"gotcha" - didn't i?
"Sorry" - I just couldn't pass up on "that" heading". I'm amazed how quickly people are drawn to "that word".
Here - I discuss some issues with "sex" - but mostly I explore my current thoughts on love - and relationships...
love hurts 7/31/03 - 8:30AM
"Ahem" - felt I better update this entry sooner rather than later. Can you say "Renee was kinda tired last night?" *Laugh*
Let's face it. If these journals disclose any one thing about me - it's that I'm human. Thus, I'm flawed - big time. I like to believe there's merit in disclosing such flaws without fear. Makes me feel - even more human. If you've met me - you've not witnessed these sides of my persona. I'm animated - oft the life of any party. I'm driven - obsessed with the accomplishment of certain goals. Neither trait clearly represents who I am - rather - they're how I usually present myself. Likewise, I'm not as despondent as these journals probably cause me to appear. I usually inscribe here when I'm contemplative. Pensiveness rarely equates to vibrancy. Make sense?
I'm alone. That hurts. I'm aware of how lonely I am - that stings even further. Still - I'm alive. That means - I still have hope.
I'll take "hope" over every other trait I endear - combined.
birthday reflections 6/03/03
Welp - today, is my birthday. Forty-two years old...and still a virgin, no less. *Grin* Yeah, yeah - whatever. At least I'm not lying about my damn age! *Laugh*
Spent a decent portion of last night deliberating my crazy life. Know what? All in all - I'm pleased. I've already "lived" more than most, experienced such a broad array of good, bad, extraordinary, and butt-ugly. My prospects for future success are excellent - even at this snail's pace that's driving me insane.
Of course, my biggest upcoming goal is the successful transition of my gender. However, got lots more to follow "that". Most notably...
- Acquiring & setting up a new home that's ideally suited to enjoy life and entertaining guests while also relishing my success in art & antique collecting. What can I say - I'm a decorator at heart.
- Writing and publishing my two books and building a little fashion enterprise into a viable business as an openly transsexual person.
- Reestablishing my magic/DRAG act - Bigger, badder, better - and doing a couple of large productions each year for charity. Yep, she's not only a decorator...but also a "ham"...*Laugh*
- Filling the holes in my art collection and subsequently editing and publishing it's related web site designed to teach beginning collector's how to successfully utilize on-line resources to acquire art and eventually "placing" the site & collection in a small museum.
The only pill that's tough to swallow? Knowing I'll probably be alone for the rest of my life. Granted, I'm not "lonely" - doing a much better job of cultivating friends and appreciating those special associations in my life. By "alone" I mean without that one special person. Strangely, accepting this fate seems to frustrate me more than it depresses me. Honestly, with all I'm doing...all I have planned? I need a damn partner in life! Overwhelmed at times and it's only going to get worse.
I'm such a strange unit and I find so few people appealing, relationship-wise. Starting to think my best option for ever finding such a union is with another transsexual. Can't say exactly "why" I feel that - never met one that I felt that way about. More of "instinct" versus an insight.
Another year goes by in my life. I'm still here, I'm smiling - and I'm dreaming...
deliberating love 5/29/03
Hate when I find myself with extra time to "think". Gets me in trouble - do best, stay healthier - when I don't "think"...too much.
Been a challenging set of days. My life? It's getting intense. Exciting? Yep - that too. However, with each forward movement comes these little "hits", occasional dents, minor cuts - even a few deep gashes. Makes 'ya "want someone" - to help the healing. Ever just want to be "held"? You know...by someone who cares enough to simply "hold" you?
I'm blessed with a loving & caring roommate. I'm honored with many wonderful friendships. But...I'm lonely for that one "love".
Embraced I'll never find "it" - so few humans ever "do". Add my transsexuality to the equation? Duh! Still..."acceptance" doesn't change yearning. Know what I mean? A person can accept the loss of a lower limb - but that doesn't change their desire to "run". I'm human. Thus, I yearn for love - goes with the species.
So hard. Neither my mind or body can recall the last time I was lovingly "held" for an evening. Lustfully? Yeah, whatever... Was totally rejected recently by someone I really desired. I'm not talking sexual - I'm talking "love". Can't describe how much that hurt. Never felt so ugly in my entire life. Still not past the pain.
Sadly, love - is the one dream I can't "implement". Who in God's name matches well with someone like me? Wish I knew. I'm not easy to "love"...lotsa', lotsa' issues get me in trouble. Know what else? Those issues are getting more pronounced with each year I grow older. Not sure I'm fit for loving any longer. Hate that feeling.
Dreading my birthday next week. Getting older? F*** that - I'm fine with aging. But growing older "alone"? That pill goes down like a razor blade.
"Love"...what a concept.
The way I see it? A human soul without love is like a heart without blood. It "exists" - but with no real purpose - no meaning for being. The harder that heart pumps, the more it's reminded...it has no use. One day - it just quits pumping...what's the point without the blood? I have a loving soul - just can't seem to find its mate. Can feel myself bleeding - losing - too much blood. Not sure my soul will want to continue this journey if the well eventually runs dry. What's the purpose - without a "purpose"?
Shit, I'm crying...
Gotta' quit "thinking" - gets me in trouble...
loneliness revisited 4/30/03
Thought a good bit about my entry yesterday. A few additional deliberations...
Chatted with one of my "bestest" genetic femme GF's - always insightful. One irritating point? The constant comparison's such women make regarding "us" - to them. Folks, you simply cannot compare a TS with a genetic-born femme. There's stunning women, average ladies - and some gals, with a bit to be desired. But never - do they awake and have to "prove" their gender to the world. I must do that - every f***ing day.
All of us strive to express & be accepted for "who we are" - that's human nature. Artists spend a lifetime expressing such imagery. Poets riddle us with insights. We all crawl in bed each night - wondering..."does anyone in this world really know - who we are"?
However, only gays & tranny's deal with "what" they are.
Because we still live in a world that's yet to accept us as "born this way" - versus we "decided' to be this way. I can't even get to the thoughtful process of "who" - still mired, in "what".
This isn't about "appearance". That's relatively easy. Enough money - most anyone can resemble a Cover Girl. The problem? We're deemed forgeries - considered worth far less, than any original. At every other turn, my femme loins are scrutinized for signs of counterfeiting. I'm now caught up in improving my feminine presentation. I want to be a pretty woman, I'm willing to work for "that" - and I appreciate how such glamour can help me with my goals. I'll be an excellent forgery - and I'll take pride in that.
Likewise, adversity has little to do with loneliness. Can aggravate it - but it's not a root cause. Loneliness is made up of being "alone". Feeling that way is most easily affected by being different. Openly transsexual people are considered very "different". I'm somewhat "different" amongst this small & singular crowd. That - is a recipe for loneliness. You think I'm not going to feel "lonely"? Give me a break.
I sometimes wonder if I was born on the wrong planet, an innocent "mix-up" at a galactic infirmary. I speak mathematical linguistics that perhaps, maybe - twenty other persons on the 3rd Rock - even comprehend. Know what it's like to not speak your native tongue? You learn the local dialect, struggling at times. You adapt, to everyone else. You tire, when there's no one adapting to you. George Bernard Shaw once said "all progress is made by unreasonable men - those that make the world adapt to them". I'm trying to do "that" - but it's one big f***ing chore. I get tired. I get lonely.
I survived being different through a mother's love. Having lost the family that loved me, I sometimes yearn to simply "go home". I'm spoiled - knew unconditional love. My heart yearns for it, seeks it - like a famished nomad wandering through the Sahara. Without such quenching I make friends with insanity. I wait - I wonder, sitting perched at the cusp of an event horizon. I watch the world in front of me "as it is". I feel the black hole swirling at my backside - reminding me of all that it could be. I believe - thus I strive. But I continue - because of that most endearing gift to humanity - hope.
for love of loneliness 4/29/03
"Lonely" - f***ing hurts. Infects the soul, molests the inner child, imprisons the adult. I hate that damn word. I suppose it's because I know it, too well. Was out with my dear friend Tawny on her birthday recently, she looked at me, held my hand, said - "Please don't take this wrong - but you're the loneliest person I know". I cried.
"What's my f***ing problem?" Am I so strange - that different?
Thought about this a good bit. Decided, "yes" - I am that different. What make me "unique"?
Intelligence - I'm intelligent, and I don't mean "above average". In certain arenas - I'm considered amongst the brightest human beings on this planet. What do I "do" with that? Act ignorant much of the time. Give others - even fictional personas, "credit" - for my originals thoughts. Done this so long, not sure I know how to not, do it. Spent my whole life apologizing for my intellect. Bring it up? People despise. Trouble is, I'm not "bragging" - I genuinely hate this attribute, but I can't "change" it. Thus, I become desperate to communicate at that level.
Life Experiences - I've had one of the strangest assemblages of life experiences of any person I know - period. I often "fudge" on elements - the facts aren't believable. Some truths - extraordinarily amazing. Others - particularly painful. Seems I was always "standing there" when uncommon events were about to take place - and I'd end up, right in the f***ing middle. Fate - or destiny? Wish I knew. Better yet, wish I understood. Never shared "everything" with another. Honestly, I don't think anybody's ever asked.
Success - I achieved a higher level of financial success than almost any other tranny I know - before transition. Make no mistake - certain success, changes one's life. Now, I'm about to launch what should cause me to become the most financially successful transsexual person in the world - and certainly amongst the most "visible". What will that "do" - to my prospects for love & happiness? Not sure - but I do know one thing - it'll make me even "more" different. Different? That's always lonely.
Of course, there's another "slightly" large issue - my transsexuality. Duh! That "alone", secretes bitter loneliness. When I couple these attributes with a "lack of family" I understand why I'm lonely. What don't I understand? What the f*** to do - to transform it. Can I change myself? No - I can only adjust my actions or my environment. Sadly, I do enough of that "as is". Can I live a happy existence with a lonely life? That's a valid question. Not sure - guess I'd need to better define happiness & loneliness, huh?
What is it - I'm really wanting? What is it about us humans that causes us to seek "perfect" love? Does that exist? How does one measure "perfection"? I, along with everyone else I know - always seems to compare all future loves against that first "real" love. Why is that? What makes such an initial union forever shine in our hearts? Realize - it was much easier then - like merging two clouds versus combining a pair of planets. The challenge, the opportunity - was only love - not "life".
Today - I have a life. It's full - experiences, resources, liabilities, activities - "traits", I've come to know as me. Do I even attempt to merge "love" - with that?
Yep - for one simple reason.
i'm in love 4/09/03
"Well" - I'm in love.
As expected - my emotions are running every direction - from "bliss"...to horrid fear. It's unique - like those two most famous loves from my past - it occurred instantaneously. Amazing - there's nothing comparable to when utter admiration & physical attraction mix with heart-felt affection & mental chemistry. "Damn" - it's good.
Funny - in most instances - I feel love through my "mind" - growing to appreciate all that another human "is" as I connect through that small gray mass situated between my two ears. That's been my recent pattern. More unusually? I'll start with a physical attraction - where my body "deduces" the match. With true love - the heart dictates desirability. That's rare - even confusing, because the mind is being told what "to do". Poor little cranium - desperately attempts to exert some influence - pointing out potential problems - issues, seeks time to "organize". My heart? It doesn't recognize the concept of time - only knows its one "truth" - love.
Naturally, all that I "am"...all that I'm not, will challenge this union...that "gift" of being unique - that horror of being different. I feel inadequate...too small. To love a transsexual? It's not an easy task. We're so imperfect - deformed between body & spirit...forever reconnecting all that's disjointed from birth. Of course, comes a day - when no more fingers are available to shore up our leaky dam - and there we stand, before you - "wet" - and not very pretty. I'd say - to love "us" requires a great deal of optimism. Everything with a tranny is a trade-off. Our cup is forever half full - or half "empty" - depending upon your perspective.
I'm hopeful my love will be "enough" to make this work. I accept that my "uniqueness" - might be too much for endearment. Bottom line? I'm thankful. Not felt "this" in so very, very long - years...really wondered if I was still capable. I'd disconnected so very far from "this" emotion - only time I still knew it, was in my dreams.
Yep. A heart? It's pure love. And when it meets a match - it'll let you know. Mine did...again.
I love you, sweetie.
a need for love 3/31/03
First off - my mountain "getaway" turned into a miracle meeting - with an amazing woman situated in a wheel chair at a county fair. I'm going to add a full description of that "event" soon - via an article I'll submit to the transgender forum (I'll publish it here, as well) - was incredibly special. Seems every time I question the likelihood of divine providence - I get a message...it really exists. *Smile*
"Feeling" much, much better. Understanding that I'm a bit stressed - even exhausted. Lots of issues to resolve - but my need for "love" seems most paramount this AM.
Funny - feels scary to "admit" that need so graphically. Sometimes wish I was more like certain friends that don't require much loving - to remain contented. That would make my life much easier. *Laugh* A high quality & successful loving relationship amongst full-time "gals"...sadly - just isn't very common.
Trying to think "this" through...feel a need to "break things down" - just a bit.
I genuinely miss loving - and being loved. I'm not a loner, by nature - prefer being committed to one person, receiving that favor in return.
Hmmmm - where do I start?
The Good - I believe in my ability to provide care - I'm fairly attentive. I'm "experienced" - know how to maintain a healthy relationship. Learned the essentials of loving communication - and always consider new ideas in that regard. I believe effective two-way communication is the key to "happy love". Grew up very loved - watched my parents love, disagree, enjoy each other's sexuality...and always stay together. I believe in "that". Not a quitter - if I commit, I'll stay through challenges - even to a fault. I'm financially secure - by most standards - and most certainly far above average amongst the transgender community. I'm attractive - not a "cover girl" - but I'm not likely to get a bag thrown over my head in the sack, either. *Laugh* Blessed with a fairly lean body and that's small enough to successfully transition with fewer "daily" issues.
The Bad - Seems I've developed some abandonment & rejection concerns. How'd that happen? One - "death" - I now lack any living familial support to "fall back on" should I fly extra high - subsequently get "dropped" - fall extra hard. Not convinced anyone else would be there to "catch" me...fearing that concrete pavement, below. Watched this happen to other transsexuals. Witnessed a couple - that didn't live through "it"...that scares me. Two - developed doubt that I'll ever be loved for both "what" I am & who I am, "now". Byproduct of ugliness I've witnessed. Tend to get depressed and "pull away" - when someone even hints that a relationship is "over" - or they're leaving. Self defense mechanism. I don't threaten "that" once committed - consider it the final straw. Not comfortable with a person that uses such bullying to get what they want during a disagreement. Likewise, I'm not combative - don't react well to any threats or violent nature. Sadly...guess I must consider my transsexuality as "bad" - sure limits my options amongst finding a suitable partner. My preference towards a "non-op" path aggravates my opportunities as well.
A Few Important Conditions - I'm a pretty touchy / feely-type person. Touch? It's very important to me in a loving relationship. Don't just " want" it - need it. Not just sex - although I definitely enjoy that too. Caresses, hand holding, quick reaches, cuddling...all very essential. Likewise, I'm a home person. Certainly enjoy going "out", travel, etc. However, in general - I'd prefer to entertain & "live" - at home, and need a person with similar traits. I nest...enjoy building & improving a comfortable domicile that's uniquely mine/ours. Not a "mover" - tend to prefer staying put - in one location, when it comes to "home". Like the idea of creating a gathering place for loved ones - very open to visitors in my home - and don't do well with people not comfy with lots of friends/family being around.
Intimate Issues - Been challenged in this regard. I enjoy sexual relations - but only with someone I "care" about. Not adept at casual sex - has no appeal. Don't intend to go through SRS unless I develop certain medical conditions that dictate it as a requirement (liver issues, etc.). Don't hate my penis - nor am I "in love" with the damn thing...just accept it as a part of "me". Don't function well in traditional "top/bottom" relationships - view a loving relationship as fluid, without definitions. My mother (and role model) wasn't an overly "passive" woman...assertive - with a velvet glove. I've followed her lead. Open to exploring with my partner - very "mind-based" when it comes to sexual pleasure. Not had much enjoyment with any type of "multi-partner" sex - except as fantasy fulfillment. Very much a pleaser in bed...another "partner" - means another person I feel a need to "please"...distracts me from my own pleasure. Strangely, I've never noted much difference - sexually speaking - between male & female lovers. If I'm into the person - "genitals" are the last thing I'm thinking about.
Sexual Orientation & Gender Preference - Last 7+ years...I've only dated "men". Prior to that - only women. Have yet to sustain a healthy, loving relationship - as a transsexual. A new revelation? Recently blessed with a new friendship that's taught me a great deal about my potential in also finding someone special - amongst "women". Thanks - GF! ((hugs)) Most tranny's that only date "men" - identify as gay...and so do I. My "difference"? I chose to identify as "gay"...simply because I knew I wasn't "straight". Interestingly, I didn't have sex with men unless I was dressed as a woman. Thus, it wasn't a "penis" thing. Likewise - as an active member in the tranny community before "there really was one"...the gay community was the only place I found solace. Previously - got irritated when a woman would start that "you look better as a boy than a girl" routine. Didn't feel like going backwards in that regard. Realize - that was "my" problem - not theirs. Now - much more comfy with "all of me"...and will certainly attempt a femme-femme relationship if I find an appealing person. I've evolved - and so have women. Hmmm - guess that means...7 years femme, 7 years men...now "both" genders. If I don't find what I'm looking for this time - I'm 'gonna start studying primates. *Laugh*
Sadly, can't say I have many conclusions. Only thoughts...and a few "dreams". Still, can't accomplish many goals until you define "where you are" - and where you "hope to be", ya know?
A few issues jumped out at me during this exercise...
Home - Can't put this off much longer. Recently observed how important "this" - is to me. Packed & gathered all my stuff to achieve "freedom of movement". Result? I've not "moved" an inch. It's like - I'm "waiting" - to do that - with another. Tell-tale sign - of my nature? Whatever - time to get on with things, Miss Thang.
Transition Dependence - Not convinced I can find a suitable partner until I'm further along with transition. I'm in that kinda "ugly phase" - half male / half female - living between genders. Most candidates would prefer "one" - or the other. Will take at least another year to complete enhancements to where I feel comfy going 24/7. What do I do - in the mean time - about love? Good question, Renee.
Fear - Think I'll focus my next couple of therapy sessions on how to get "past my fears" with these abandonment / rejection concerns. Pretty sure I already know how - but I'm not acting on those thoughts. Hope that doesn't indicate another "major" problem...got enough of those - to deal with. *Laugh*
Self Love - Allowed myself to become highly judgmental of me - based upon the quality of my feminine appearance. Used to be pretty adept at loving myself - just the way I am. Fell into that trap...if I'm "pretty" enough...someone will eventually love me. Now seems obvious - if I conditionalize my own happiness based upon my appearance - I'll likely attract the sort of person - that would do the same thing, right?. That's a classic - God, I feel so stupid at times. *Laugh* No doubt - I'm committed to becoming a "lovely female" - physically speaking. Still - I've most certainly gotten out of balance, in appreciating - what femininity...is really all about.
Nuff said - ciao!
PS...Aren't these shoes just awesome? *Grin* Bought em on ebay - wore them Saturday night. Let's face it...when all else fails...there is always "shoes". *Laugh*
sex & love 3/23/03 The PM
Here's a unique "entry" - I'm drunk. *Laugh*
Earlier today - following my "AM" entry - could not quit "crying". All my fave recovery venues - failed me. Found no solace in bed. A hot hot shower? Left me sobbing - crouched on tiles - until the evolution of cold water finally chased me away. Lost control - seemingly no "bottom" - to any of this.
As with last night - I was blessed. An "angel" appeared to steer me clear of dark shadows. In this instance, my dear girlfriend Tawny, called. Held myself together - for perhaps 60 seconds - before losing what minor semblance of human composure I could muster. You must understand I wasn't just "crying" - I was sobbing. Couldn't talk, couldn't even breathe. Communication? It was minimal.
I don't get "here" - very often. One reason? I know better. Another? I'm acutely aware of the small number of familial "nets" situated around my high-flying lifestyle. The wrong fall - in the wrong direction? I'm toast. Thus, I'm usually a somewhat careful gymnast. Alas, we don't always get to choose the people or situations that might harm our soul. I found myself pinned between two important altars - old & new - and subsequently bombarded by every negative impulse I endure. Sadly, there's a lot of those. When all this was coupled with my new & powerful publisher - telling me - although my work is first rate - there's no place for a "freak" like me amongst their line of Pulitzers, I was crushed. Simply stated - I reached my "end".
I'm not ashamed to admit I've planned a certain suicide should "the need arise". Most tranny's - that face the music - know that tune. My direct experience with this exit path causes me to fear it less - than I should. I'll also admit - those plans - where on my mind - today. A horror of my life history & lifestyle is I can lose sight of a reason to "live". Those humans I most love - are all situated six feet south. Never procreated - I'm alone. I hate "that".
Out of this abyss came Tawny. You must appreciate that irony. Few people that know this lady only from the Net - are aware of her angelic nature. Her on-line journal - explores challenges with this lifestyle. In that process - almost nothing is revealed of the warm, caring & sensitive woman - authoring those words. She cured my inability to draw my next breath via telephone - then brought me back to life over chips, salsa, lots of cheese, good eats - and a pitcher of Texas-margaritas.
By night's end - this lady had taught me that "loving" - is what living...is all about. Thanks, girlfriend - you're nothing short of my "angel".
Tomorrow? I'll be sober. My problems? I'll solve them. Those people that hurt me? I'll move away from them.
And so - this life, continues...
sex & love 3/23/03 The AM
I'm a f***ing disaster - and 100% sick of this.
Tonight - I got "hurt". A double whammy - not even going to begin & try to explain it. Was so upset - I became sick at dinner. There I was...on my knees, throwing up - crying. Lovely, huh? Met a beautiful woman in the restroom who helped me pull it all back together. She was so very sweet - chatted for almost 20 minutes. Isn't it amazing how "angels" sometimes show up - when you need them most? Thanks Miss Lisa - you were my saving angel. **kiss**
Anyway...upon returning from this visit with the "Porcelain God" - my companion said I looked "white as ghost". I felt like a ghost...surreal. Needless to say my make-up was now total "shit" - dinner was shot - and so was I. Returned home - took a long "nap". Sleep...it's 'gotta be the world's best solution for emotional "challenges".
Did either of these people "mean" to hurt me? No. Was their intent malicious? Not even remotely...
I got "hurt" - because I hurt myself, with my "habits".
"How'd I do that?"
Simple - I've got some huge "issues" regarding the interrelationship between "sex & love". Try as I may - can't seem to dissect "one" - from the other. When I lived as a "traditional" male - wasn't a big deal. Lots of options and partners that found that trait acceptable - even preferred it. If I'd been "born" female - I'm sure it would've worked as well. "But" - I'm a transsexual - buried in the bowels of gender transition. My options for spending time with people I most enjoy - they're much more limited. Plus, I'm at an age - where the likelihood of ever finding another life-long companion that will mesh into my life & vice-versa - it's a low probability "shot". Thus, to remain happiest - I'd do best to learn to enjoy "aspects" about certain people in my life - and enjoy a comforting and pleasurable physical union - without attaching 100% of "my heart" to this equation.
Sounds logical, huh? My therapist tells me it's a good idea. Trouble is - I can't do it. I've tried - tried really hard...just not "me".
So I have this first-grade type caring "process" that only causes me pain. Know what? Can't take this sort of pain, any longer - too many scars & old wounds that don't seem to heal. I'm so very tired of feeling "hurt" - I don't recall what it's like to "not" feel that way. Was "fine" for awhile - embraced being alone - with my friends as support. Then, lost my lover. What next? Started chasing picket fences. Guess I should've known - Diva's don't do anything - but "Downtown".
F*** Me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And F*** this "caring" bullshit.
I'm gonna "work" - I'm gonna "write" - I'm gonna "collect" my art - I'm gonna "perform" - I'm gonna enjoy the fellowship of my best friends - and I'm gonna have sex - for fun. And the first person who even starts to try & mention my heart as part of that equation...the first individual I even start to connect with? They'll be told to put on their clothes - and get the f*** out!.
It's called survival - and it's just where I'm at. I'm sure all this sounds dramatic. Know what? Sometimes it takes a bit of "drama" to cause a person to become properly motivated to do what's necessary. I'm one highly disciplined bitch - when I have "something" I really need to do. I 'gotta do this...
learning to live with only "love" 3/17/03
Had an appointment with my therapist this AM. We're on this schedule "for my own good". You know...just in case I ever want to get sliced & diced - I'll have my "official" papers certifying - this man is really a woman...so hack away. *Laugh* I'm sorry - the whole process remains ludicrous to me.
Anyway...wasn't in the mood for Tranny Evaluation 101" - so we discussed my "issues' with love & relationships. My "issues"? Don't you just love that word? Sounds like tooth decay or some other degenerative condition spawned by the process of life & living.
This session - was intense. She got me to admit that my most recent relationship wasn't really a "loving" relationship. "Fine"...whatever.
The problem with that deduction? We subsequently concluded it's been a very, very long time since I was involved in such a union. Of course, I challenged the very basis of her argument. Let's face it - I'm not exactly June Cleaver. Close - but no cigar.
Here's the problem as I see it - I've been living "abnormally" for so long - I don't recall what it's like to be "normal" Thus, how can one use typical measurements - on such an atypical person? What's a healthy relationship for the extra queer, queer? I don't know - and I'm not convinced anyone else does either.
Certainly an aspect of my recent love, which I despised - was how few nights we spent situated under the same set of sheets. That sucked. I'm a nurturer & a caregiver - and I can offer those affection regardless of geography. However, I'm also a person that depends upon touches from loved ones for continued strength. I need to hold...to be held...often. Damnit - I really didn't want to remember all "that". Guess I've got plenty of "issues" after all, huh? Well lets hope so - God forbid I'd ever be f***ing "normal".
I don't even know what I "want" or need any longer from a loving relationship. That's sad. What a bargain, huh? Everything's going so well with most aspects of my life - so I feel compelled to dig this crap up "now"? Sure - that makes total sense...
One problem? Everyone who "falls" for me is first attracted to "what I am" - versus who I am. That would seem to be part of the problem, no? But then...doesn't all initial attraction start with some basis for attraction? Yeah, but this is different - and it's certainly part of the issue. Those people that "pursue" me? I always assume it's because of what I am - or the tissue between my thighs. If I get an inkling they're not very interested in "who I am" - I lose interest - fast.
Another problem? I'm such a total wimp. Every person I ever fell in love with - I knew, from the first few moments I was around them. Doesn't happen often...but when it does, I just tend to "know" - immediately. Nowadays - when I feel that special tinge on my neck - I pretend I don't care. Why is that? What am I afraid of?
Yeah, probably - I'm already fearful no one really wants "this" beyond some sort of sexual mindset. It's logical I'd assume that someone I want - wouldn't want "me'...just parts of me. There's other reasons - my age is playing a role. I'm not certain how much more pain from "loss" - I can endure - scares me. All this equates to me opting for the protected pathway...keeping the heart safe & sound. You know...if I don't act on it - then I can't get rejected...or hurt...or left behind - right? And then I end up "here"...whatever. Can you say vicious circle?
I feel like one of those toys on that island in "Rudolph" - The Red-Nosed Reindeer. Loveable, desiring, made to give happiness, to be enjoyed - and played with...but alas, I'm the broken version - not "up to to code". The outcast - the misfit toy.
What my therapist is "teaching" me - as is my best GG friend Darleen - is to learn to embrace a life with lots of love - without necessarily being "in love". All in all - compared to most tranny's...I've got a damned good life. I'm learning to accept my fate of abnormality and its impact on all aspects of my life - including traditional loving relationships. I'm different - and I've got take full responsibility for "that". It's a function of embracing those aspects that cause my life to become extraordinary - and tolerate those less than optimal consequences.
I know all this, yet - it remains my biggest challenge. Passionate in life, passionate in living...passionate in love. I'm not sure this misfit can stay happy living on the frozen reservation...but I'm sure trying. God I wish I wasn't such a slow learner.
what's love got to do with it? 3/03/03
Damn - that word.
Why of all times am I needing someone special? I know better, danmit.
What am I craving, exactly? What needs am I hoping to fulfill? Companionship? Intimacy? That sense of belonging - building - with another? I dunno - guess I feel all that. I couldn't create a priority listing of these needs - even if my favorite shoes were on the line. These feeling are abstract, even dangerous - like an emotionally-charged stick of dynamite drifting through a sea of sparks.
Think, think, think....
The problem? Everything's changing in my life. Everything's - half baked. Is this "why" I feel such a strong need for love? Probably - that makes sense. If that's the case - not a healthy thing, huh? I knew when I "started" - reminded myself in the plan. "Love?" That's a no-no, girlfriend. How do I fulfill that need - without getting hurt, without wounding another. Good question. I know I should concentrate - on my myself - my journey. Why do I remain so distracted by love? My recent loss of love? Sure - that's playing a role.
Still, if I'm "supposed" to stay focused - why do I keep meeting such interesting candidates? Am I sending certain signals? Am I lying to myself? I wish I knew. Better yet, I wish I understood.
Fuck - I'm chasing my tail, here. Wait - it's not yet large enough to chase. *Laugh* I'm sorry, needed some humor.
Can't land the sort of "straight" guy I find appealing - until I'm further along. A woman? I'll be honest - I just can't see myself with a woman. Tried a lesbian "date" recently, was like kissing my sister. Gay man? Nah - they don't want "this". So here I am...bliss conditionalized upon my appearance...my progress - with "transition". The paradox? I'm dedicated to a "different" transition plan. One, where I'll make a difference - with my life. That requires patience, asset management. What a horrid place to be. Is this - where I'm supposed to be? That's funny - even part of my problem. I don't feel like I really "belong" - anywhere...
Must find a way clear of this labyrinth. I knew - when I started. Focus...friends...balance...self-love...becoming the right person - to find the right person. I know all that, yet - I yearn. I might be living a life some consider bizarre - definitely "different". However, I'd say these feelings confirm - I'm still 100% "human". I'll take solace in that.
I know - what I'll do...I'll purchase one of those "blow up" dolls. *Laugh* I'm making absolutely no sense, here. Imagine that? Whatever...let's move on...
I'm feeling much better - med's finally did their duty. Headed to Nashville, tomorrow - a thing for Fat Tuesday. Darleen's going with me - staying the night. We'll have fun + plan details for our 10-day "Thelma & Louise" road trip through south Florida in mid-April. That - will be a blast. I designed a fun ensemble for Tuesday I'm calling "The Country & Western DRAG Queen". They wanted a Mardi Grai look - I just don't think Nashville's ready for "that". Bunch of people are going "out" after the show. I'll go back & change - to the girly-girly look. It's funny. Can't handle doing DRAG any longer - unless I'm on stage. Just want to be "me" - not a center of attention.
Enjoyed a nice dinner with Tawny Saturday night. She's a cool gal - glad we've gotten closer. Visiting Philadelphia this weekend, leave early Friday. Between being sick all last week - and these travels - won't be too productive. Guess that's my cue - to bid you a dui...
only in america 2/27/03
"Last couple of days?"
Turned out I was running a fever in excess of "103" - suffering from strep throat - God knows what else. Weird part? Didn't understand I was sick - until yesterday. That - explains my "whining" - pissy about not having anyone around to "care" for me. Know what I mean? "Woe is me?" Yeah, yeah, whatever...
Fortunately, my new "friend" stopped by this AM - wrapped me in blankets - held me, while I shivered out a pound of water. He's such a unique guy. I often state I might end up with an "artist" - I tend to admire those that relish individual expression. This guy - definitively one of the coolest I've met. First glance? You'd mutter "California Surfer". Standing well past six feet - he's got long blonde hair offset by a heavy braid draped over his deep blue left eye, and a body that's obviously about the gym more times than not. He speaks - so very soft, slowly...measured. You become certain his next utterance will be "dude" - and you can't help but fall into a stereotypical analysis considering "how many drugs" were consumed to cause this measured tone. Then the surprises - his mind - it's first rate in thought, as is his education. His vocation? Get this - a world champion of "extreme fighting". You know...bare fisted...in those cages?
I'm sorry - but we must enjoy this paradox. I go from seeing a guy listed on the Forbes 400 ranking of the wealthiest individuals in America to a guy listed on the Extreme Fighting's ranking of the deadliest individuals. Only in America, huh? Nah, only in a Tranny's life. *Laugh* Know what's weird? Both men...at the core - are so very much alike. Go figure!
Well - I'm going back to bed - still, feel like crap. Better by this weekend? I sure hope so...
ouch! the reality check 2-12-03
Got a "lovely" dose of reality first thing this AM. Finally heard from my "love"...through his attorney. Ouch!
Don't know "why" - but I laughed. Feels like a divorce...and I never got to wear a damn wedding dress - which is the only reason I'd probably "marry" anyone in the first place. I'll comment no further - referred him to my attorney for prudence sake. Guess as "Sam" so wisely observed right off the bat - I was lucky to discover "true colors" with so little of myself invested.
Thanks everybody! All those comments, calls, and letters of "support" - promise I'll respond ASAP. Your affections - and that of my local clan - made every difference in how I'm getting through this mess. ((hugs)) Special thanks to Miss "Pink"...Just Like a Pill - kept me goin'. You're a doll, girlfriend.
My old friend Ashe was the hands down award-winner for most clever "suggestion". Her solution? Throw on my blue hair, don a "clubbing" ensemble & go banging on his front door at high noon on a Saturday when the indigenous neighborhood is vibrant & very observant. According to Ashe - all my problems would be resolved in a flash. As "down" as I was - I enjoyed much needed giggles from that "idea". She's such a trip - I simply adore her. I'm visiting Ashe & other good friends next month in Philly...seeya soon, bitch!
Having dinner tonight with Paris-based Erica - whom I've known on-line for years. Chatted on the phone yesterday - seems adorable - taking her for some sushi. Looks like Tawny will join us...to help celebrate some good news. (crossing fingers, GF). We'll sure make for an interesting "pot luck" of personas. *Laugh*
I'll need to reflect upon what I "learned" in this process. Refuse to feel bitter...no steak in it. Feel a little stupid - even embarrassed, but that's not the first time I felt that way - and I'm sure - I even hope...it won't be my last.
At least my existence isn't boring, huh?
Well - life goes on...and so does Renee...**kiss**
the death of true love 2-10-03
For about a year - I've been seeing one guy that's very, very, very special to me. Never mentioned him "here" - only my most intimate friend knew the details. We agreed - that was best. While I appear to live an open-book...I'm famous for keeping secrets, to a fault. You can "read" between the lines" in certain past entries...recognize when we were happiest - even challenged. He - is "all over" my journal. I shared our experiences indirectly with you - and others. Sorry - been pretty honest "here" - just couldn't clue ya in. He's very high profile. In a sick way - so am I. Sound fun? Got news for 'ya - that doesn't mix with transsexualism.
We're through. My "activities" caught up with us...he got threatened - I got dumped.
I hurt - can't take this kind of pain, again. It's not fair. What am I supposed to do???
Oh, God - this hurts. Shit - I can't quit crying - hang on a second...
We don't yet live in that time where the sort of man I find most appealing - can "be" with me. Why was stupid enough to dream otherwise? I feel like an idiot - betrayed, by my very sense of self. I can't take this any longer - I'm getting too old to keep starting over. This "straight male mate" path, will be my undoing. Dead end streets - they sure don't make for long vacations, but they're definitely "a trip".
"Transsexuals"...what the fuck are we supposed to do? Accept less than we find appealing or deserve? Embrace "alone"? Live as some sort of sordid mistress? Take the dyke, hike? Stop transition - live a dual gender...find a female that enjoys "that"? Just do DRAG...find a gay male? All that sounds like a bunch of "6:5 & pick 'em". I'm a lady of passion - I never "settle" for less than right.
I'm so lost. Beyond confusion. Somewhere adrift in that labyrinth within my chest. Emotional chaos.
I am what I am. Already tried changing "that" - no go. My little heart can't take this again. I must find a way to survive "alone". I'm not coming "here"...ever again. I feel ugly - in the worst possible way. Need a break from this journal. Need a vacation "from me". Gonna go somewhere soon...'gotta get out of here.
I love you, T****. I know you'll read this...I'll miss you - for the rest of my life.
Crap - I can't stop crying yet again. I'll try this later...
T****, I just tried calling you - I understand you're not ready to talk. You know I won't infringe on your privacy, I never have.
But - please...listen, for just one second...
Who in this world can cook bacon like I can...and playfully feed you each piece in bed? *Smile* Who else can you intelligently talk for six straight hours & they're still interested in every word you utter? Who knows your body, your mind, your touch, your pleasure...like I do? Nobody, sweetie...and nobody ever will. You once told me I still think like a man...and you appreciated that. Honey, that's probably true...but I love "like a woman" - and I love you.
"I'm so very sorry".
Baby - I'll transfer my gender fund-raising project to another. I'll close it down. If I'd any clue it would cause "this" - you know I'd have never touched it. I was simply trying help others, in need. I'll quit performing & 86 "the play". I'll take down this web page, I'll lower my transsexual profile in every aspect of my life. These are just "activities" for me - none really "matter". You matter...we matter. There's got to be a scenario where this works. I'm begging - for us to at least "try".
I know - this is hard. But I also know...you can do this, honey. Remember that canyon and those amphibolites (see - I told you I was paying attention *Smile*) Remember my "broken heel"...the office fur...our trip to Savannah (and that psycho lady)...the back seat at the drive-in theater...??? So many fun memories - in so little time. Come on, baby - don't just "think"...feel.
You already have tons of money...I have a lot of money...what's the point of life & living that we're trying to achieve? Few more decades...we're worm meat. Why would either of us worry over anything but enjoying those remaining years to the fullest? Don't let ignorance of a few - affect the happiness, of "the two" - or the one.
I know this is messy...but please don't walk away from this because of a mere "problem".
Problems exist to be solved.
I exist - to be with you.
You know who...agreed we "belong" together. He knows you so well, and he makes Jessie Helms seem liberal. Others will understand, too. Those that don't? Do they really matter? The press? The general public? Come on T****...why would we care about opinions of strangers? I seriously doubt people will be that interested. The economy is shit - a war's in the making. We're not "news".
I'm totally humbled.
"No more" - of that infamous strong-willed pride you so adored & despised. I can no longer stand on my dignity - it's making for some pretty poor footing. I'm publicly begging. I'll give you anything. I'll do whatever's required. I'll wait, as long as you request. If you'll just ask - I'll do it. My life's defined by a willingness to totally commit to what's most important to me.
Can't we at least try??
I love you, baby.
"man" - i feel like woman 2-04-03
Ok - just spent the last hour trying to sleep. I need my sleep - big day tomorrow.
Instead, I began talking to myself. Actually, I talked to my dog Princess - even responding for her. I now that's weird, but we've learned to deal with it. *Laugh* Anyway...before I knew it - I was just "talking" to myself. This - isn't a good sign? Now you tell me...*Grin*
I realized sleep was a wash for this moment - got up - put a Marie Calendar turkey pot pie in the microwave - and came down here...to chat with "you". Don't you feel special? *Smile*
I anticipated my next journal entry would describe this past weekend - was a nice one.
Friday night my friend Tawny joined my usual clan of misfits for dinner at Maggiano's Little Italy & late drinks at Beluga. She's an adorable lady - and hope you're feeling better today, hon. ((hugs))
Saturday - my old Web-friend Chris & I visited. I ran late both nights due to fund raising events - but Chris & I still managed to squeeze in a fabulous evening. Hope you made it to your new home safe & sound, Chris. You're such a doll - and I never thought I'd meet a pickier "eater" - than me. *Grin*
Sunday? It was "a Sunday". Killer weather, relaxing...my time! Even Monday AM & day were routine.
Then - tonight, I "met" someone. Actually, I encountered him briefly a few weeks ago - but I didn't really "meet" him until this evening. We talked for about two hours on the phone. I don't do lengthy "phone". Not the case here - and I could've remained interested in "that" conversation all night. Know the kind of exchange I'm referring to? We finished sentences for one another on everything from "art" - to gender issues. Still, he knew lots about things I didn't - and I was fascinated by those subjects, and by "him".
Got off the phone - "Princess" had that cross-eyed gander that whispered - "I'm 'gonna pee on your favorite rug if you don't walk me within 60 seconds". What a bitch! *Laugh* Soooo....out we went to shake paws with a lovely night, cool breeze - but still kind of warm. My cranium explored an intense gamut of "feelings"...everything from curiosity about him to inadequacy about "me". I laughed, I smiled, I stared. "Fear" - wasn't too far behind. Those that know me well, know...I'm afraid to care about anyone, and they know why that "is".
I've no clue what any of this means. I'm not going to think on it much more. We'll become good friends, that's my priority these days. Tried calling "Darleen" - best friends are required to listen in this instances. No answer - the bitch is out having fun "somewhere". Whatever...
Why did I feel different? What caused this conversation to be unique? Granted, the connection was compelling - no denying that. I admired him - I don't do that, often. But, that wasn't "it".
We're now back where this story began. Remember? "Me" - lying in bed, talking to Princess - chatting with my subconscious.
That's - when I figured it out.
Know what "it" felt like? Don't laugh.
That - was my first conversation where I didn't feel like a transsexual - I felt like a woman...
heard it in a love song...1-21-03
I did so very well recently not worrying - even considering - the importance of an "intimate" relationship in my life. However, while working on a detailed planning project - I played a few old play lists off my CPU - and those damn "love songs" got me. Leave it to an artist to bring out the human - in all of us...
It's funny. I don't really recall that sensation of being utterly "excited" by the mere sight of another person. I remember those experiences...but it's just been so very long since I was totally attracted to another human being.
Here's the funny part - I'm now "dating". Guess what else? That - has been an event. *Laugh* Some good - some not so pleasant - definitely a fair share of good humor. I considered adding a journal entry recently entitled "Adventures in Tranny Dating"...but decided - not - as I didn't consider that fair to those fun people I've gone out with. It had a good touch of humor - most directed at "me" - but I can't stand the idea another might not enjoy my sense of humor.
Soooo...if you ever thought about "asking me out" - it's probably a good time to do so. I'm more open minded in that regard. Caveats? Intelligence...I'm not interested in people residing beyond the confines of Atlanta. I'm challenged enough being punctual in my own city limits.
Still - here's a few observation that aren't "person" specific...
1. "Men" are very, very easy to talk to...all you have to do...is talk about "them" all night. *Laugh*
2. Lesbians are generally very "touchy" - like they enjoy the idea of taking ownership of a companion. "I'm sorry" - but can you see me - in a damn harness? I don't think so...*Laugh*
3. "I'm not patient". I'm one of those people who doesn't read the ingredients of a cereal box to determine if I'll like it. One taste - and I tend to know. While I'm very compassionate regarding admirers & members of the gender community - "dating" is a different animal. More than one date - means focused time. I'm discovering I'm not interested in continuing unless I'm really interested. That - hasn't happened yet. Thus, I'm becoming exceptionally skilled at "first dates". *Laugh* Still, I think that's probably a good thing. Why? It says - to me - my life is good enough as is - unless a person's an extraordinarily good match.
4. "I'm unpredictable in terms of what I'll find appealing". For instance? I've got a "minor" crush (haven't told them) on a certain person - and this attraction goes totally against my established norms. I almost never find another tranny appealing - sexually or relationship-wise. And about the very, very last thing I find appealing in that manner - is a "crossdresser". Yet - this person - is just that. Obviously, the only rules to my attraction - is there are no rules...*Laugh*
5. "I'm seeing spirits". While I'm not yet totally skilled at it - I'm reaching a point where I mostly see a person's "spirit" when I meet them. I'm seeing less & less of their gender, size, weight, skin color, sexuality...all the normal stuff. What's interesting about "this" - is those people I become hesitant to form a strong bond. Most of us are drawn to appealing physical features. While that's always nice - when I feel that anger or frustration in a person's spirit - I'm certainly not thinking "love". It's either compassion - or run like hell...*Laugh*
is sex overrated? 12-21-02
No word in the English language conjures more attention than "sex". It's defined on so many planes. However, most people identify with an intimate act between two humans that includes a physical connection.
I haven't done "that" - in over a year - even confirmed the span from my calendar. Honestly, I was surprised it had been that long. I don't miss it much. Oh sure - I miss being "held" - and it meaning something. I miss someone I care about - "wanting" me - to touch them, and vice-versa. Orgasms? I can "hand-le" those - on my own. *Laugh*
I'm subsidizing my need for touch from good friends. I'm lucky in this regard - I have exceptional friends. We hug and caress one another - no agendas - no groping - just a caring touch when it's needed. Two are "genetic gals" - the rest are gay males. As a transsexual, you'll be blessed if you become close with select gay males. Those men that are comfy in that skin - tend to be amongst the most caring and compassionate individuals I know. "Joe Public" rarely understands that I'm about the last thing a typical gay male finds sexually appealing. Gay men are attracted to much more than certain anatomy - attraction occurs at the very essence of masculinity. I represent very, very little of "that". Thus, our bond is one of brother & sister from similarly challenged lifestyles.
I'm usually misunderstood when it comes to "sex". Publicly - I'm a fairly playful persona. I don't possess a very large frame. I defend myself with playful comments. I learned "that" - from certain women. Likewise, I'm not shy about wearing clothes one might consider "sexy". I'm not easily offended when I'm "grabbed" - I just move the offending paw from where it's not supposed to be. However - none of this tells anything about my sexual "nature".
Tranny's generally become cast as whores amongst most men that find them appealing on a sexual plane. It's understandable: few gals possess the resources to pursue transition without a little help from another.
It's a bitch.
If were were simply "gay males" - we'd only have to become skilled at a somewhat different manner of sexual contact and endure some discrimination in certain work environments. If you're a transsexual - you'll invest a couple of hundred grand just achieving congruence - you'll get brutally discriminated against economically & socially - and the number of potential companions is a very, very short list.
No - I don't mean potential "sexual" companions - you never have trouble finding "that" as a transsexual. I'm talking a "life" companion. I don't look "down" on my sisters that exchange affections for finance. Most women in this world do much the same thing - and they get to be "women" - for a lot less money.
I just can't have "sex" for fun. I wasn't good at that as a guy. As a transsexual - particularly since starting HRT - I can't do it - at all. I have to "care". And my heart must believe that emotion is shared.
Most transsexuals identify with being "lesbian" - I don't. A growing number are attracted to one another. "I'm sorry" - but I can't see myself fighting over whose the damn Queen of a household. Thus, I'm stuck with the low odds of finding what I seek - amongst "straight" males.
Know what's most limiting in "that" arena? It never works - unless they're as "out" regarding their interest in a "girl like me" - as I am in my lifestyle. Why's that? Most fantasize about a relationship with a stunning non-op tranny whose so "passable" - that the world would never "know". My experience? Few secrets ever get "kept" in this country. I'm not about to conditionalize a relationship around silence about who & what I am. Besides, I'm not ashamed - and I won't settle for a man any less comfortable in his own skin.
Now - we're down to like this really, really small number of men. Out of that - I 'gotta find "those" - choose one I find appealing - and have him feel the exact same way - about me. Can you say " needle in a f***ing haystack"? Go ahead and "laugh" - I usually do.
Somebody must've had a pretty sick sense of humor when they coined the term "trans-sex-ual". For all the fascinating adventures this lifestyle illuminates during the process of living & breathing - sex - isn't one of them.
I'm learning to live "without". Know what else? It's not that bad...
empty stockings 12-13-02
Nothing like this upcoming holiday to cause a person "like me" to ponder loneliness. While I recall "feeling" alone at moments during my past - I don't recollect "being" this alone. I'm becoming quite the expert at "isolating" myself.
"Why is that?"
I think its because my emotional safety net is so full of holes - that I'm increasingly wary of letting anyone remotely "close" to me. Know what I mean? Ever find yourself "looking down" - and realizing if you fall - it's a very, very long way down? I don't know about you - but that tends to keep me away from the cliff's edge.
This AM - I tried picturing the sort of person I might find highly appealing - but, I can't. Most people are very concerned regarding "appearance" - I'm not. That's perplexing - because I'm a fairly appearance-driven person - regarding "myself". Still - age, shape, skin color - those things never cross my mind in discerning what I find appealing in others. Oh sure - a tender age is usually off my radar screen as I don't tend to become fully attracted to another that's not yet experienced life & living on a number of planes. Likewise, high intelligence is essential as I'm pretty stupid and need another to offset my stupidity. For some weird reason - I keep thinking I'll end up with an "artist".
"Wonder why that is?"
I lead a strange life. I'll be the first to admit I'm a queer persona - gender aside. Thus, I suppose I feel that such an expression-driven persona would be the only sort to comprehend - and appreciate me. Who knows?
I'm staying too busy with my work and "project" activities at present to worry a great deal over any of "this". That helps. Plus, I'm committed to a schedule - in my life, work and transitional goals. Achieving that schedule - the Renee way - is pretty much consuming all my time.
Still - here comes "Christmas" - that season when stockings mean more than lingerie - and I'm not sharing "either" with anyone.
F*** it - I don't need to "go" here - right now.
I'm 'gonna eat some breakfast..."Valkyrie needs food badly" - sorry "old joke".
Good God! I just realized it's "Friday the 13th"...I'm always lucky on this day.
another lonely night 11-19-02
There's absolutely nothing worse than "this" stage of transition. Hormones rage emotions - causing a lost sense of exactly what's felt - or think 'ya feel - at any given moment. The diet "changes" - what used to be healthy, now bloats. My body "feels" ugly - no matter what clothes & accessories adorn the skin. Not female, not male, not even much of a TS - just some sort of "something". Still a human being - I hope.
All this spills into "relationships". Relationship wise - my life is now pretty much a total disaster. This is my own fault. However, my interests, age, resources, activities - name it, they're always so different from anyone I find appealing. I'm also the sort that will choose to be alone - than sustain marginal "company". That - has a price. Of course - if somebody does "feel" appealing - they always live across the country. Imagine that?
Can't seem to figure what I "need". It's like...I want to be held - but I don't want to be touched. I want to be touched - but I don't want to be held. Weird, huh? I pretty much embraced relationships as a "no no" at the moment. Still, last night the walls closed in on me. I hate it when I "remember"? Know what I mean? Vivid details recalled from days gone by... I know that's always a waste of time - but some days, you just can't help visiting the "past". Jeez! My life sure hasn't turned out quite like I expected. Figured on "most of this" - but sure didn't plan on being so very "alone".
I know I'm not "normal" - so why in the f*** does it seem to me everybody else is so damn strange? *Laugh* Don't answer that - I'm not certain I really want to know the truth.
There's nothing really "wrong" in this entry.
Things are going "ok".
I'm just lonely.
I wish I was simply f***ing "gay".
dream...ing - of you tonight 10-16-02
Hah! That's laughable. *Smile*
I'm soooo "over" worrying about either of these subjects. My dedication to developing new and better friendships is paying off in this regard. They talk, they listen, they even hold me - and they care. That feeling is mutual. A really cool recent experience? I slumbered at a friend's house - and we slept together in bed, holding one another, naked - with no sexual action or agenda. It was very "warming" - for both our souls.
Sex? I've got "that" - all solved. When I get "horny" - I masturbate. When I get "extra" horny - I just masturbate more often. Complex solution, huh? *Laugh* Trust me - it's not that bad.
I'm still "dating" men - when I happen to find one worth my time. Still - I keep my expectations at the micron level. *Laugh* It's too bad I don't "escort" - every guy seems to understand that concept with a transsexual. Strangely, I seem interested in "learning" how to better date men. It's much different - being the female.
Guess you could say I remain most dedicated to being and becoming - the sort of person my ideal mate of the future would find most appealing. Know what I mean? I believe I'm most likely to "find" my right person - by "being" the right person. My standards are very high - but so will be - the "product". Namely - a transsexual...happy, self confident, lovely feminine appearance, intelligent and well educated, highly successful and a liquid millionaire, healthy habits, varied interests, with a stunning "home" full of art and antiques.
Once each week - on Sunday nights - I play a special CD of my favorite love songs. The last tune - is the late Selena's "Dreaming of You". I play this song, I stare at the stars - and I believe - the one person in this world that "just right" for me...is "dreaming" - as well.
a "good" bad night 7-30-02
"You know what?"
Let's not mince words...."Fuck you!"
There - I feel better already. *Laugh*
If you're "a reader" - that's taking estrogen & have ever been "stood up" for a date after spending two hours "getting ready" - you already know exactly where this journal "entry" is going...*Laugh* & ((hugs))
I was in a somewhat celebratory mood due to a long awaited accomplishment from a work-related project. Alas, nobody from my usual clan - was available to "celebrate" with me. Thus, I decided to take a chance and meet a guy whom I'd been corresponding with on-line. Honestly, I was pretty excited about meeting him - and worked extra hard to "look my best".
At first - I waited 30 minutes before finally being "seated" at the restaurant. You know the drill....I'm sorry "Miss Hostess of the Mostest" - but my party hasn't "yet" arrived. Then - I waited another 30 minutes to "order" food - as a courtesy. Finally - I embraced the fact I'd be eating & "celebrating" alone - so I had at it.
That hurt - more than I wanted to admit. I developed playful conversations with people sitting adjacent to me - to take the edge off - even confessing my dilemma and laughing at myself and "my life" a bit. However, upon becoming fully nourished and retrieving my car from the valet - I got overwhelmed by a rush of emotions.
The girl - in my heart - was "hurt". The lady - in my head - was "embarrassed". The DRAG Queen - in my spirit - was ready to go "make a scene" - and take absolutely no prisoners. *Laugh*. However, the woman - in my soul - just wanted to "cry".
Alas - the "woman" won out.
I pulled over to a fairly safe-looking yet secluded location - and shed some heart-felt tears - in order to release that pain from deep inside my chest. (Not that I can afford to lose even a speck of anything in "that" department). *Laugh*
After I'd "collected" myself a bit - I checked my mirror & simply had to laugh at the natural disaster before me. Sixty minutes of concentrated effort "creating" bedroom eyes - now reduced to rubble befitting a rape crisis victim. Thank God - for my experience as a can-do DRAG Queen. "She" reworked the river of mascara and eyeliner into sort of a "Jean Harlow on crack" look - that would "work" for the balance of my evening. *Smile*
I pointed my car in the direction of "Joe's" for a zesty slice of key lime & soothing cup of coffee - in a defiant effort to not let some loser get the best of me.
I had a fun time "there" - made some new friends - wore out my cell phone battery getting support and psychological analysis from cronies situated around the USA - and officially "regrouped".
Alas, this - is the life of a "transsexual".
Do you know what's the scariest part?
I still "love" - my life. *Smile*
conditional affections 5-22-02
Better yet..."Unconditional Love".
How about...God Damnit?
True and unconditional "love" - is challenging to find - in the best of circumstances. I've known it "twice" - lost them both. My heart remembers it. It longs for it. I miss it...
I received one such love from "birth" - the other by "choice". Can I find another such "choice" - with all these changes in my life. They say - if you've truly loved "once" - you'll likely love again. But then again - who in the hell are "they"?
I never mention "her" here. I promised I never would. I miss her so much. I cry when I say her name.
My life is going so "well" right now - so "according to plan".
I think I'm now "afraid" to love.
I think I'm now afraid to trust "another" with my heart.
Why is that????
What am I waiting for?
What am I looking for??
I wish I knew...
I know one thing.
I'm "pickier" than I ever was in the past. Wonder what that means? Do I know myself "better" - or less?
Still - each time I encountered "love" before - it set in so quickly. It was never a "logical" decision - it was simply a heart-felt action.
Am I so "guarded" now - that it never gets a chance to find me?
I just don't know...
The rules "change" - as a female.
How is it "different"?
It puts one in the role of being "chosen" versus "choosing". Then, you subsequently "choose" from those that "chose" you. Weird, huh?
That's new - to "me". It's like "being a fish" - and pretending - to get caught. *Laugh*
I'm not very good at it...
This seems interesting...
My life keeps "expanding" in new directions - yet my "world" seems smaller to me than at any point in my past which I can recall.
That's strange - and sounds "love related" - to me.
Love is the only resource I know that "grows" - when shared. All my other activities are diminished as they are divided.
While my "projects" have grown in number - my base of "love" has diminished.
That's not smart...
I'm not stupid...
At least not as stupid as I often "look". *Laugh*
I don't confuse those that might "love me" - with those that would love being "intimate" with me. That's a new twist one learns "as a woman".
It's a tough lesson.
That's the trick!
One day at a time...
I'm making no sense.
i'm not "buying it" any longer - 04/10/02
"Hmmmm". Let's see...
..."hours & hours of gender counseling".
..."hormone replacement therapy".
..."possible sexual reassignment surgery".
..."discussion after discussion - explaining why my "condition" is not a sexual peculiarity - but gender-based dysphasia."
My sexual "drive" dissipated to virtually undetectable levels - over the past twelve months.
"Know what"? That - is wrong.
The need for positive sexual "expression" - is as old as mankind itself. However, the need for positive sexual "pleasure" - dates even before "mankind".
The professed wisdom - touted as "optimal" by the reigning medical community - is based upon a "transition process" they promise - will make me feel "complete". It includes the induction of large doses of chemicals and the completion of certain surgical procedures. Both - "remove" sexual pleasure - from my equation.
"Lay there and enjoy it - even if my newly created vagina can't 'feel' anything"?
That sounds more like 200-year-old Puritanical prophesies - than 21tst century medical advice. It's a bad idea. It's flawed at its very foundation. You can pour all the clean water you want into a "polluted lake" - but the lake - will still be "polluted".
Know what else? "Good sex" - is a state of mind. When I keep "telling" others that my condition is all about gender - and not "sex" - I'm inadvertently using "conscious auto-suggestion" - to create a mindset that "sex" is ugly. Am I trying to become a sexually frustrated catholic schoolgirl - or a transsexual woman?
I'm going to "live". I'm going to "die". I'm stuck dealing with my transsexuality in-between these two polarities. My transsexuality is but one condition of my life. Granted, it's a big one.
I'm not going to win anything in life - by being "best" - at following the "official transition playbook".
I "win" - by smiling most often.
A big smile - includes an enjoyable sex life.
If a face could "launch a thousand ships" - why can't Renee get laid - and enjoy "that" process? Simple. Because I'm too damn busy building "the boat" - with a set of flawed "diagrams".
I'm sailing my own direction.
To hell with these idiots....
"all alone" doesn't have to be lonely - 03/13/02
Do you ever "feel" - like you're totally "alone" in this world? Me too.
The natural inkling when faced with this "situation" - is to go out "looking" for another person to "fill" your void.
Guess what? They can't. Or perhaps better stated: "they shouldn't".
Because when "we" get like this - we're setting ourselves up for a co-dependent relationship. Those - are ugly, ugly, ugly. *Laugh*
There is only one "source" to overcome real loneliness: spirituality.
People - may "come and go. Businesses - "succeed and fail". A solid sense of spirituality lasts forever. I know this to be true because my grandparents had a very strong sense of spirituality - and I witnessed first hand - how it served them so well.
A lot of people give spirituality "lip service". They confuse it with "going to church". Spirituality represents "faith". This - is what gets us through those times we have no reason to believe anything good is going to happen to us.
If ever a "group" needed a solid sense of "faith" - it's us tranny's. *Laugh*
I'm on a bit of a quest to find a new "church" that matches my needs & beliefs to help me improve my spiritual strength. Sadly, Renee & organized religion mix like oil and water.
I got some good recommendations on a few places that are friendly to "queers" like myself.
We'll see how it goes...
the paradox - 03/13/02
Now here's the real "kicker" regarding my statement "above". I really want someone "special" in my life.
You know what's funny? Many people seem to view me as the "last" person they'd envision in a committed relationship. "Why?"
I guess it's because I'm fairly "playful" in my comments & "actions" - in a crowd or public place.
I'm totally a "commitment" sort of person.
Oh sure - I "flirt". I couldn't be myself without "flirting". *Laugh* However, I know "flirting" for what it is.
"Know what else?" It's been my experience that "flirts" - are usually fairly committed types. They get "it" out of their system in a healthy manner. It's the quiet ones - with a hidden agenda - that can fool 'ya. *Laugh*
I know my attire & playfulness just "begs" to attract the exact type of person "I don't want" - or need.
Yet - it's "who I am". I love high profile "fashion". I relish creating new ideas with outfits - and subsequently "showing off" my work. I consider photography a form of art - and I'm always looking for ways to get better at it. Problem is - people read so much of "me" - into all "that".
Such a paradox, damnit.
I try to think what that person would "want" from me - and how I might best prepare my life to "give this to them". I like to think I have much "to offer" - but I realize I'm 'fringe' any way one looks at it. And - I'm so damn "picky".
"This" is pretty much an impossibility at this juncture of my "life". I'm moving this summer, I have tons of crap to deal with - and yet - I dream.
i really miss "sex" - 03/13/02
Guess what? I don't "recall" the last time I had sex with another human being. Actually, I do "recall" it - but I choose not to acknowledge it. *Laugh*
I'm not a person that can "enjoy" casual sex. I wish - I was.
Honestly, I'm envious of those that can relish sex on a pure physical plane. I'm so damn "emotional".
Still I'm finding I "need" it. Through major issues regarding life & transition this past year - I "lost" sex.
One "thing" that played a key role in reducing my sex drive was becoming a "sex object". Don't get me wrong - I have no delusions regarding being some sort of object "of the world's affections". *Laugh* However, I get my share of offers - and most - are "ugly".
Do you know what it makes you feel like - when a person sends you a picture of their genitals and asks if you'd like to "get together"?
It makes you feel like some piece of meat. It makes you question your very "life" - and lifestyle. How could I have chosen a path that would reduce "my life" - to this? If a gal ever wants to get "turned off" about sex - all she has to do is be around men "on the prowl".
Tranny's - by the nature of their lifestyles - often find themselves around men "at their worst". It's a lot like being an "exotic dancer" - everybody views you first as a "sexual" creature - versus - as a "human being".
That - is emotionally "tiring".
exit stage "left" - 02/20/02
I think I'm going to try a lesbian relationship. Why? First off - the statistics say it's a better match for transsexuals. My gender therapist doesn't counsel one single tranny in a successful relationship "with a guy". Comforting, huh? *Laugh*
Men tend to adore tranny's - the same way they do "exotic dancers"...fantasy. That doesn't bode well for someone as old-fashioned as "moi". Old fashioned? Renee??? Yeah, it's true. I'm "a flirt" & I'm as playful as they come - but at the "end of the day" - I always go home with the date that brought me to the dance. I like it "that" way.
I like being "doted over" - the way men do for women. I also enjoy returning the favor in a traditional female role. I male - female/TS relationship always seemed most "natural" to me. I never wanted to "fight over" who was the damn femme in a relationship. *Laugh*
Here's the even funnier part: I don't "blame" the men. Would the type of guy I find most appealing be "proud" to have me on his arm at a family picnic or corporate function. Probably not - unless I looked breathtakingly female in every detail. I'm not not about to go down that sort of conditionalized "road" to bliss.
Soooo..."Hi-Ho", "Hi-Ho"...it's off to lick I go...*Laugh*
I'm just in a bad mood - ignore this entry.
"i've 'lost' good sex" - 02/01/02
My "sex life" has gone straight to hell. I don't recall the last time I "had" good sex. Honestly, I don't even recall the exact date I last "had" sex. *Laugh* Thank God - for masturbation...*Laugh* Now - I'm hardly even doing "that". Am I becoming asexual? I hope not!
I've never been "good" at casual sex. In fact - I'm always envious of those that can simply relish this God given pleasure with such ease. "Selfish" people tend to be more "satisfied" with sex.
Sex - to me - is an expression of "love". I keep "trying" to just enjoy it with someone I simply find "neat". I always end up not "liking" myself much afterwards. Damn, I hate this...
"i want to 'marry' a transsexual" 01/17/02
Have you ever seen guys post "ads" with "this" in them? I just "read" one. God - that's weird. If you're one of "these" men - don't write "that". What you're saying is you want a "chick with a dick" as a lifelong partner. That - is not a transsexual.
Saying "that" sends off more alarms to any "seasoned" tranny than you could imagine. It "says" you're very new to "this"...and know little about what you "really" want. The "gals" that will likely respond are either looking for a free ride - or desperate. Both these conditions - don't equate to successful "marriages". Just food for thought...
the "penis" issue 01/15/02
To "keep" or "cut" - that is the question. *Laugh*
I don't "mind" anal sex. I enjoy it - because it "can" feel good, give my partner "pleasure", and it makes me feel more "womanly" in bed. However, I'm a TOTAL wimp when it comes to pain, I'm scared to death (no pun intended) of diseases, and it's such a hassle compared to vaginal penetration.
Some therapists give me that damn "sideways" glance when I mention I "might" keep mine. When I see "that" - I simply ask them - "how many tranny's do you know that are in happy marriages with 'men'". There aren't many. Most transsexuals end up in lesbian "marriages" or with other tranny's.
So what sort of man would want to "marry" a woman - that used to be a man? No many. Most men view a woman "first" as a prize. That - is usually a bit much to put on an alter. I'm very "picky" about the sort of guy I find highly appealing. I'm a lot more interested in finding a highly compatible partner than I am losing my penis.
I could "lie" - I met a few gals who did "that" successfully. One lady had been married 12 years - and her husband never knew. I assume he still doesn't. I "could" lie - but I can't. That would not be what I'm "after".
Most of the men I've found most appealing are "attracted" to me because I'm still "butch" down below. Thus, why is it "wrong" for me to consider "keeping" an attribute" that will appeal to my ideal match? According to the "docs" - it's a sign I'm not "really" a transsexual. Whatever...I'm a realist. Have you ever seen a pretty woman not use every feature she has available to "lure" her ideal lover? What makes me different in this "regard"? Sure - I'd love to have a great vagina and live happily ever after.
For "now" - I plan to keep "it". My plan is to decide "this" issue with a future husband. If he wants it to stay - it stays. I think it's overrated...
"golden girls" - random entry
Ever watched the show "Golden Girls". I don't watch much television - but I always try to catch reruns of "this" one. It's awesome. *Smile*
Actually - this "concept" is sort of my "fall back" position if I don't develop a sustentative relationship. I think I might enjoy "living" with a couple of other tranny's for "companionship". We all "need" someone...
I can see it now. Four obnoxious tranny's - living under the same roof. I'm sure I'd take the cake in getting on other's nerves. *Laugh*
Who knows...it's probably where I'll end up... That - doesn't seem all that bad "to me"! *Smile*