07-07
Was just going through some old notes & came across this poem. I wrote it four-and-a-half years ago as a tribute to those that worked so hard to make SCC 2002 special for those that attended.
My words resonate more closely to how I feel today...than when I first penned it.
The Back of the Bus
A Tribute to Southern Comfort Conference 2002
By Renee Reyes
For "passing" first grade, they made him return
How’s that for success, and some luck?
Thus, early to bed – a peck on his head
He waited outside for the truck.
Climbing on board, grabbing a seat
Eyes chasing each minor fuss,
Spying in verso – a dark-skinned young lady
– Alone...in the back of the bus.
A child asked his mother – what person is this
... the same, yet so different from me?
Those eyes shined like fire, she shared with her sire
exactly as I will tell thee:
“The back of the bus – is really the front
A place where the angels do tend,
The gateway to heaven - it opens forever
– When the girl in the back is your friend."
A football team captain, class president was he
Not bad - for a boy from the back,
No gender to hinder – his race made him tender
His future looked sharp as a tack.
Fast-forward a score - add a few years
Now comes dishonor and shock,
For under all that - a transsexual female
– Complete with her closets and frocks.
What might Lincoln do – if he saw his son now
Would he offer a pillow as rack?
Never mind those who died - to crush such deep scars
His world – just screamed: “please use the back”.
He’d been there before, he knew this terrain
But somehow it felt extra low,
You know the difference – he understood too…
– He’d never been forced - there to go.
He grasped for support – none he could find
A cancer had taken his tree,
Cold hearted in anger, he cried to the heavens
“No angels avail there for me?”
A head bowed in sorrow – a heart filled with shame
Gravity tugging at knees,
From deep in his soul, he tasted that spirit
– And suddenly there was a “she”.
He cried as she held him, dabbing mascara
Clearing those eyes filled with foam,
She smiled at her baby – and said only these words
– "I knew you could find your way home".
This poem, it was started – one year ago
The words somehow lost in the midst,
It took SCC – one thousand good sisters
For me to discover its gist.
It’s really quite simple, His son made it clear
A camel and eye to be free,
Today he might mention, the back of the bus
– The best way to walk - with Thee.
the end of amos & andy 02-01-07
Wow...pretty impressive start to '07.
Or as one of my favorite dance partners used to say: "Not bad, for a white girl..." *Grin*
This was perhaps the first time in our new millennium that I maintained continuing positive effort from my mind, body & spirit for a solid month. Know what else? I'm genuinely excited about my new little company. I actually arise each morning eager to attack the day's manifest. It's not the most monumental venture I've ever attempted but it's decidedly my most clever. At present, I'm consumed with finalizing my innovative flight plan & the occasional amusement offered by the renewed roar of my engine and watching all my little entrepreneurial gauges coming back to life. It's all so friggin' cool. I'm curious though: I wonder if I'll fly differently than before once airborne. Time will tell...
Most importantly? I'm enjoying myself.
Although it's not my primary goal, one byproduct I hope to achieve is laying some decent groundwork for other tranz-gals to leapfrog into higher realms of entrepreneurial success. As with African American culture of the 1950's, our present post-transition successes are fairly limited. Our most visible examples are usually embedded in entertainment or arenas where tenure plays a role. Traditional free-market economies remain somewhat elusive - hence my titled reference to Amos & Andy. We're going to help change that in my lifetime & I'm going to eventually sleep knowing tranz-women will manifest their unique skills and intellect in a manner commensurate with their gifts. I believe it's even possible...however unlikely, that there might come a day about two hundred years from now when being born transgender could be considered a gift by some parents & society at large. 'Ya never know...but that possibility is left up to our generation.
In retrospect, January wasn't entirely trouble-free: got ugly-sick for a few days around the 24th...yuck! Here I am...totally wiped with a low-grade fever, a nasty cough & a deepened voice I thought I'd lost so long ago. My hair? It had that whole puberty-styled frizz-thing going from three days of showering less any brushing & straightening. I felt like crap & I was topping-off my misery by wolfing down one of those mega-sized Hershey's with Almonds in a glucose induced state of depression...then Taylor calls: tells me how much he's missing me & that he's changing flights to allow for a twenty-four hour layover in ATL. "I'll be there in a couple of hours...let's do dinner & something very special". Ahem...I don't think so. People sometimes ask if I ever miss being a man? At moments like that? It crosses my mind...*Laugh*
Even in these better times, I still face moments of fear & despair. They don't last very long...but I still have them. My trepidation is usually rooted in my plans and the related hurdles upon my horizon. When the next impediments appear to be even higher than those I just skinned my knees clearing? I can get a little bent.
My entire existence often feels like one lifelong, grueling battle with the heart of the bell-curve. Just once, I'd love to live fat-and-happy nestled in the midst of popular opinion. Must be nice having the majority cajole you over being right...even if you're wrong. George Bernard Shaw described it best but he kindly left out the part about all the scarring that results from unreasonableness. Some days? You're just not up for the fight.
I also face some pretty weird moments of reflection versus reality. At times I feel a bit like Tom Hanks character in "Castaway"...like I just returned from a remote island where I was marooned during seven years of transition. I'm the same human being as before the odyssey but I'm a decidedly different person. Does that make any sense? I'm older than before yet more youthful in my outlook...uglier to humanity yet more beautiful on the inside...just more sides to the same 'ole coin known as me, I suppose. I definitely weigh less: couldn't have been all bad, huh? Anyway...the paradox always arises from insights & confusion derived by living two highly distinctive lives in one short lifespan.
One other thing? Realizing I'm now at a perplexing age socially-speaking. The bottom line? I'm too old to be young & I'm too young to be old...know what I'm talking about? I'll give you a good example...I'm wanting to take up dancing again this year as it was always one of my favorite ways to keep in good physical shape. Alas, the old clubs I once enjoyed are now long gone. The new ones? The crowds cause me to feel like somebody's mother. I stopped by one of those ballroom dancing gatherings at the Hyatt Ravinia & realized I was just about the only gal without blue hair. By wearing my favorite dancing heels, I added to my dilemma by pretty much towering over every man in the place: and I'm only 5'9 without them. In March, I'm planning to join one of those new contemporary dance lessons / clubs thingy's. This should all be a relatively simple task...sucks getting older. *Sigh*
On a final note? Maintaining public stealth in my new vistas remains a quagmire. Can I...should I...will I...be able to share details of my business projects & ongoing life at my gender site? If I was my competitor? I'd use it all against me. The heartland hasn't remotely begun to embrace this condition as anything more than some sort of unexplained fetish. If you don't know that? You're not living in my reality.
How do I keep my transsexualism off the lead of any discussions about my new venture...yet not have it come as a big surprise if & when the subject pops-up? What about this web page...can I maintain it & not face repercussions? I like to think my new business is of the quality where I can weather any gender-related hurricanes in the first phases...then ride-out inclement weather as it occurs. My nightmare continues to be the constant political game played with "gay marriage". It seems like every time somebody creates a fresh public parade about that bandwagon in search of votes...I get kicked in the shins. It's not fair and it gets depressing. However, I'm getting more skilled at dancing around just before the music starts in order to minimize bruising.
I'm right at that point where I can probably vanish...and it's very tempting. I'm no longer active in Genderland except for my web presence & I'm pretty much free-and-clear of any related association, drama or bulls-eye. I have so much respect & appreciation for those gals that publicly represent our cause in a professional & contentious manner. I'm equally irked by the ego maniacs that jump at every opportunity to run their self-serving mouths in front of a crowd...and leave the rest of us to get disparaged by their tomfoolery.
Just not yet sure about each of these aspects. However, I know that all will be resolved soon enough. One day at a time...remains the motto of the moment.
The bottom line? I'm beaming as we speak & it's kinda' nice to finally wallow in joyfulness.
My best to everyone!
Keep the faith...
a sleepless night 01-08-07
Don't ask me why but I can't seem to enjoy more than one good night's-sleep every few days. Awoke at 2:30AM after having just dozed-off right after midnight. Tried sleeping pills but they simply make me groggy & depressed for most of the following day. Not sure what's got to change but this is intolerable. It's now almost six in-the-morning & my new day will be upon me shortly: kinda' sucks. Starting exercising intently again: perhaps that'll help.
I'm thinking my unrest is rooted in the intensity upon my horizon. There's a big-run coming up & it'll continue for another twenty years. Guess I'm still trying to make sense of the details. No...that isn't it: it's bigger than that. Perhaps I'm pregnant & not yet aware of my condition. *Laugh* Hey...they just made out Angelia Jolie as the virgin-Mary so I suppose my plight's a possibility? Yeah...I know. Whatever..
This is one of those entries where I'm scribing for scribing's sake: a/k/a wasting time. Usually gets me in trouble. Learned the hard way: Renee thinks too much? Not good...
Did a bunch of writing this past weekend. Invested Friday night into an improved version of my company business plan. On Saturday, I created the core flow for my new art website. And yesterday? I spent about eight hours working on new sections for this web site where I'm presently meandering back-and-forth between the new chapters on Transition & completing sections in the unfinished portions of the Admirer's Handbook.
I still haven't made total sense of my life plans & directions. Part of the problem correlates to resolving what I'm really chasing from all my hard work. In other words: what's my higher purpose? I was once absorbed with the impact my success might have on other transgender entrepreneurs but that's now less heartening. I'm so over being transgendered: sick of it. I no longer need or want it to play any role in my future. I've got another twenty years of potentially high-quality work left in my loins. How will I create a whole that exceeds the sum of the parts? I suspect there's an important life-lesson buried in this mystery but I'll be damned if I can find it.
It's all probably just a byproduct of my gender evolution as I go from being transgendered to just being "me".
On that note?
I'm off for another shot at some deep-sleep.
Keep the faith...
be it resolved... 01-02-07
Never been a huge fan of New Year's resolutions as I usually define benchmarks by associated timelines versus fixed points in space established by a bunch of Romans. If anything, my birthday typically serves as my re-dedication to dreams.
This year's decidedly different.
What's biggest on my 2007 goal list?
- One more intensive run of electrolysis & a few more months of touch-up & I'll finally be done with the nightmare known as my f***ing facial hair. Thank, God! Almost totally stealth. By year end? I'll be 99.5%...works for me.
- After nineteen years in Atlanta, I'm moving this year. Simply stated: it's time for a fresh start.
- My first book is almost completed, my additional publishing projects are well underway and my plans in this regard take full-steam in 2007. It's exciting watching this new vista come together.
- The business plan for my new enterprise is almost gelled. I'll need to get the "big move" out of the way first. Thus, I probably won't get to officially launch my new venture until 2008. However, I'm sure going to try & bring it together by year-end. It's electrifying.
- I'm finally going to upload a basic version of my art web site. This essentially matters zilch to the real world but it matters a great deal to yours truly.
- Like most people, I'm dedicated to losing a few extra pounds & getting in better physical condition. I found a church I really enjoy & I plan to continue my spiritual development as well.
What was that?
No longer being a f***ing victim!
I invested the lion's share of December, 2006 ridding myself of my victim mentality. I carefully probed every insecurity, every favorite emotional bunker & every transgender-related hiding place - in an effort to eliminate those negative influences from my outlook. I refuse to spend another day of my life with any more of that woe-is-me attitude regarding my transsexualism, my loss of loved-ones, my abuse as a child and my never-ending list of mistakes in this thing called life.
The bottom line? I got brutally honest about ridding myself of the pain & suffering I came to relish from all of my emotional toilets. I'm not a victim. Also, I embraced those people that are a part of my life today & I'm looking forward to the new friends and loved ones on my horizon. As for everyone else? I chose to simply recall the good memories I have with each...and accept them as a key component of my beautiful past.
My new life? It's officially begun. Stay tuned as I announce details about all of my keys goals during 2007. It's going to be a very exciting year.
Happy New Year - to one & all.
Keep the faith...