1rencomn01



Journal "Depression" 
yuck!
I
hate bad days. Sadly, transgenderism tends to breed a lot of "them". 
Why? "Depression" is rooted in a sense of "loss of control". Anybody who deals with an "alternative" gender - is
going to feel "out of control" - more than the average "Joe" - or Jane. *Grin*
Here's my
entries on the "tough days"...
the birth of a child 9/08/03
Just learned from all this astrological stuff - related to my loving - I'm an Aries - aka...
very childish. Know what? Hate it - but have to agree with that assessment. Beginning to understand how difficult a person I am, for others  - to love. That's not a very fun thing to learn about yourself. Am I suitable for a loving union? Today - I'm not very sure. Damnit - making me to cry just to say that out loud. Fuck!!!!! I act childish, cry like a child, have a quick temper like a child. Looks like it, smells like it, tastes like it...guess what it is??? 
Refuse to be somebody's
God Damn charity case. Likewise, I'm not about to spend the balance of my life having someone constantly remind what an emotional fuck-up I am - rather be alone. I know I can improve but not very certain - I can change. Not sure. Would I rather live a lie - an existence within my own emotional fantasyland - or one with those emotional adults? Have I just been "out there" trying to replace the lost love of my mother...like a little girl seeking a new parent? Today, I'm not sure. I'm not very sure about much of anything. This sucks...
Realizing - I'm not very skilled at many essential life attributes. Only one I can "lean" on? Business - in that - I'm uniquely gifted. Projects too - can assemble highly complex issues into workable formats. Perhaps
this should be my life definition. Should I just stay there
I'm so confused...
i'm fragile 7/15/03
"I'm fragile".
Try as I may  - can't maintain a healthy balance in my routine, life - or "living". My typical day? Includes wickedly polar events - exquisite to hideous.
Those up's & down's happen so rapidly in many 24-hour segments that I can barely breathe. That - takes a toll. Feel like a yo-yo.   
More "fragile" than at any prior point I recall. Ever hear the analogy of how much easier it is to "pull" someone
off of a table than it is to pull another from the ground "onto" a table? Well - my "table"-  is pretty f***ing wobbly. The slightest twist - I get knocked down. It's like living with bruises all over your body. The slightest touch, can hurt. 
Some good news? I'm unusually "aware" of my delicate emotional state. Remain guarded in my actions & which people I allow
into my life. Other healthy considerations? I'm no longer afraid of admitting "I'm scared" about my life - and my future. Likewise, not bothered to acknowledge that I'm not very "pretty" - female wise - much of the time. 
"Suicide" continues to remain a viable option. Strangely, I'm less emotional about
that than before. Fully prepared - like the good little obsessive compulsive, that I am. I look into the abyss - no longer afraid. I know death - smelled it, kissed it, tasted it. How can it be more painful than this? I do "cry" each & every time I contemplate "leaving". Cried, really, really hard as I wrote certain notes & instructions - including my swan song for this website. Not sure if those intense tears mean I'm getting "healthier" - or closer, to the edge. No longer "watch" any television news. Feel the pain of strangers. We're such violent, egocentric & aggressive creatures - so convinced we're the center of the universe. Foolish thinking, reprehensible actions - all in the name of almighty beings. Nah - all in the name of violent, egocentric & aggressive behavior. Not sure I belong "here". Don't admire the future. What do I gain by breathing? Not sure. 
People don't understand how often they call me "ugly". It's not the overt comments - I can deal with those...it's the little things.
They'll say..."Let's get together soon"...but they fail to offer their phone number. They'll tell me..."You're beautiful". Then - never invite me to meet friends. They'll ask - "Can you help us make more money?" Then - they'll also request that I say away. I could go on...and on...and on. I get constant reminders - that as human being - I'm not "pretty" enough to be a part of many people's lives. I understand - fully appreciate - how the of acceptance regarding transsexuality complicates people's lives. Still, I'm stuck "living" this. I didn't choose it - it, chose me. Can't handle being around those who're embarrassed to be openly associated with "me".  I'm a human being. I'm loving. I'm caring. And - I have needs like many other mammals on this molten mass. 
A survival technique? Focused on embracing the fact that I'm
the most "beautiful-ugly female" on this planet. Figure if I can learn to make friends with that concept - I'll be more healthy. Likewise, I'm presently dedicated to building friendships with select genetic females. They're usually less threatened - no grounds for "competition". Can't seem to handle anymore "long distance" associations. Desperate for those I can "see"...touch - & feel.
"I'm fragile" - and I'm trying...
not to "break".  
a bad place to be 5/05/03
This will be my last entry for awhile. Moving my cpu + I'm getting sick of sharing my innermost thoughts with this world. 
I'm
not in a good "place" right now. Simply stated - I don't "like" myself very much. I detest the person I've become - and the one I'm becoming. "No" - I'm not talking physical beauty - I don't recall ever feeling much better about where that is - and is "going". I'm talking "the person"...what I stand for - my worth as a living creature. 
Yesterday was a nightmare. While completing some final move prep - became obsessed with all the people I've hurt over the years - all those I've let down with my poor judgment & values. I have so many incredible gifts - why do I choose to keep hurting people? Considered
that whole process of "starting over" - you know "today's the first day of the rest of my life"? But, all I could think about was paying a price for my sins.
The day got worse - collapsed in a grocery store. When I "came to" - three strangers situated around me. My chest hurt - heavy pressure in the upper left side and I felt very weak. Ambulance took me to the hospital - a gay female paramedic got me laughing - she was cool.  They ran the usual stuff to check for a heart attack - "nothing". The doctor depressed me - picked at me for taking estrogen relative to my health. As if I wanted any of this? Fucking jerk. I napped a bit while the final EKG stuff ran its course.
I just can't seem to forgive myself right now. Feel so tempted to just put things in order and try my life again the next round.
Shit - also can't seem to quit crying. That's not fun. 
This isn't going anywhere. 
going home 4/22/03
Preface 
I hesitated to include this entry in my public journal for a couple of reasons. One, it's a
very painful account reconstructed from my "personal" journal - just rewriting it caused me to shed another bucket of tears when I was certain my body could lose no more. I know some of you worry when you "read" my bad moments. This one's the worst - or best, depending upon your perspective. Two, I didn't want a certain person to feel this event had anything to do with "them" - it didn't - not even remotely. This was a volcano that was going to eventually erupt - could've just as easily happened during my next work trip. It's about "my life" - not anyone in it
I include this record for important reasons. For anyone "contemplating"
transition and relishing that euphoric feeling of finally becoming "you" - know this path is fraught with dangers and oft not filled with pleasure. It's lonely & usually isolating. Two, I want others on "my" path to know they're not alone when they reach moments of utter despair.  
We all have "them" - present company "obviously"
included....
excerpt reconstructed from my personal journal - dated 4/21/03
...here I am in
fucking San Diego and all I want to do is simply "go home". What's my problem? I no longer have a home to "go" to - it's all packed up into some sort of modular existence I've come to know as "my life". What kind of life is that for a 40+ year old individual with a degree of success? You tell me...
"Home" - that word always sounds so simple when we have
one to "go to". A home, a job, a family...most people treat those words like a "ball & chain" - versus crucial components of their existence. Can't begin to tell you the number of tranny's that bemoan their families - pisses me off. "Well whose fault is that, sweetie?" I'd trade all that I own, for one brief additional visit - with mine.
Funny - came to San Diego "thinking" I'd discovered
a home "for my heart". Met a wonderful person headed in the same direction. Alas, we're on decidedly different paths. That's so typical for me - guess that's why it didn't affect me too much. Also, I'm certain we'll remain dear friends and I tend to appreciate that relationship above all others. 
"Home" - it's all I can think about right now. I'm
not a good traveler - at least not when I'm "alone". I function best in my routines - those rituals I call my life. I'm safer "there" - get me away from them too long - I'm left with more time to more seriously consider all that "I am" - all that I'm not. Never got on west coast "time" during this trip - arose each AM around 4:00...spent my mornings "thinking". Turned out - I probably thought - a bit too much. 
Know what I
think of when I consider the word "home"? The home of my grandparents - that pillar of family love that stood for generations - now gone - in the hands of a farming entrepreneur. My home where I grew up - "gone". My home in Atlanta? "Packed". My home in my mother's arms. "Buried" - along with so many other arms I love - arms I called "home".
I was flying "home" today to
something...but it's not "home". Awaiting me there - is a week's worth of problems. Remember that trepidation we all felt on Sunday night during our high school years when a test & a quiz awaited our Monday AM? Recollect that depression from the ending of a weekend? I'm sure there's a clinical name for it - it always felt dismal to me. That's how I felt.
I realized I didn't
want to "fly" home - I wanted to "go" home. But how could I go home - when there's no place to "go" to? It then occurred to me I "had" a home of which to go - via death. I could "see" my grandmother at some entrance, looked like a dirt road. Her arms were open - beckoning me home to my family - to all those loving arms I once called "home". A place where I'd be "me" - be beautiful - as I was loved, forever
The logic seemed strong - that made this fearful, in retrospect. I "live"
in the left - both in thought & lifestyle. Put them together - my course tends to become rigid - difficult to alter. I now felt trance-like - knew what I must do. Strangely, I didn't shed a single tear - was neither remorseful or fearful. Pulled the sheets & pillows from the hotel beds - made a place for myself upon the floor - my cradle - to "go" home. This was all very unplanned and that was very unlike me. Decided to slit my wrists - was a bit concerned. Heard of a number of people that tried that - "failed". I think I heard that blood can clot - takes a good bit of time "alone" for everything to work out. Was slightly frustrated I didn't bring my laptop where I could've easily "hopped on-line" & confirmed or denied my suspicions. Another problem? Only had one item available with a sharp enough "blade" - my pocketknife - feared I'd lose control with this single instrument. 
Put my plan into action. Went to the hotel rooftop and the breakfast buffet - all butter knives. Trekked to 7-11 across the street - acquired a second knife, a pack of razors for "insurance" & a cup of coffee. Called my ride to the airport - told them I'd made other plans - no reason to "pick me up". Called the front desk - arranged to stay another day - but told them to
cancel room service - I needed sleep. Chained the room door for additional security. Considered "Princess" - knew who'd care for her - and that she'd be "ok". Thought of my possessions...my "estate". Could be better organized for "this" - but decided fuck it - I could just as easily have crashed during my "flight" home and those remaining would face the same challenges sorting things out. Tried writing a detailed "note" to leave behind - only words I could muster? "I'm going home" - signed Renee - even included a "smiley face" below my name. Decided to check phone messages - make certain to deal with any issues that might cause someone to "track" me before my time was up - before I'd gone home. God, I was so pragmatic in my actions - that scares me "now". 
Anyway...my dear friend and future roommate had left me a pair of messages on Friday & Saturday. In the process of retrieving them through the weekend - I'd failed to delete the most recent. His voice was loud & booming - playful. But his final words were my saving grace. - "Get your ass back to Atlanta - and then come home, damnit". 
Tears streaked down my face. My brief taste of logic had been tested - and destroyed. Broke down into sobs - humiliated by all I'd become. Somehow crawled into the shower - holding "myself" like a straight-jacket constructed from
my own arms - wailing as I hit the tub floor, water trickling over my shaking body. Funny - I "quieted myself" - for fear I'd attract attention from another guest or the housekeeping staff - still wasn't 100% sure I wasn't going through with my original plan to "go home".
Pulled myself from the shower - didn't bother to towel off. Grabbed my cell phone
again - listened to John's words - "come home". Hugged the phone - fell asleep in my planned cradle of my new life - awoke about 30 minutes later. No logic remained to my initial plan. Decided to fly home - versus "go" home. Canceled my extended stay - accepted a few calls from friends - but kept my prior agendas to myself. Ended up confessing my actions to Darleen - she helped me though my shame & tears...
Epilogue
I'm ashamed of what
almost happened yesterday. I'm now more aware of how fragile I am at this moment. I'm back to focusing on the most fundamental of feelings - the most solid of support. I'm wary of any "place" - any "one" I don't know is a stalwart in my life. It's not much of a life at times - but it's what I have. I intend to build upon it. 
I often wonder why I'm the one still "above ground" when I consider all those graves. Dying is natural - birth is a wonder. Living? It can be a real bitch at times. Why am I
the one that's still "here"? I could go insane considering that. There must be a reason... I've survived too many "close calls" for there not to be. 
I'm
home now - in Atlanta...safe & sound. Played with & hugged on "Princess" - read the snail mail - reviewed the electronic media - prepared for my "tough" week. I'd prefer not to fret over this little nightmare for another moment. So..."Kevin" - "Tammy", etc. etc...please - don't start "calling" me today - checking on me - it's over. I did not include this entry to reflect upon it with friends. Besides - I had to cancel my cell phone - having 'lost" it - and I think I'm going to just get a new number. My home phone goes on "answer only" this week in prep for my move. I'll update my close friends with my new "numbers" soon. ((hugs))
That's funny - probably the strangest part of of this whole trip "home"? When I first arrived back in Atlanta - stopped off to smoke a cigarette...called in for messages via my cell. Guess what? I "lost" that damn phone - suppose I left it in the smoking "room". The instrument that saved my life - slipped from it, only hours later. 
Did
that mean something? I've no clue. Honestly - I'm through "thinking" about life and all its damn hidden meanings & mysteries - I'm just 'gonna try living it for awhile.
Works for me...
As Always,
Renee
injured reserve 2/26/03
Reflecting on my "state of mind" yesterday. The root of my problems? I keep trying to "run" - with a busted heel, sprained ankle, ripped seam, dangling hem, flat hair...
and PMS. *Laugh* 
I'm still hurting more deeply than I care to admit from my recent break up.
That's real. My health? It's not the best.  My financial condition is weaker than it should be. I'm "putting off" too many things - reacting, versus initiating. 
All
this means several things. First, I must postpone a few projects. That's challenging - I hate "stop & start". Second - I don't need to be "dating". I need my friends, period. I'm so very tired of being treated like a whore.
Please know
this, as well. As much as I absolutely adore my on-line companions - it's so very challenging for me to maintain constant communication in that regard. (No Anj - not you...chill out. *Laugh*). Most of you have no concept of the amount of mail and communication I must contend with answering questions, providing contacts, helping visitors, etc. - as I try to provide adequate support for the vision of this web site. I could easily spend eight hours each day responding appropriately in this manner. I can't afford to do "that". Likewise, if I visited with every person who'd like to "hook up" when they come through Atlanta, I'd never have one weekend to myself.
I'm perplexed on "what to do" regarding
aid for others. I have to do "this" - I owe that debt to the one that saved my life. However, it's very draining and I'm nowhere near full strength. Went to bed early last night, horrid ear infection. Phone rang at 1:30AM, - a tranny - I'm helping rid of chemical dependence. Long night. Heroin - Crack - Cocaine? We're worried about biological warfare? Trust me, it's already "here". 
I need to go on
injured reserve for awhile - cut my activities to a level more consistent with my limping loins. 
I'm tired - and its showing. 
Darleen & I are planning our "Banger Sisters" getaway for early April. We're going to overload the car, head south...with no particular agenda in mind. Miami - Tampa - Key West...the usual haunts. We're planning visits with certain friends, fer sure - but with no "schedule". Personally, I intend to "fall in love" - at least
once each day. *Laugh* I need that trip.
Whatever...
the high cost of abnormality 2/25/03
First off -
I'm tired. Couldn't sleep at all last night. Second, have a mild earache. That dull pain - saps energy.
This morning, I ran over to Gwinnett Mall - acquired a few essentials. Eventually, my body settled into the food court area for coffee & a bagel. Across my way - I spied an adorable clan of frazzled parents & energetic children.
Somebody - obviously just returned from a trip to Disney - as Mickey and his family of registered trademarks were well represented. I watched - for perhaps thirty minutes. I knew better than "that" - I know me - better than to do "that". I felt a familiar pressure building from my chest, fought that tear welling in my eye - no avail. The first one streaked downward - was lonely, for just that one moment. Got up - hit the bathroom, collected what was left of me... and bid farewell to another reminder of that life - the one, that passed me by.
Why couldn't I have been "normal"? I once appeared so normal - and tried so very hard to be so. Children...grandchildren...proms...family reunions (that I actually get invited to attend) I'm so very tired of being
different. Almost nothing in my life - is like any other. Did I do "this"? Was this my plan and purpose?
Everywhere about my little world, I deal with people's challenges. So few - are happy. I intimately relate - to almost no one. Too many spins of the bottle - left me stranded on some distant planet, Alone, even amongst my own species. I sometimes feel I'm living on life's event horizon. Those wild gravitational wonders to my right - the known universe to my left. I reside on
that edge - between those worlds. I belong to neither, but I'm a part of both.
It's called being "abnormal". And if you think this sounds "fun" -
you're fucking insane.
the streak ends at "87" 1/30/02
"Eighty-seven days". 
That's how long its been since we've been "here". Not bad, huh? Know what's strange? I shouldn't feel "down" - but I do. Granted, it's not too severe...but I'm hurting. 
What's wrong? Nothing
really - it's more about how very, very little seems "right". Does that make any sense? What else?
1. My health
is shit & I'm decidedly overweight. 
2. I'm "behind" on most project I'm involved.
3. "Dating?" *Laugh*
- whatever...
4. I'm tired of sleeping with my dog (Princess) - but become ill - at the thought of lying next to anyone I presently "know".
5. People keep "dying" around me. I can't handle much more death. 
6. The more
I do - the more I accomplish - the more I'm "different". This uniqueness makes me feel isolated.
Damnit - I'm crying. Why are these tears in my eyes? Is it that I'm afraid that with every new goal I accomplish - every additional dream I fulfill - I'm only distancing myself from all that really matters in this world...loving relationships with others? 
Transsexuals - by their very nature, are challenged in finding suitable lifelong companions. Simply stated: we're different. Now imagine "different" -
amongst the different. What am I supposed to f***ing do??? I like being unique - but I hate feeling like there's nobody out there - "just like me". 
Dating - is one portion of my transsexuality that I'm actually beginning to "hate". Beyond sex, beyond fun, beyond friendship...I just don't match-up
with anyone. If round pegs don't fit into square holes - you move pieces around... find a way. What do you do with a hexagon with nodules? No place to put that damn thing. I actually opened up a bit recently - started dating more. Obviously - the problem is "me" - it's been disastrous.
I assume I'm not supposed to find "this" - but rather, a person that accentuates my gifts -
and vice versa. A definite challenge is the broad range of my close friends. Fortune 500 CEO's, Glock-toting drug dealers, gays, straights, billionaires, homeless, whites, blacks, Asians, Latinos...name it - I run with 'em, and they are my friends! I'm very "safe" in my little worlds...but nobody else ever seems to feel that way. I sometimes feel that's because most people only see traits - worthless human details. I tend to only see the spirits...weird, huh? I never claimed to be "normal". Duh!
Coincidentally - I'm challenged by friends
I like - versus friends I genuinely " relate to". That make sense? I can almost always relate to others. I like them. I've been where they "are". Problem is - all things considered - very few people in this world have been quite where I have - and where I "am" now. This forces me to omit much of my life & feelings in conversations. That accentuates my loneliness.  
Still, there's been some good things recently. I "acquired" an absolutely
adorable pen pal - following a series of transactions on ebay. This lady - a high powered publisher in Boston - is so damn cool. "Fortunately" - she gained a bit of weight and decided to sell some of the finest clothes I've ever seen (cheap, cheap)  - all of which fit me like a glove. *Smile* We now write every day. I never had a "pen pal" growing up - but I'm understanding its appeal. We just share our days...bitch a little, laugh - and steer clear of heavy stuff. I like that!
Then there's "Darleen". No one in the world can pull me from a mild or severe "fit" of depression like my dearest friend. I'm convinced she's my "angel". Know how she does it? She tells me she loves me - and
I know that she means it. Then she just lets me babble - interjecting now & then. Before long - I don't recall what bothered me - and we've moved on to more interesting subjects ranging from fashion to face lifts - or how utterly boring most "straight" men are...*Laugh* The last person that could make me feel that comfy - was my mother. I'm thankful for "Darleen".
Screw it - I'm just babbling here. I'm tired. I'm lonely. I am - what I am. Just needed to "cry out" for a moment.
Back to the grindstone...
"alone" 11/03/02
I'm staring this f***ing screen - don't seem to know what to say. "Tell you what" - please don't ask me to explain all that's happened over the last 72 hours - I wouldn't even know where to start. 
Ever have "those" days?
You know - when there's so much "different" crap going on in your life - that you can't seem to remember a third of it?
The even worse part? Some "well meaning" soul looks at 'ya and flips out the 'ole "what's wrong"? You subsequently stare blankly in their eyes - without even knowing what to say, right? 
Me too...
Better yet - you mention a "single" subject - and they
immediately go into details on how "they" are dealing with the exact same thing. That - makes you want to slap them...really "hard". Then - you want to ask them what the f*** does my bad mood have to do with their life? I actually fantasized about doing "just that" in a conversation this evening. The mental imagery caused me to subsequently laugh "out load". Hey - at least it got me through the one-sided dialog I found myself buried.
"My God".
All a person needs is a heart felt hug from a friend - and that "friend" - just wants to talk about themselves. 
Whatever...
I'm not
really "depressed" right now. I guess I'm just feeling a bit "lonely" - in a most odd sort of way.  My projects and activities are so "broad" at this moment. The uniqueness and diversity of my dealings causes me to feel very "different" people I'm around each day. It's like....you need to talk to ten different people - to feel comfortable sharing ten different perspectives. You long - for a conversation with a person that shares more than one of your core situations.
The biggest challenge? Finding another at your same "level"? That's doubly hard as a transsexual. Simply stated - they're aren't very many of us out "there". Those that "are" - most cause me to be damn "thankful".
That's depressing! I'm such a fan of happy & successful lives. I find so few - in my lifestyle. Even marginal successes draw admiration by most. 
I choose to ignore the whole damn "game". It really bothers me when I can't discuss "my" projects - because others sometimes view them as "bragging". Know what I mean? I get really excited - want to share the basic details regarding a piece of art I located (affordably) that I spent a year seeking...and they cut me off with - "I wish I had that problem".  
"Well geez, thanks". Why don't we just spend the evening talking about your f***ing problems?    
Thus, I'm not relating well with many others. I hate
that feeling. You know - like nobody else understands exactly what you're feeling? 
I suppose most human hugs their pillow each night wondering if they're
really understood by any other soul in this world. 
I need to go to bed - but I'm not sleepy. Plus, I drank too much coffee. 
These - are the nights...I hate being "alone". Everybody needs a person in their life that cares about those silly successes and failures along the way of living. 
I miss my "mother".
much ado about nothing 10/04/02
Know something that really
pisses me off?
The number of people that consider "transsexualism" - as some sort of
personal decision - versus a "condition".
"Know what I mean?"
If I come down with a cold or flu - everybody screams for me to go see a doctor. Break a leg? I get rushed to the emergency room. I decide to "treat" a horribly challenging medical condition that's hindered my entire life?
Then - I'm a pervert - for "treating" it. What a world we live in...
On a positive note - I'm finally "balanced" with HRT. No more blood clotting issues - less bloating - fewer panic attacks. They changed my medication three times in the first sixty days - I got suicidal. Seriously. That sucked. Better now - except my body's "changing" faster than I planned. I get so tired of listening to euphoric psycho-babble from other tranny's regarding these "changes". It's a hindrance at this juncture - yet a necessity for development. I'm on low dosages - yet my body keeps adjusting rapidly. I can't let a stranger see me without a shirt. At this rate - I'm concerned I won't be able to wear a golf / short sleeve / t-shirt without "issues". Fuck. That means more changes in my "work" plan. 
A loving relationship with a person I find appealing? I'm genuinely laughing out loud right now. My specialty? 
They either:
  • Don't live near me
  • Already have a GF
  • Are too young
  • Or they're a card carrying member of "psycho's are us". 
Hey, at least I'm laughing about it.
I have no clue where I'll be living a year from now. Try as I may to "accept"
that - it feels so aimless. I'm trying so very hard just to "let go" - I just can't. 
I feel such guilt. I was born with so many gifts. I accomplished so much - so fast. I can make a difference - yet I can't figure out what I should be doing. 
I know in my
heart of hearts - this is just a "bad time". I understand this sort of upheaval is necessary for me to grow. I embrace that everything isn't a bed of roses. I'll look back and laugh - today I cry. 
I'm just tired. It's been a bad 24 hours. My publisher told me to "kiss off" after I informed them of my transition schedule. (Jee, thanks for the
great idea Miss Therapist). Seems I'm not ideally suited for the Cleavers. "Duh" - neither is my novel - you idiot publisher. I guess I should have drafted a vampire novel or something else more in line with my "freakish" status?
What am I supposed to do???
Do me a favor -
don't give me advice. If I have one person that "lives" in a transgender chat room offer me guidance on "living" my life - I'm 'gonna throw up. You don't know the "details" - and I'm not going to share them. 
I keep trying to sleep. I can't. I awake after only an hour's rest. I'm having horrible nightmares. I mean "horrible". Sometimes - I'm breathing so hard when I wake up that it takes my heart 15 minutes to reach normality upon arising. 
There's a path in front of - I just can't see it.   My toes can feel the bricks situated under the brush that hides my view. 
Baby steps - one at a time. It's my best option - for now.
I need sleep...
the highest cost of being "alone" 9/01/02 
This entry is more "contemplative" - than outright depression. Alas, it's where my head is - this AM.
Last night, as I logged onto my CPU - I noticed an article entitled "
Ten Secrets of Happy Couples" at my MSN entry page. I "clicked" and reviewed this "list". Not only did I agree with the author's assessments - but I walked away impressed with his economical explanations of "why" each particular habit was so very important. Take a looksie - see what "you" think. *Smile*
Anyway...
One "habit"
listed - was the importance of "hugging" one another ASAP - when you first reunite after work, etc. 
The author went on to mention...
"Our skin has a memory of 'good touches' (loved), 'bad touches' (abused) and 'no touches' (neglected). Couples who say hello with a hug keep their skin bathed in 'good touch', which can inoculate your spirit against anonymity in the world."
That entry - really struck a cord with "me" - but not necessarily in the context represented. Why? It never occurred to me that one reason I feel so unhappy at times - is that I'm suffering from a degree of "neglect". 
As a quick point of reference - I'm a "hugger"-
by nature. When I revisit a friend or say good bye to almost anyone - I "hug" them. However - those are "friendly" hugs - gestures of affection. Loving hugs - warm your soul. Do you know the kind of hugs I'm talking about? I realized - I no longer get or receive very many "loving" hugs. I'm not involved in a loving relationship. My closest friends and family are situated miles away from me. I have no children.
How important are loving touches? More important than I was giving them credit. A friend even informed me that studies on monkeys unveiled that an infant can "die" - if it's never touched. I never heard "that" before. 
I
knew that I "wanted" a loving relationship in my life. I understood that I "missed" having loving physical bonds with another individual. However - it never occurred to me - I might be "damaging" myself, by not making this a higher priority. 
I suppose - I was always spoiled. In years past, "mom"
was my primary source of "good touches" - when I was not involved in a loving relationship with another person. When I was involved with another - her touches felt all the more warm - like "icing" on the proverbial cake. She's been "dead" for a couple of years. While I've come to appreciate how much I miss her friendship - as well as her unconditional love - I didn't understand how much I missed her "touch' - until just now.
The Internet plays a role in my neglect. While on-line chat and email are nice - they lack the opening and closing "physical touches" so essential to me - as a living & breathing creature. While I might leave a chat room with "hugs for all" - or sign-off an email with a "kiss" - I don't physically "touch" those individuals.
Generally speaking, I've found that embracing transsexualism causes a person to become more isolated "physically speaking" - than living in a singular gender. It's more challenging to find "loving touches". Most people that reach for you - have "lust touches"
in mind. Relationships in this lifestyle - are challenging - at best. Also, friends have an awful habit of coming "in & out" of your life more rapidly than before. They'll decide they need a break from "this" - and your friendship becomes part of that "break". I even have good friends I can't "call" - because of issues they face with spousal indiscretion. These situations - suck!   
While I've recognized and embraced all these facets in my life - it
still never occurred to me that one by product of my habits could be a case of "physical" neglect.
I contemplated my situation for almost an hour - even shed a few tears. (No biggie - I always do "that" *Laugh*) I realized that - at present - my "dog" is the only
real source of "loving touches" in my life. 
I'm "thankful"
for that. 
I'm "horrified"
by that. 
What should I do - rush out in search of loving touches? Nah - I'm convinced "rushing" anything in the area of love - will result in the likelihood of abuse - versus love. 
A good friend suggested I give "massage therapy" a try. That
might help bridge this gap in my life. I hope so - I'm going to "try" it. 
Can't say I have a suitable answer (for me) to this issue at present - but identifying a problem - is half the battle in resolving it...
right? 
I sure hope so...
the abyss 7/23/02 
Whoa...
I had a
very rough day, today - emotionally speaking.
I honestly don't recall getting "this" depressed
in years.
"Know what's
extra strange?"
I'm not even sure "why"?
That - scares me.
I seem to be "absorbing" so much pain & suffering. It no longer "bounces off". 
Know what I mean?
I encountered a group of white supremacists this AM. 
I "cried" after listening to their rhetoric. 
My tears weren't for the hatefulness of their comments directed towards "my type". Rather, I shed them over "sorrow" - I felt
for them. 
So much
pain - so much anger.
Nothing seems "right" at present...
...many of my dear friends face challenges.
...the Middle East is a mess.
...terrorist attacks seem imminent at every holiday.
...the stock market is crushing us all.
...little girls are being kidnapped & tortured.
"What am I doing?"
With all my God-given talent - I stay busy focusing on female fashions and transitioning my body to a preferred gender.
That - doesn't cause me to feel good "about me".
I've had to "change" my hormone regimen three times - in order to resolve blood clotting issues. 
I'm pretty sure "that" is the root of my depression.
"I sure hope so."
"This" -
sucks.
see saws 7/05/02 
Figured I'd better include an "update"
here - as people seemed convinced I'd "lost my marbles" - after that last entry. *Laugh* 
I was exhausted the last couple of weeks. It showed. I'm just damn busy right now with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I love mornings like "this". 
It's a lovely day.
"I'm relaxed".
I spent a pleasant evening with old & new comrades. 
Enjoyed a full 4th of July - chatting with a dear friend visiting from out of town. 
I'm rested. 
I spent an hour researching and planning a future addition to my art collection. 
I love doing 'that". 
I spent all day Tuesday sorting my wardrobe. 
Three new ensembles were born - killer. 
I
relish fashion design. 
I hate mornings like this. 
I'm alone. 
I'm destined for a "different" life. 
I tried living "normal" - I really did. 
I simply can't. 
I am - "what I am". 
I detest the lack of smoothness in my facial skin. There's so much cosmetic work to be done before I'm "presentable"
as a woman. 
"That's frustrating. 
It's depressing. 
I witness a family at the grocery this AM - kids running around the cart, "mom" shopping, "dad" holding
reign. 
Why couldn't - I - ever be
that? 
It's called "life"
I have
so "much".
I have
so "little".
I have "everything".
I have "nothing".
This - seems the eternal destiny of "today's" transsexual. 
"Up" -
and down. 
"Down" -
and up. 
"Do you know what I'm talking about?"
It's a battle over "who we are" - and who we
are not.
An insightful person tells me: The "journey" is what life's
really about.
They're "right". I know they're "right".
That bothers me.
Transsexualism has a way of constantly putting "life on hold". 
Or perhaps better stated: "It tends to cause one to put
happiness on hold - via certain prerequisites - or conditions."
"Know what I mean?"
Waiting for "this".
Waiting for "that".
Waiting...
I hate "waiting".
What am I waiting for?
Damnit.
Quit
this "Renee". 
Happiness is a "choice".
Choose to be happy, you stupid bitch!
Carpe Diem 
when insanity seems sane 6/27/02 
Tonight I spoke with a very dear friend. He's also the closest thing I have to a "father". 
We hadn't spoken in some time. I always seem to be "hesitant" to talk with him when I'm insecure in "who" - or "what" -
I am. At times, our conversations remind me of speaking to my own conscious - although he holds me accountable better than I do - to myself.
What is "insanity"?
A loss of touch with "reality"?
Then what is "reality"?
The world before my eyes - or the dimensions of light refracted by my eyes? Is it the floor before my feet - or the millions of stars above my head? Is it the monitor in front of me - or the polymer molecules beneath it? 
I never seem to really "know"
that? 
"Does anyone?"
Here's a picture of how "strange" my world gets at times...
I took a nap on Monday - and subsequently dreamed I was perched atop an inordinately large nucleus of protons. I could
see other "beings" atop other atoms in the distance - but the light generated from the surrounding electrons caused their faces to be indistinguishable. I was somehow able to slow "my" electrons to a point where I could count them - in number. I then realized "I was a proton". I understood I was a small part of the combined source of something much larger. For a brief moment - my subconscious comprehended the meaning of life. Try as I did - I couldn't recall this important insight once I awoke. I have such nightmares often.
Now you understand why "my friends" mean so very much to me.
Reality - is a warm smile from a person you love. 
The "rest" -
is insanity...
tears of life - and living 5/28/02 
I can't say I'm too "happy" about the fact I'm already  including another entry in this "department" - so soon after the last one. 
But, that's life...
I'm not that I'm actually "down" par say. It just seems I'm "crying" so very easily.
 
I wonder - what that "means". 
I'm finding I relate to so many different "situations". 
"Songs" - bring tears. 
"Movies" - bring tears.
"Commercials" - bring tears. 
This - is not totally new. Emotion packed sequences on the radio & television have always caused my eyes to swell up.
However - not like "this".
I'm now "crying" - at least once each day. 
I seem to relate to "all" messages designed to touch the nerves of  
There nothing so horrid as having no other person who
really "cares" about the minor wins & losses in your life.
kryptonite 5/10/02 
Everybody has that "one" subject
or circumstance - that can almost immediately drain their precious "life force".
"Do you
know what I'm talking about?"
Yeah, I thought you might. ((hugs))
We've
all got them...
You know what's weird? My "kryptonite" - is often "other" transsexuals.
A lot of people who know me "publicly" consider me
silly - and playful. Whether I'm in a night club, public forum, or chat room - it's difficult to "pull" me into a conversation deeper than the "local weather".
My closest friends know "why this is". 
It's because I tend to take life
far too seriously. Also, I never learned to hear another person's problems - and not "carry" it with me.
I visited a total of "two" - TS support groups meetings - in the last twenty years. They
sickened me. The agendas reminded me far less of "support" - and more like a group of alcoholics validating and supporting one another - regarding their continued drinking. 
I don't confuse "support" - with
an addiction to transsexualism.
I'll give you this one key insight that helped me towards finding
daily "happiness".
Transsexualism - is a condition. It can be likened to the color of one's skin. It's not something you choose. 
Rather, it's a status - that "chooses" you.
Like many "conditions" - it can create bad habits. For example: you might "smoke cigarettes" - to calm your nerves. However, blaming your addiction to nicotine "on your nerves" - is like a murderer on death row who blames his abusive father - for causing him to kill an innocent victim. 
Make no mistake. Most of the "bad habits" we face as transsexuals are a result of our own poor choices - not the prejudices and challenges from the world around us.
You can be a "victim" or you can be a victor. The choice - is always yours...
Transsexualism - is not a condition of happiness. No "condition" is. 
The day you learn "that" - and understand what I'm
really "saying" - will be the day you decide to remain happy...
On Another Note...
Jeez! Did I ever get a "reality check" the other night...
I rented the movie "K-Pax". 
"Have you seen it?" 
It's pretty good. I always enjoy well orchestrated scripts - that "stretch" your mind.
Anyway - at the close of the film, Kevin Spacey's character selects a person to "return" with him to his home planet. Each prospective "candidate" from Bellevue Hospital - provided a written list of reasons why they should "be the one" to accompany him back to K-Pax. He selected an obscure character gal that simply wrote: "I have no home".
When the camera brought these words came into focus - "I cried".
Then, I cried some more. "Then" - I really cried.
I realized this "problem" is the root for much of
my hesitation in "moving forward" with certain aspects of my life.
Why did "this"
hit me so very hard? 
As a child, I was blessed with a strong sense of "home". Up until a couple of years ago, I could always return home to Kentucky for a favorite meal and my mother's waiting arms. Just a year before "that" vanished, I would often trek to our family farm in North Carolina - where generations of my heirs had been born & raised. Even my home in Atlanta provided a decent sense of "home" for my weary head. 
All - are
now "gone".
I recently believed that I should arrange my life to be more "nimble" - as I had enjoyed during my earlier years. I wanted to be in a position to travel with ease - as I searched for my "special place" in this world. 
I now comprehend I can't undertake this important journey - with the same wanderlust of years past.
Why not? 
Because I no longer possess the pillars of "home" - that supported my prior adventures.
I'm not certain exactly "how" I'm going to resolve this issue. I've already "changed" so much. However, one must first identify a problem - before they can "resolve" it - right?
I need to solve this one. No matter how energetic I might
seem - my strength is derived from a strong sense of "home". 
swimming from the depths 3/26/02 
I'm feeling
much "better" these days. 
Granted, I'm not "quite" back to the rag-tag, free-for-all
wild woman - you've come to know in years past - but I'm better. *Smile*
"Know why?"
As I'm sure you're already "aware" -
depression - is rooted in a sense of "loss of control" - in one's life. You know - when you feel no "sense" of how to control the direction of your life.
Such aimlessness leaves you to float in life's fierce ocean - like a ship without a rudder.
Historically, I'm
not one to feel "out of control". I tended to know where I'm going - and "why" - throughout my life. My plans for "transition" - changed a lot of "that". I naturally gravitated towards my tried-and-true "process" of mentoring to find another that might illuminate my "path". 
That - was a huge mistake. It depressed me greatly. Honestly, I discovered most tranny's were emotional and financial disasters. They were lonely. Was "this" what I had to look forward to?
I finally realized "they" - were simply "they" - not me! I recognize "that" sounds like a fairly simple "observation" - but it was challenging to "let go of" - for yours truly. I've had much success in my life from mentoring. Not finding one for this most important quest - frightened me. I'm no longer "scared" - I'm
ready! *Smile*
I hope you won't find too many more entries in "this section". I feel I'm almost clear of most of the issues tht caused me depression. 
Hopefully, I'm "right" - about that. *Smile*
an "observation" 3/03/02 PM
I thought a good bit on my earlier frustrations - and arrived at an interesting "observation". No solution - but I find it's essential
to identify a "problem" - before I stand a chance of "solving it".
My life - is somewhat "in the middle"
right now. I'm taking my time - with "transition". That causes problems with interpersonal relationships. 
Do you
know "why"?
Because I'm faced with "conditionalized associations"  -
all around me. 
Some old friends and special relationships - are "conditional" regarding my "transition. As I go further - they'll become more uncomfortable with my life - and lifestyle.
Other "relationships" are somewhat conditional on "where I'm not" - in terms of my status -
with transition. They only feel comfortable "with me" as a lovely woman...not some "freak" - living in the middle of genders. 
The result? 
I feel constant push & pull - regarding affections. 
That "hurts" -
and it's lonely.
a long & winding road 3/03/02 AM
Damnit! 
"Depressed" - on a Sunday AM.
That sucks...
Why am I "down"? 
I feel "ugly". Ever feel
that way? 
Ever feel your "body", you "life" - and your lifestyle -
are not pretty?  
I keep reminding myself "this" is not
a destination - "it's" a journey. 
One reason for my depression? I'm always in the middle of "major" projects. You know...it seems everything I "work on" takes months - even years to garner
any "gratification". Transition only adds one more "large chip" to my woodpile.
I usually
enjoy large & complex projects. However, I don't relish the "sense of worthlessness" I feel when I get overwhelmed with living. There's no one there to share minor successes with along the way.
Yep! I'm lonely. "That's"
what it is.  
I've come to the conclusion "friends" - are only "band aids" -
to feelings of isolation. Real warmth comes from "one special person" in one's life. Having already lost my family - I more easily feel "this" need'.
I abhor "that" need. I feel it conditionalizes my inner "happiness" - and I hate
that. 
Matters aren't helped by the fact I tend to attract the strangest, most confused, or insincere types into my life. I've gotten to a point I don't "trust" anyone.
I recognize "not trusting people" is not a new thing. However, "being a tranny" - adds an additional dimension to "trust". Why? You not only have to deal with adept "liars" - but you're also forced to evaluate if a person is "lying to themselves" - regarding their ability to embrace "this" - as an everyday part of their life & lifestyle.
I can't begin to "add up" the number of friends I've made
in this lifestyle - that simply "vanished". That - can take a toll on your soul - particularly when you invest a part of yourself in the "relationship".
I need to go "volunteer" today. I'm feeling sorry for myself...
more "alone" than ever... 2/21/02
I'm "down" this early AM. I discovered a transsexual I once cared for &
believed was on the same "path" as myself - has opted to pursue a career as "an escort" instead. I have no issues with the "escort" business. It's intoxicating at times - being wined & dined. It's also brutal - on the heart & emotions. Almost every stunning young tranny "gives it a whirl". I could never do "it" - I'm such a wimp when it comes to needing "love" in order to offer my body to another. 
I'd starve if I did "it"
anyway. I suppose I should be "thankful" I wasn't born "pretty". *Laugh* Gotta add that "one" to my list of things to be thankful for...
This was doubly hard for me to "swallow" (no pun intended). I had lunch yesterday with another tranny
a doctor "swore" to me - was living the life I "envision". Far from it - damnit.
Is my "dream"
...impossible? Can a transsexual really "do" - what I have in mind in today's age and time...and be happy? The only strength I'm leaning on "is a plan" that makes good sense. It's "made" of paper - does that mean "I am"? 
I hate starting a day like this. Time to read my "affirmations" and get my fat ass in gear.
Life is what you make of it "Renee". You're only "as good"
as your heart. And your heart is only "as good" - as the love "inside". 
Loving myself - and others around me - is my best foundation.
Go.....
10-01 - scc depression
It was at the recent SCC convention that I became so acutely aware how far ahead I was in my transgender understanding and development - and thus - how far off we are as a "group" from any real progress.
I'd been under the impression we were in the midst of discovering a brave new world. Now I'm convinced we haven't even yet hit Plymouth Rock. At first this depressed me. I felt
let down - and in the midst of something bad. After thought - I embraced this truism for what it is - and enjoyed my time with other gals at the convention.
Transgenderism has a long way to go before it will play any meaningful role in daily life. Still - it's in my life -
and I like it.
it's been awhile - 09/26/01
It's been awhile since I recorded my thoughts "to me". The recent attack on the World Trade Center by terrorists seemed to minimalize many of my personal issues -
at least temporarily.
I feel a sense of "closure" -
coming about over mom's death - and the absence of "family". I'm beginning to feel a need to get on with my life - as I know she'd want me to. It's been so hard losing her, my sense of family, my "base" in Owensboro - so many stabilizing and defining factors. I think although I planned and tried to get on with things - my heart just would not muster the energy to "move". Now - I think I'm about ready to tackle such issues - and get on with things.
I also "think" I know what I want - now & in the future. One insight I've found compelling recently is a need to define a specified amount of money to be attained from my business interests. I also need to set reasonable goals and how I'll achieve them "income wise" for me new paths. I don't have the assets to do all these things
for free - and I can't "get down" about what I won't be able to acquire or achieve. I need to simply embrace a path I find appealing. I see that path, I see how to get "to it". And I feel ready to reestablish my life journey.
One thing I do know is
I need "my friends" - and to be desired and desire another human. Smiling has become something I really enjoy - I'm finding I genuinely like my smile.
try giving thanks - 08/20/01
I've felt myself reach so very far
into "despair". I've developed a "half full" cup mentality - versus "full". I think I should try showing more thanks and appreciation for all the gifts I've received in my life - versus being remorseful over the loss of "some" - or the lack of attainment "of others".
"Giving thanks" each day is crucial to establishing
this mindset. I need to give thanks for having had family that loved me - and set examples for loving others - versus fretting over their loss.
God I miss everybody...
love and isolation - 08/05/01
I find myself methodically isolating myself from the world around me. 
Did
losing mom cause me to lose confidence in ever having another human being love me unconditionally "just the way I am". She was the last person left in my life I felt "this" with...
I can't release the horror I experienced when I looked through that camera lens at the grave site and saw everyone buried so closely together. Why am I the one who is still alive? Too many graves filled by people better than me...it makes me feel guilty I'm breathing.
I'm leaning much more heavily towards a highly controllable 'perfect world" - free of love - and the " dependence" of another. I find tremendous safety in the idea of living a life filled with "order". 
That's sickening.