Ready or Not...
here i come
My gender transition was a train wreck...brutal upon every aspect of my existence. Most of the years just after that disaster where dedicated to reassembling the remains known as me.
In 2007, I completed that process & began chasing my dreams.
I'm making those same dreams come true...and I'm having fun
Stay tuned...it's going to be quite a journey.
running in ruby slippers 12-06-08
What an insane f***ing run over these last few months, no?
On a good note? I took financial & project goal-related haircuts in advance of our present economic demise. Thus, I'm actually on target with most new efforts - albeit on a less grand scale. An important lesson from my transition is the realization that things can always get much worse - regardless of how incredibly dismal life might seem at the moment. Thus, I found that the trick is to go ahead & "reach for the bottom"...take the emotional haircut associated with your newfound lower-life geography...and regain some sure footing so that you might once again begin an ascent. This approach led me to having steadied my vessel in the third quarter of 2008 & I now appear to be on course for a relatively good year in 2009. We like it when that happens. *Smile*
In the for what it's worth department...
I'm sorry I nearly went a bit off the deep end with my last entry. Granted, I was sufficiently overwhelmed with life & living. However, what I couldn't share was a total nightmare in the way of a psycho stalker. I got used to dealing with unwanted attention back in my days of DRAG, etc. Generally-speaking, I've always understood that something as intimately challenging as gender expression causes some people to sense a deeper connection than logic dictates. This happens relatively often & I'm usually aware of people (there's usually always three of them) on the fringes of my life that assume or represent we are or have been a tab bit closer than we ever were or are. While that's sometimes irritating, I embrace it as a natural byproduct of my crazy life.
In other words? You 'gotta be pretty damn strange to draw intense ire from me in these regards.
Thus, when I tell you I was dealing with a total f***ing whack-job? I'll trust you to take my word for it. It got to the point where I couldn't leave the house for even the simplest of adventures without having to deal with something from this whack-job. A sad reality worth noting? I learned from law enforcement that habits such as blogging only intensify these situations as serious stalkers are usually convinced that you're privately communicating with them in each entry. And people say I'm strange...jeez!
Anyway...they finally caught this damn pervert & arrested him. A couple of my closest gang-banger contacts promised to work their networks in an effort to make sure his incarceration is especially cozy. I thought that was an especially kind gesture: it's comforting to know he'll have new friends.
I'm noted for my expertise in developing bad habits. Thus, when I happen to maintain a worthwhile practice - it tends to stand out. A recent habit that's paid big dividends is scarily simple: *Smile*. I make a note to "smile" at the top of every list of action in my calendar. The most important component of this habit is to smile when you don't feel like smiling - when you're stressed and have absolutely no basis for joy. It requires a conscious effort but I believe if you'll try writing "smile appointments" amongst your daily list of projects, you might likewise reap rewards. Just give it a try...((hugs))
Another habit that I've found especially helpful in maintaining composure during these zany times? "Music therapy".
For me, there's nothing more beautifully distracting than slipping on my earphones & getting lost in one of several specialized mixes designed to nurture damaged emotions. A true 21st-century luxury is our ability to download corresponding music videos. Some songs? The video just makes the music. Of course, you can always watch any of them for free on U-Tube. My current fave' is Rihanna's Disturbia - an electrifying combination of heavy club beats & compelling visuals. Anyone who knows my past is all too aware of the two-sided, wicked witch-bitch just beneath the surface of my demure exterior. *Laugh* My other fave's to get me jumping are Pink's So What & 50 Cents In 'da club. For dealing with the intensity of being Tranz? I tend to most enjoy the video's of Dixie Chicks Not Ready to Make Nice & Christina Aguilera's Beautiful.
My last but equally important new habit is more personal. Being a true-to-form Gemini, I spend a lot of time thinking. I'm a huge fan of thinking: generally-speaking most people rarely stop to reconsider their position or alternatives in the heat of battles. However, I've come to appreciate that in these uncertain times it's more important to do...versus think. Thus, anytime I now find myself overwhelmed with thought, fear, or analysis paralysis...I just starting "doing" something. As I've improved this skill and kept my "do"-list focused on pre-arranged priorities, I've noticed dramatic improvement in my life. Works for me... *Smile*
For those who inquired about my "wild gear" ebay sales...
I've had to approach my eBay sales on a realistic basis. In other words, I'm moving from closet-to-closet as I get rid of stuff. I'm almost done selling my traditional wardrobe items which means I'm finally about to switch to 6" heels, & 6-foot hair...*Laugh* Realistically, I'll start posting this stuff just after Christmas & I'll keep listing items until those racks are cleared out. I'm selling certain outfits as "complete" ensembles versus just the parts because I think they're especially fun to wear as I did.
That's about all the news that's fit to print...
I'll shoot & post a final "photo of the month" for 2008 sometime next week. I've gotten to where I rarely shoot photographs of any sort...that's probably a byproduct of the ominous proximity to my 50th birthday. I do intend to change that habit in 2009: fifty...is the new-thirty, right? Don't we wish...*Laugh*
Anyway...here's wishing everyone an especially joyous holiday season.
Keep the faith...
a break from blogging 10-19-08
I tried ridding myself of the tough issues overwhelming my September by cheating and starting October a bit early. Alas, it only improved matters for a couple of weeks: I'm back where I started & having a tough time. ((hugs))
On that note? I'm going to take a sabbatical from blogging. I'm struggling with issues in almost every aspect of my life. I don't think it's healthy to air my negativity or frustrations publicly. I did that in the past and it once felt cathartic. Now? It seems to only empower negative feedback as evidenced by a recent barrage in my guestbook & some rather ridiculous emails from strangers & weirdo's.
How long will I take a break from blogging?
I'm not really sure.
I'm going to transmute my usual monthly efforts into drafting new or improved content at all those "coming soon" slots around this portal. Additionally, I'm focused on redesigning this web site (thanks David...:). Thus, if you're a regular site visitor, I'd suggest you browse the "What's New" section each month for a re-cap of new content. I'll be adding one new or improved section each month on or around the 15th of each month in-place of my blog plus still maintain my new photo of the month at the beginning of each month.
Fair enough? *Smile*
So what else is new?
Can you believe it? I finally got off my lard-ass & launched my final ebay sales...including my old, wilder club & fetish wares. Simply stated: I needed the space where all this stuff was stored in the back room.
In the "for what it's worth department"?
My New Fetish...What would my life be without some new fetish? I can most easily track my life's journey through the recollection & evolution of my past manias. What's my newest fixation? BLT's...yep: bacon, lettuce & tomato wraps or sandwiches. God, they're f***ing scrumptious...don't you agree? Jeez...I'm definitely getting old. My prior passions included everything from sex & drugs to DRAG & BDSM. Now? I'm into BLT's. I don't even want to contemplate what that could mean...*Laugh*
SCC...I was able to stop by SCC in Atlanta on Friday night. As always, it was indeed a pleasure to see so many old friends & make a few new ones. I forgot to bring my camera & didn't take any pictures. However, they had one of those party-pay photographers roving the hotel & Kristin & got a couple of shots which I subsequently scanned into my photo gallery & added as October's "Photo of the Month". We had a blast! *Smile*
Welp...that's about all the news that's fit to print.
Thanks so much to all of you that follow my journey. I might not say it often, but I sincerely appreciate the fact that you're there. Again, please check back on the 15th & the 1st for new content & updates.
My best to one & all...
Keep the faith!
October has 35 Days 9-27-08
September f***ing stunk. It was without a doubt my worst month of 2008. Rather than continue to endure even one more day of this misery, I decided to embrace the concept that my September is officially over.
In Renee's world? It's now October...with a few extra days.
Sometimes perspective is everything, no?
I sure hope so.
I just spent the last five minutes staring at this screen trying to come up with something positive or useful to share: nothing's rhyming. If I had my druthers, I'd crawl back into bed and spend the day swirled in sheets against a backdrop of old movies & new popcorn. Ever have those days where even the possibility of physical & emotional recovery seems like a far-flung fantasy? It's not that everything's so bad, it's just there's nothing very good. It's times like this when you realize that sleeping alone sucks. There's something uniquely reassuring that tomorrow holds promise when a warm & loving body touches your loins in the morning. Of course, I'm experienced enough to know that this sort of fanciful thinking can cause me to awaken next to an emotional vampire. That reminder is why I'm not dejected by the cute little four-legged black woman still lying upon my mattress. Sometimes a leash-lover is better than the next best thing. And so we move on...
On a much more positive note, the leaves are turning & the wind is chilling. You know what that means... *Smile* Nobody adores fall fashions more than yours truly: give me layers or give me death. I'm relatively slender by last year's standard which makes tricky styles more inviting this season. It's amazing - even ridiculous...how much five extra pounds affects my smile. You'd think a woman whose been though all of this and that's now approaching fifty years of living would be beyond such shallow joy. Alas, the world is still a shallow place. Unfortunately, so am I.
This journal entry is going nowhere. I hate this feeling.
Oh....this next weekend will be the culmination of SCC here in Atlanta. I plan to stop by & see a few old friends on either Friday or Saturday night. It's always a special event and touches the lives of so many new girls.
On that note?
I wish you well.
Keep the faith...
body armor 8-15-08
An on-time update at reneereyes.com? *Grin*
Please don't get accustomed to it. Alas, the 15th arrived on a weekend which made it easier to accomplish.
So what's new?
Business continues to boom: that's a good thing. We're days away from shelf placement at about a thousand Wal-Mart super centers nationwide and my other projects continue to unfold & grow at record pace. It feels soooo good to finally be making headway in the business arena. The down shod of this progress is that my increased visibility is causing more frequent & disturbing attacks upon me personally. It's amazing to witness the hostility from some people that were born within the heart of the human bell curve. The good news is that I no longer seem to care what anyone says about me. I usually just smile & state: "I'm so sorry you feel that way". I suppose the calluses that developed around my heart throughout my transition are now serving to protect the dignity that took me years to discover. I might very well be a pervert in the eyes of the norm...but I remain a very joyful pervert. *Laugh*
What else is new?
I'm buried in the creation of the new design for this web site: it's really cool & more user friendly. There will be two additional "major" sections plus I'm updating the old info and adding a few how-to video clips. I'm also including Google AdSense and a primary site sponsor to try and help defray some of the costs. I have no delusions of it ever becoming a profit center but I'm hoping I can keep the bleeding to a reasonable level. My targeted upload date is January 1, 2009...keep your fingers crossed. *Smile*
On the traveling front...
Spent almost a week in Nashville: a combination of the Russian's fifteenth birthday & her first day of high school. We hosted a gathering of six adorable yet hormonally imbalanced young ladies for the b-day celebration: it was utterly priceless. For me? These events are so very special. I get a chance to enjoy some "mommy" roles...keeping everyone happy & balanced, making breakfast...you know the drill. I also get to vicariously live a young-girl life that forever eluded my childhood. I'm thankful & blessed for both of these opportunities.
Nothing much new on the art-front...
...added one interesting new piece which I'll share soon and I'm presently stalking a painting that's coming up for auction next month. I attended a small gathering of collectors at the High museum in late July but left shortly thereafter: wasn't my taste. One point where I often differ from many collectors is that I'm under no delusions that I actually "own" any of the art in my collection. Rather, I possess it...I'm a temporary steward charged with its care & conservation for a period of time...and for that role I get the honor of enjoying its beauty each day in my home. However, I don't own it: the artist that created the works is forever the true owner. Likewise, some of these artworks have been around for centuries and they'll continue to stick around long after I'm gone. In my opinion, the whole concept of ownership is an illusion: it's an arrogance which humans seem destined to forever fail to comprehend. Sadly, this sort of outlook is more pronounced amongst art collectors & their ilk. Personally, I prefer a crowd that's more in tune with the celebration & joy of human expression known as art.
Finally, in the "for what it's worth department"...
Is it just me or have you also noticed that the only thing that actually ages is our bodies? Granted, we draw from more real-life experiences over time but at the core we're essentially the same person we always were. It's really weird when you stop & think about it. Time goes by, year after year: our bodies age but our mind remains constant. I'm heading back to my hometown of Owensboro for a few days this fall: visiting old haunts, stopping off at a high school game, etc.: you know the drill. As I reflect upon my past, parts of it seem like only yesterday. Granted, I've changed outwardly, a lot. *Laugh*
However, on the inside?
It's still just "me". I suppose at the end of the day that's all there ever will be, huh?
That's about all the news that's fit to print.
My best to one & all...
Keep the faith!
sliding into second 7-27-08
Can you believe we're already more than halfway through 2008?
So what's new?
How about if I just glean through major categories?
Business as Usual
We have a new product hitting the shelves at Wal-Mart Super Centers nationwide in a couple of weeks. I'm focused on a second product we hope to launch by year-end. These events are very exciting and I'll include information on this new product in next month's entry. I'm also facing dueling deadlines on projects within my new media enterprise.
The bottom line?
My work is the primary culprit behind why I have zilch free time at this moment. ((hugs))
A Big Move
Old friends heard me babble before about "moving" from Atlanta. However, as I'm finishing my new venture & preparing for its subsequent launch, it's becoming very apparent that this maneuver will be followed by a total-move to another city.
Good question...I wish I knew for sure. The safest bet is New York City since most of the firms I'm working with are based in that market. There's also an equal likelihood of a west coast jump - split between three different cities in that direction. Thus, I probably won't be able to pinpoint things until next summer.
I can honestly say I'm ready for this big move. When I previously contemplated moving away, it was more about "running away". Know what I mean? Something about a gender transition creates recurring fantasies about going elsewhere and starting anew. In reality? I think that's the worst time to make such a drastic change. If you're still unsettled from that process? Moving usually just adds insults to fresh injuries.
I'm moving forward. That's a good thing. *Smile*
On the Dating Front?
The full-disclosure with my art-collecting comrade didn't go quite as hoped. In fact, it went badly. Thus, I decided to take a break from any sort of "dating" opportunities. That was a good decision. Since then, I've remained in such a good place physically, spiritually, emotionally - even financially...that I'm beginning to feel I'll do best to steer clear of the traditional loving-landscape for a few years to come. My intensity with work & the likelihood of a major move within the year only serves to remind me of the soundness associated with my self-induced celibacy.
Maybe I'll start dating again someday...just not any day soon. *Smile*
Enjoyed an unusually successful month with art acquisitions beginning with a couple of outstanding American impressionist works plus an adorable pair of Chagall-styled circus abstracts by some unknown artist named "Jordan". I just posted these fresh examples:
While researching the George Sotter painting, I came across a clip from from PBS's "Antiques Roadshow" regarding a similarly-styled artwork. Like most of their selections, it's an absolutely adorable little story...
On the more humorous front...
I have come to realize something very important about myself. If you peel away the closets of haute couture fashions, move past the stacks of fine artworks & look beyond that decade-long edgy lifestyle I lived that's only available in the largest metropolitan markets...you know what's buried under all that?
A total f***ing redneck. *Laugh*
I soooo love my country music, my NASCAR, cute mullet-heads & down-to-earth talks chocked full of double-negative speech. It's really funny at times when I realize I'm most comfortable & feel safest in these same environments. I suppose there's solace in this enlightenment. If everything goes to hell in a hand basket? I could probably still afford a small trailer in Muhlenberg County near Owensboro. Know what else? I'm willing to bet...I'd be just as happy. *Smile*
That's about all the time I've got today.
My best to one & all...
Keep the faith!
a needed reprieve 6-16-08
The last thirty days were outstanding.
Simply stated? I needed that.
Without a doubt, the basis for these improvements was rooted in my newfound wholesome routine. I'm still exercising daily, eating healthy & maintaining a balanced schedule between work, play, personal time & spirituality.
In this regard?
I've never been better.
Hard at Work
Presently extra busy with work. There's a couple of new products on the horizon - which makes for excitement. I'm trying to remain focused and finish my most important objectives. As good friends are aware...finishing projects was never my strong suit. *Laugh* The challenge remains with my ridiculous sense of perfectionism & related obsessive behavior. I'm forever required to remind myself that a good plan today...is better than a perfect plan tomorrow.
One reason for my increased productivity is most certainly my workspace. It's an ideal balance (for me) of functionality & comfort. Naturally, I've got art hanging in every nook & cranny...but I like it best that way.
2008 remains a monster year in terms of finalizing the launch of several key new vistas. I'm half-way through this labyrinth and still on track to accomplish most of my key goals.
I'm hoping I can retain this sense of focus. It feels really good. *Smile*
As always, I spend much of my free time developing my art collection. One area that's becoming especially interesting is the emergence of my own personal artistic expression with photography. I'm still learning the particulars of what represents good art in the eyes of photography collectors, however - it's been a joyful education.
My first set of pictures were derived from early photographs of my gender expression before transition. I hope to complete the first three artistic series & share them with a couple of local galleries by this time next year.
Alas, it's not a high priority but it's a definitely a new source of personal fulfillment.
My 47th birthday included several special memories.
On the date of my actual birthday, I was invited to dinner by my dear friends Sid & Maria. The food? It was absolutely incredible. I'm not sure how Maria marinated those steaks (she didn't give-up the secret recipe) but they were had amazing flavor.
Most memorable was the final touch...an Austrian 1976 Lenz Moser Tocken Berenauglese wine. I'm not a connoisseur of fine vino, but like most people: I do enjoy a good bottle of wine. In this instance? I got the chance to relish a great wine. No words can describe the taste of such a well-aged rich grape. Absolutely delicious!
I headed to Nashville the weekend following my birthday. Took that Rubens painting (from last month's journal entry) of the goddess Venus and we mounted it above Red's fireplace. It's such a unique pleasure to see an artwork find it's just-right locale & atmosphere.
Had another fun birthday celebration with my girls on Saturday night over tasty cheeseburgers & grilling rounds of Yahtzee.
All in all?
Another wonderful birthday...
While this past year was great in most facets...my dating-life remained unremarkable. Upon retrospective, I recognized that I developed a nasty habit of ending up in "complicated" relationships.
In other words?
I always tend to get into loving relationships that never stood a chance because of my transsexual expression. I've never been one to seek-out a potential partner with an interest in me because of my transsexuality. My early experiences in those regards weren't healthy. Thus, I prefer to first meet someone...then deal with the situation soon after it evolves.
Now what have I done?
I've gotten myself smack-dab into yet another complicated state of affairs. Alas, it's original.
I recently met a man I consider very special. We share a passion for fine-art and first became acquainted during a gathering at the High Museum. He's actually an artist of sorts, he's well-grounded (a big plus when dealing with resident queen of flight), highly intellectual and very easy on the eyes. Recently, our time together became more intense. We're now always meeting for dinner, grabbing coffee in the middle of the day, hitting art exhibits...you know the drill.
So what's the big problem?
My dilemma is simple: he doesn't know about my gender history. Honestly? I'm so out that I never find myself in this situation...where someone doesn't soon know about my original identity.
Ever found yourself in these circumstances?
For me, it's almost been funny at times...I hear innocent comments with ridiculous intensity. It all reminds me of when I was very poor & my life was in utter shambles. You'd be surprised how many more people you notice "living on the street" when your own circumstances indicate you might be joining them soon.
Anyway...I'm planning on having "the talk" this next weekend.
We'll see what happens...please wish me luck. ((hugs))
That's about all the news that's fit to print. My best to everyone...
Keep the Faith!
onward & upward 5-20-08
Sorry about the delay between my last discouraging entry & this newest update. As that last notation so eloquently exhibited...I'm really pushing myself at this time. I'm overextended in terms of both time & resources on almost every project I'm presently undertaking & often feel I'm forever under the gun. My closest friends can attest to the byproducts of this dilemma. If they call me on one day...I'm vibrant, playful & optimistic. We talk on another day? I'm quiet, reserved & cranky. I'm not really facing any issues with clinical depression. Rather, I'm just f***ing exhausted much of the time.
The bottom line?
I'm trying to accomplish too much in too little time with too few resources. Anytime you have a too3 scenario going on your life? It's safe to assume frustration will be a part of your life.
So what's new & exciting?
It's been a big month...
Family-fun...visited with some of my family this past weekend: a fast-pitch softball game of my great-niece that was being held near Atlanta. Can you believe I'm a great aunt? Ugh...me either. *Laugh* Regardless, it was especially pleasurable as I got to visit with some relatives I hadn't seen in years. As usual, it began a bit awkward. However, most importantly...it ended joyfully.
Made a pilgrimage to Nashville for Mother's Day...which ideally coincided with the young Russian's eighth-grade graduation event. When I consider all that this kid has been through & the fact she first arrived in the this country just shy of six years of age...it's amazing to share in her accomplishments. I'm so proud of all that she's becoming.
Red & her daughter made a new addition...yet another rescue-kitty. That makes four...count them...1...2...3...4 cats in their house. We all agree it's probably one too many but have yet to find a suitable loving home for the latest Persian partner. Finally, I was able to find time this trip to attack the black hole known as Red's garage...such fun but now completed.
Weight Loss...I'm almost back down to my target body weight & tone. Since the latter part of 2005, I steadily climbed the scale of flabbiness & excess poundage. Earlier this year, I'd had enough & began the arduous task of getting in better shape. This process is more challenging than before: testosterone, even in small amounts - plays a huge role with increased metabolism. Since I don't have that any longer...I was left to my own devices. It's been brutal but I'm almost "back" and it feels really good. These last five pounds are usually the most impactful as I have a larger, round face structure that appears most feminine when I attain this target. With my muscular platform, I can only dream about achieving that stick-model look. Alas, I can do a female athlete-bodybuilder look with the best of 'em. *Laugh* We are...what we are, no? I'm trying to hit my first weight target by my birthday & achieve my final goal in time for the Dragon-Con convention in Atlanta...where I'll be donning my newest costume creation: a female Klingon warrior. :)
Dunkin' Donuts...Up the street from my home is a highly competitive corner of coffee rivals: Caribou, Starbucks & Dunkin' Donuts are all represented plus an Einstein's and a Steak & Shake. My dear friend Kristin & I often connect at this intersection because it's roughly half-distance between our domiciles. We recently switched to Dunkin' Donuts as our preferred gathering locale & it's been great. Notably, we now enjoy coffee and food treats...for the same price as a single cup of coffee from before. Additionally, I'm supplementing my new Dunkin' addiction with XL-sized purchases of their coffee grinds from Costco.
Ebay Sales...some of you inquired about my ebay sales. I've been steadily whittling down all the non-DRAG / tranz stuff as time allows & I'm almost ready to begin selling all the other items. I'm sorry this ran so behind schedule...but I find I can only post & service a few items at once & I wanted to get the traditional clothes & contents completed first. I'm posting a few final miscellaneous items this week...and hoping to begin the club / fetish stuff the week after. I'll be selling the summer-weight stuff in June / July...them I'll take a break & upload the leathers, etc in the fall.
Art Collecting...This last thirty days was perhaps my best-ever in my world of art collecting. First off, I scored the most valuable & important artwork of my entire collection...for a whopping sum of $331.11. I'll share more about this incredible new painting in a future journal entry: it's quite a fairy-tale of art-detective work & sheer luck.
Second, I've been shopping period frames for the last few months & received several...most of which brought about fantastic changes to the artworks they protect & enhance. Undoubtedly the most pronounced was a mega-frame I just received for my 19th-century copy of Peter Paul Ruben's "Venus at the Mirror"...this frame is truly an artwork in its own right.
Finally, I bought an unsigned example of a mid-19th Century luminous watercolor in an effort to compare it to a very similar piece I have (see photo in my "all about renee" artworks section) by Jasper Cropsey a major US landscape artist. I was hoping to use it as a perfect tool for comparing the impact on value for a signed, authenticated piece versus an unsigned period work of similar subject and quality. Understandably, I had to do bunches of on-line shopping in order to locate this new jewel: mid-19th Century watercolors of the quality of Cropsey for under $100.00 don't grow on trees. I suppose I can thank my XL-sized 12 hooves for my persistence. Alas, finding shoes I like...in a style I enjoy...at a price I can afford? That process rivals any search for an obscure painting! *Laugh*
Anyway...long story short?
Upon receipt of this newest rendering, my jaw literally dropped: it was a killer example of mid-century luminous art. However, the big surprise came about when I black-lighted the artwork: it included a faded (albeit clearly signed & dated under backlight) signature by the English watercolor master: Copley Fielding
Not bad...for $31.00 plus postage, no? Leave it to any gal with size 12's...*Smile*
My Two Newest Friends...Behind my house is an overgrown ravine for drainage that serves as a haven for indigenous wildlife. Recently, I've become friends with a pair of chipmunks & a couple of redbirds that play each morning near my back porch. It's funny how attached I've become to these new residents. My morning is never complete until I find them scampering & flying about. I used to wonder why "old people" would sit on porches for hours at a time in my hometown of Owensboro...seemed like such a waste of time. I guess I got old...because I now understand this lovely pleasure.
And Finally...speaking of getting old...I turn 47 next month. I'm still very comfortable with my age...lets hope that attitude lasts a lifetime.
That's about it. Hope everyone out there is doing great. ((hugs))
Keep the faith...
not every day is perfect 4-20-08
Ever have those moments...those times: when you're at the end of your rope with frustration?
I'm fairly savvy at pulling myself out of such doldrums regardless of circumstances. However, yesterday evening I was officially exhausted, irritated, angry, tired of the BS...you know the drill. I was at that point where although I still liked my life, I absolutely f***ing hated my existence.
Ever find yourself feeling like that?
Sucks, doesn't it?
Know what I do when I get like that? I start fantasizing about selling everything...leaving...going off...and starting anew. Where would I go...what would I do? When I realize I'm clueless...I usually just crawl into bed & start enjoying some recycled dreams. Before I know it, the sun arises & I own a better perspective on all that's right & not-so right.
I gotta' tell 'ya: this month's been tough. I'm buried in work that make me feel like I'm walking in the wrong direction on an escalator wearing high heels. Progress remains painfully fleeting & taking breathers usually equates to ending up back where I started. I keep thinking there's some sort of poetic beauty about all this but nothing's rhyming. I now, like...totally get where women dream about finding some man to "take them away from all this". Alas, they don't make glass slippers in a size 12 & I'm too much of a nerd to find prince charming types remotely appealing. And so we move on...
Last weekend was special: enjoyed homemade biscuits & gravy with family-like friends. God, those things were good...thanks, Miss Gail! The hard part was cutting myself off after only two servings: ugh! There are some things I really miss about being a guy and & less issues over pigging-out is definitely in the top-10. FYI...being able to pee in five seconds or less and thinking I'm hot...even when I'm not are tied for numero uno on that ranking. *Laugh*
I'm hitting the ground running this next week in an attempt to drive myself out of this mud. Spoke to Red yesterday...we decided to scrounge-up enough money to take a beach trip sometime in the next month.
That's what I need: something to look forward to. Guess I better get started...
...keep the faith!
more of the same 3-20-08
Crazy weather recently, huh?
We braved the recent onslaught of tornado activity in Atlanta by hiding out in the basement. It got pretty scary: warnings littered the TV-airwaves while those public sirens blared outside. In the midst of all this tension, I was prodding my roommate to hurry downstairs with me & her daughter before any catastrophe arrived.
Why was Darleen still upstairs?
She was intently pulling together her tornado essentials: jewelry & some water (that made total sense)...plus a monstrous bag of make-up, a nice outfit & a hair dryer: go figure. It never before occurred to me that it was so important to look fabulous when the salvage crews arrived. *Laugh* She's such a hoot!
So what's new?
February was yet another monster month. March started slowly primarily because I wasn't moving fast. Why was that? I think I just got worn down...both physically & emotionally. Ever have that happen...when you need a week-off but you can't totally stop, thus you just go through the motions in order to heal without losing momentum? It's sort of like those one of those in-air fuel tankers for jets. Anyway...now that we're over half-way through March, I seem to be back on track: bombs away! :)
Budget constraints caused me to have to postpone the development of the largest aspect of my new enterprise: that sucks...but it's probably a good thing as I'm now more focused. For those who inquired: my new venture has absolutely nothing to do with transgenderism which is but one reason I don't share any details "here". Equally important, I'm not implementing this vista as a transgendered female. Rather, I'm launching my new company as a woman...who also happens to be a transsexual. We all know I'm too a little too "out & proud" to remain any big secret. However, since my primary market is the mass public? I see no reason to start a campfire in the middle of that fireworks factory.
Been a little quiet on the art-acquisition front. I suppose that's because I don't have any extra money to buy new art...weird how that happens, no? *Laugh* I did add a couple of period frames for existing pieces. Additionally, I'm developing my own stuff: a photo-series from my vintage DRAG pictures. I keep testing various shots & getting them printed at Costco (cheap, cheap enlargements). It's actually pretty cool. I hesitated at first since since I'm not an experienced artist and felt my personal efforts might somehow cheapen the total collection. However, since I am sleeping with the curator every night (that would be "me")...I'm pretty sure my works will somehow find their way into the permanent gallery.
Let's see...I'm sleeping with myself...in order to influence my own decisions? Yep, that sounds plenty weird. If I'm nothing else? I'm consistent. *Grin*
Headed to Nashville next week: quality time with the young Russian. Additionally, I promised Red we'd tackle the Black Hole known as her garage. I might now be a nurturing female but when it comes to project management and household tasks? I'm still all boy. *Laugh* I continue to approach repairs & improvements with that methodical and determined male-process that I spent almost forty years perfecting. Of course, Red loves this shit...she gets a best female friend & a "man around the house". What do I get? An excellent question and one that I only just now pondered. Sounds like I'm "getting" scammed, no? *Laugh* I get family. Having been without that for periods in my life...I know all too well it's worth all the garage-cleanings in the world. :)
Finally, I'm headed to Owensboro at the end of next week while I'm up that way in order to visit with Rob Puckett's mother. We're going to review ideas & cull photographs for his memorial web site. Naturally, any trip back to the big-O will include a pilgrimage for Barbeque. I figure I'll starve myself for a couple of days prior so that I can emotionally deal with making a pig of myself.
My best to everyone!
Keep the faith...
she's not dead yet 2-05-08
Whew...where do I start?
It's been a very long time since I journaled publicly. How is everybody? Fine,. I hope. I did plan to make journal entries on more than one occasion these last few months but it never got beyond the "note in my calendar".
We rectify that situation. :)
First off...Happy (very belated) New Year!! ((hugs))
Are you excited about 2008? I sure am, and this impending recession only serves to crystallize my faith.
Upon reflection, I came to realize that over the past thirty+ years of my entrepreneuring, every single successful vista I've launch...was developed during a recession. Figures a witch like me would need bad economic weather in order to stir-up some potent juices, no? *Grin* Thus, I'm taking this recent downward spiral as a final affirmation that my time: is now!
I began this new odyssey by officially completing my first full month of non-stop effort upon my fledgling new business enterprise. The result? It nearly wasted me. In fact, I closed out January by spending the entire last day in a state of emotional & physical recovery cuddled up with the dogs, my teddy bear, three episodes of Law & Order and an oversized bag of Costco pistachio nuts. *Laugh* It seems that while I keep wanting to work as intently as years past, I'm learning the hard way: I can't.
The good news is that I'm having a f***ing blast. It's been over twenty years since I tried building a company based solely upon what I enjoy doing versus various pre-defined success criterions. In other words? While I'm certainly reaching for the stars, I'm most interested in making sure the journey is most pleasing. I've taken all my passions: cleaning, fashion, art collecting, gender issues, even performing magic...and I've bundled them all into a business model that makes no sense to anyone around me...but feels perfectly logical to me. Is that a sign of assured success or a prescription for total failure?
The jury will be out on that decision for some time.
And so we move on...
Christmas 2007 was..."unique". It started with a flood at Red's house from a broken toilet: resulting in bare concrete floors & a myriad of fans to greet Santa at the fireplace: yuck. Poor Red...her refrigerator broke down during Thanksgiving, thus this most recent holiday nightmare took the cheery edge off her whole damn season. I helped her clean up the mess & we ended up creating an even better arrangement for her home. Thus, by New Years? We both began 2008 with a sense that anything could be accomplished with a little hard work, a smile and a best friend by your side.
Also, Red & I redecorated the young Russian's bedroom for her Christmas gift: it's absolutely adorable. You'd be amazed how many different shades of pink exist under this rainbow and it would be safe to say we included almost every single one of them in Tatiana's bedroom. *Laugh* In case you haven't noticed, I'm enjoying a vicarious second-childhood as a young teenage girl through Red's daughter. Simply stated: Tatiana has a tremendous impact upon me. Her love - makes my life worth living. However, being a part of her life - makes my existence very fun. That's a pretty good combo, 'ya know? I'm very blessed.
In the "for what it's worth" department...
...Taylor swooped in for New Years but our night was anything but spectacular. Essentially? We broke up. I don't think either of us are overly upset about that decision. Our relationship simply ran its course...and died. I'm at that point where I genuinely have no desire to date anyone. I have my dreams & goals for 2008, I have my fiends and I have my smile back. Why in God's name would I want to bring another man into my life and potentially f*** up that wet dream? Nope, not this girl. 2008 will be a year where I stay very single...and very focused.
So what else is new?
The key highlight of December was my roommate's 50th birthday party. We organized a large gathering at the house over wine & treats followed by a night of fun & frolic at the Buckhead Ritz & Beluga. I've included a couple of photos. The one on the left is in the kitchen with Darleen, Me & Da' boys. On the right of your screen is a shot of me with the birthday-girl Darleen (on left) & Lu (in center) . I always dread standing next to Lu in any photo since she's about a gram & a feather larger than a size "0" - which make my oversized tranz-features stand out like the jolly-green giant. She's the kind of woman you look at and want to hate because she's so beautiful on the outside, yet she's the kind of person you come to know & love instantly - because she's so beautiful on the inside. Both Darleen & Lu are huge blessings in my life.
Oh, by the way...I got my eBay sales underway once again: I've begun by selling various clothing & fashion accessories from my "day" wardrobe. However...I finally got all my old club & DRAG stuff organized to sell & will switch my efforts to those items upon returning from the single-woman's Valentine's Day getaway with my girlfriends. I've included photos of some of the outfits I'm selling. I was once the queen of over-the-top outfits in Atlanta and I almost never wore the same ensemble more than once. Thus, there's plenty to choose from for beginners & club-queens alike. :)
More good news?
I added two new pieces to the art collection since we last spoke. One's a prototypical mid-century Danish genre piece (photo at left) of a woman reading that includes a warm luminous tone. This style always draws my interest: I suppose it's because of my earliest attraction to Turner & his incredible uses of light.
The second piece (photo at right) is a very large & engaging surrealist-styled painting entitled "Love". ...it's breathtaking. Most experts will tell you that the "eyes" are most often considered the crux of a high quality portrait painting. This artwork defines that principle in spades. I'm planning to commission one of two personal portraits this year: a realist-styled, black & white nude painting from a photo, or...a surrealist-styled expressionist piece from key aspects of my existence. I'm challenging the artist that painted the "Love" piece to produce this latter project. Hoping he takes it on (at the price I can afford). I think the final product could be riveting.
That's about all the news that's fit to print.
My best to everyone!
Keep the faith...