A Wife's Guide to Managing Her Transgender Husband
Perhaps you started off like so many t-girl spouses. You were not aware of his other woman when you walked down the aisle to say I do. When you did discover his unique interest, you decided you loved him - and found a way to let him enjoy his little hobby - after a great of of coaxing on his part. You began to achieve some occasional pleasure from his activities and enjoyed the added attention and appreciation he shared for your support. He could be so cute when dressing - but more in the way a puppy is cute. He was relatively easy to please and coddle. It didn't take much to pacify his desires.
Suddenly, you wake up and discover she is changing - and you don't like what you see. You notice a bit of a vixen attitude on the horizon, and a girl not so easy to manage. What was once a dirty little secret between the only two of you - has been shared with other people like himself he's discovered on-line. Seems the intimacy of the whole adventure is going right out the window. What the hell is going on??
If you haven't already done so, you better be prepared to meet that green faced gal with the triangular hat you once knew as your loving male. We'll call her the Wicked Witch of Transgenderism - but deep in your memory banks you already know her true identity. Your little girl - has become a teenager! Oh, shit!! *Laugh*
stop and think teen
You really must be feeling a degree of vindication at this point. How many of you out there have been saying your man acts like "a teen" anyway?
Seriously, do you recall what your teen years were like? I'll bet you wouldn't wish those tumultuous days of insecurity, sexual discovery, and caddy friends on anybody!! Before you totally freak out, consider the positives.
Fortunately, your guy/girl has a lot more real life experience than when you went through this period of life. This should cause him to grow through this phase of adjustment rapidly - with your love and support.
It isn't always a pretty process. Remember, we're dealing with the dirty mind of a 40-year old man - housed within a 14 year old female persona. Sounds like Frankenstein, no? At the very least, Frankenstein's Bride.
As ugly as all this might sound, you have the keys to make it work - because you've already been where he is right now! Naturally, you must factor in those issues which are unique to your personal situation - but I'm going to give you a few thoughts which might help.
Signs of growing up
Most women notice the changes in their gal by the amount of time she starts requesting to dress. It will seem as though it's basically "all the time". In fairness, please consider that he's probably spent decades being unable to accept this craving within himself - let alone openly enjoy it. It's only natural that he would want to more fully explore such a pent up desire.
Many women respond to this increased intensity by calling a halt to the whole process. Is this the best route?
Think teen. What would you have done if mom & dad cut out your fun time? If you were like many teens, you'd moan a bit, be grouchy, and if your grounding persisted - you'd start finding a way around the supervision. Cutting your gal off at the knees might be a convenient way to keep her in one place for the moment - but make no mistake - she usually can and will find a way to wheel herself out of prison.
It's like making a person hold their need to pee. As much as you'd like to think otherwise, she did not choose to have to do this - it's just nature taking its course!
I've seen two consistently successful courses of action in this area. First, carefully balance his needs and wants through guidelines, agreements and discussion. He / she will need to get out - help this occur safely - but agree on the rules of engagement. Encourage her to make high quality friends (remember that one your parents tried pulling)? It's a good idea. Friends cause us to have to measure up to a higher level of qualities. Teen girls need this sense of measurement to stay clear of trouble.
Finally, increase the dose - when he least expects it. As his skill with dressing improves, the time and effort required to reach his basic look becomes a bigger and bigger chore. Don't let him off the hook by only letting him dress on Friday night one weekend in every month. Cram it down his throat once in awhile!! Nothing will acquaint your gal with the horrors of femininity quite like having to get done up each and every day.
The American Cancer society uses this same method to get people to quit smoking. To reduce the required frequency of his dressing - let him overdose a bit on it - like a smoker inhaling seven packs of Marlboro Lights the day before they quit. Nature can help take care of the rest.
Also, force her to earn her keep. Forget making him clean the house in a French Maid's uniform - he'll likely relish that option. Instead, make him wash and iron his own stuff and keep it well organized.
I really think there needs to be a non-sexual t-girl academy - where new girls can go off, learn everything they need to know - and more importantly - get a lot of things out of their system. Until that time, you'll just have to work your way through it like the rest of us have - by creating your own!
This probably should be (and more than likely is) your biggest concern about your gal growing up. Although it might go unspoken - you can literally sense the increased sexual desires building in your gal. I will not lie to you. His growth in femininity often translates into a desire for affections - as a female.
Often, this desire will translate into an interest into another t-girl. Most every dresser I've ever known has some sort of sexual attraction to certain other t-girls. Most don't go any further with their thoughts than fantasy.
A lot of genetic women get concerned about this for a variety of reasons - some valid - some a little more like wives tales. Typically, he will translate this desire into sexual fantasies with a t-girl prettier than himself. Unfortunately, beyond the home VCR unit, these girls will have little interest in a neophyte crossdresser. Why???? Unless he's a natural born Elizabeth Taylor, it's kind of like a freshman girl with braces being attracted to the senior captain of the football team. They are just not in the same worlds.
If he's not able to fulfill a desire with other t-girls, he will sometimes end up in the embraces of a masculine male. His role is needing attention as a woman. Is all this starting to ring a bell? Do you recall these feelings in junior high school? I warned you that you had a teen on your hands, didn't I? His attraction to a masculine male is governed by a number of things - but unless he is really homosexual (rare) - his desire is not really sexual based - but recognition based.
Most heterosexual cross dressers will never traverse the sexual line and be intimate with a masculine male. Most despise the thought of being considered gay or even bisexual. However, since they can relate totally with a t-girl really being a woman - they will sometimes conclude they are not engrossed in a bisexual experience but rather - a heterosexual adventure. Only a teen could come up with such a unique distinction!
Think teen. Many women who are accepting of their tg spouse, feel they have already given a great deal by accepting all this - and really feel they should not have to deal with his sexual leanings. Hello???? We are talking about a teenage girl honey. Does it really matter what you think? Teens are inherently selfish creatures. Just letting her dress won't be enough - sorry!
Most all of us have a need to be desired as women. And we will do some insanely stupid stuff to satisfy that need. If you'll recall your teen years, the times when you made the right decisions were usually a function of not wanting to hurt people you loved, fear of reprisal, and peer pressure. Again, you see the important impact of quality friends in a similar situation. Like most teen parents, your prayer is always that your love, teachings, and support will cause your young gal to exercise safe judgment when faced with hormonal urges.
I find gals who are in relationships they consider supportive and balanced - are the last ones to experiment - without prior written approval.
Grown up issues
Sex between the two of you during this period of your gal's t-life - can be a little tough at times. However, it will be worth it to you to help him through this process. There is an additional payoff from all your effort. Most men have sex all their lives like a teenager - missing the more sensual experience of bonding physically with another human. They usually don't discover this intimacy - until they are of an age where nature forces them to slow down and study the grape - before taking a sip of the wine. By getting your gal through this tough phase, you will have accelerated the process of producing a male lover who is much more in touch with the real beauty - and miraculous gift - known as sex.
Under my intimate relations section you'll find some ideas on the details of having quality sex with your gal. Unfortunately, it can be a bit more challenging in her teen years. It certainly was with me. Happiness during this phase is a function of giving her what she wants while you still get what you need. Your biggest nightmare is when she starts playing little role playing games where she is the lovely female - and expects you to treat her as such. A lot of women get irritated with their guy stealing their character - in the sexual chess board.
Think teen. Here's the real problem: She wants to be desired as a woman. Consequently, she often wants to assume some traditionally female roles in sex. Think about some of your thoughts when you were much younger. - that's the girl you have on your hands right now. Oh brother, huh? Just remember how easy you were to manipulate back then. (Hint, hint)
You will likely feel at times your gal has a desire for a guy - I'm not going to go into the details that might get you thinking that way. Some t-girls do desire men - but most are simply desiring recognition. A few girls are lucky enough to be desired by the world from their online photographs - and that solves it for them. The rest of us have to fight for the minor accolades we can garner.
Don't get too frustrated when you offer her a cookie like you look great - and she turns into a 10 lb. ham by responding I really, do don't I? and / or Have you seen how everybody looks at me - and wants me?
Before you throw up...just keep repeating to yourself - this is a child, this is a child.... *Laugh*
It is truly a delicious twist of fate when a man starts to worry about his waistline - and how it affects his dress size. Regardless of the many frustrations you might have endured to date - you really must stop and take pleasure in that realization. All those honey, you look fine comments on a flat hair day - have now come back to haunt him! I love it!! *Smile*
The danger of insecurity is in how he arrives at becoming secure. Remember the high school slut who was basically the most insecure of all the girls? Or how about the Prom Queen who was running a very close second? I'm sure you know that if you clamp down too hard on a teenage girl suffering from hormonal imbalance - you are asking for big-time trouble when it comes to what she might end up doing. She might even revolt - just to spite you - particularly if she has had a few drinks and finds herself in a situation where a prospective lover is whispering in her ear. And you can forget about a spanking - too many gals would love for you to pursue this course of action. *Grin*
Think teen. My advice? Love her! Nothing will keep a young girl on the path of righteousness like knowing she is loved. I know it sounds silly, but I've seen so very few t-gals state with conviction they knew they were loved by their spouses. The former is concerned about not getting caught. The latter is concerned about not being loved - a far greater consequence.
One issue that can arise in this vein is clearly distinguishing between cheating and sort of cheating. You know how teens can stretch a definition. You really need to agree on a very clear set of rules - and plainly define all potential parameters. If I dance with someone, am I cheating? If I get my ass grabbed, am I cheating? If I allow someone to grope my body, did I cheat? You get the picture.
Good communication - as always - is the key to success.
The pay-off of parenting your teen
Of all the friends I have in the world, less than 2% even know about Renee. Yet of those couples I admire most, 98% are transgendered. Why? Transgender marriages that go through the growth pains of t-ism - are really no different than other highly successful marriages. They are successful because some event occurs - which FINALLY forces the man to open up his inner feelings and expose his soul.
As men, we are most often taught to be tough - not realizing how much more difficult it is to love.
Your man's feminine expression is your ticket to real intimacy in the relationship - a rare occurrence. You probably have already accused him of acting like a child half the time before you knew about all this. Might as well kill two birds with one stone and finally get a full time grown up out of the deal with both of his personas!
One thing he will very likely agree on is that you can deal with this - for he holds a woman in the highest regard. Never mind how he acts otherwise. And that, my dear - is a very special man indeed!
Have fun sweetheart!
Additional Chapters in This Section Include:
Tips for Wives and Girlfriends of Crossdressers
Loving a Transgender Person
Managing Your Transgender Partner
Finding Love as a Transgender Woman